Despite the distraction, Skinner and Langly won, prompting another argument between Langly and Frohike.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself, cheating at Monopoly?"

"You're calling us cheaters?"

"No, I'm calling *you* a cheater. How *else* do you explain it?"

"Uh...you *suck*?"

"Kiss off, hippie jerk." Frohike nodded in the direction of the other two men. "What about them? You beat them, too!" He singled Alex out. "As ruthless as *he* is, you *had* to have cheated..."

Frohike meant nothing insulting by the remark, but Mulder could feel the slight sag of Alex's body, behind him. He moved up to the sofa and wound an arm around Alex's waist, pulling the younger man back against him.

"Okay, okay," Scully jumped in. "I'm as shocked as anybody that I didn't win, but hey. That's life. Come on you guys, it's late. Let's get out of here."

After the game was put away and everyone was supplied with a doggie bag, the guests began to file out the door.

"Thanks for the party," Langly directed his conversation mostly at Mulder, only occasionally sending Alex a brief glance.

"You're welcome. See you soon."

Scully gave both men a hug and stepped back. "Thanks guys. See you later."

Alex nodded. "Thanks for cooking, Scully. The lasagna was excellent."

"How would *you* know?"

The others said their good-byes and left, leaving Skinner standing with the two men at the door. Mulder spoke.

"I hope this isn't the first and last time you visit."

Skinner opened his mouth, then closed it again. He glanced at Alex, looked back at Mulder, then spoke. "I'm uh...sorry it took me so long to get here."

Not exactly a direct answer, but it wasn't a negative response, either.

Mulder nodded. "See you Monday."

Skinner turned narrowed eyes on Alex once more and nodded. "Krycek."

"Goodnight," Alex replied softly.

Skinner walked away and Alex closed the front door. He was immediately spun around and slammed up against it. Before he could take a breath, his lover's lips came down, hard and insistent on his.

"I've been waiting all night to get my hands on you," Mulder growled into Alex's mouth as he practically ripped the younger man's shirt open.

Alex writhed against him, returning his kisses with equal passion. "I know. I could feel it every time you touched me. Let me relieve some of that tension for you..."

"Alex..."

Alex moved away from his lips, nipping his way down his throat. He cupped the older man's ass and pulled him forward, grinding their erections together. "Let me..."

"Let's go to bed, Lexei..."

"You want to wait that long?" Alex turned them both around, reversing their positions. Mulder sagged against the door and moaned as his lover ran a hand down his chest and let it rest on his crotch. "You're so hard, Fox. Have you been this hard all night?"

Mulder grimaced and nodded.

Alex unbuckled Mulder's belt, then undid his pants, sliding them down to the floor. He stroked the older man through his underwear. "A little better but not perfect, is it?" Not waiting for an answer, he pulled the boxer-briefs down, releasing his lover's throbbing erection. He touched the glistening tip with one finger, then brought it up to his lips.

Mulder watched entranced, as Alex closed his eyes and licked the bead of moisture away. As soon as the younger man's finger left his mouth, Mulder took its place, drawing Alex into another hard kiss. One hand made its way down to Alex's pants but was immediately stopped before it could undo the button.

"I want to undress you, Lexei..."

Alex gave no answer. He simply slid to his knees and engulfed the head of Mulder's cock in his mouth. Mulder's head fell back against the door and a quick gasp escaped his lips.

"Lexei...don't....wait.....wait, please....don't.....aww, *shit*!"

His thoughts jumbled and his words slurred into unintelligible sounds of pleasure as Alex sucked him completely into his mouth, then withdrew slowly.

When again, only the head remained in his mouth, Alex swirled his tongue around it, then gently probed the small opening. The low, feral moans coming from above his head, told Alex that Fox was past the point of argument. He relaxed his throat and swallowed his lover's cock, to the base.

Mulder cried out, arching into Alex's mouth. One hand gripped the doorknob behind him and the other clenched in the sable hair as he struggled to maintain his balance.

Alex sucked harder, drawing louder moans from his lover. He brought one hand around to the front, fondling the heavy sac that hung below Mulder's cock and at the same time, gauging just how close the older man was to orgasm.

Mulder was very close as it turned out, and from his frenzied movements and heavy respiration, Alex determined that it was time to take him all the way.

Mulder's rumbling sobs echoed through the otherwise silent house, as his orgasm hit. Alex sucked him dry, then lovingly cleaned him with his tongue as the older man leaned trembling, against the door. When he was finished, he rose to his feet and met Mulder's eyes, which were just beginning to open.

The two men stood staring, reading each other, then Mulder's eyes fell away and he bent to pull up his pants. When he straightened, he looked back at Alex, who frowned at the expression that now filled his lover's eyes.

"If this is the way it's going to be," Mulder began softly, "don't touch me again."

For a moment, Alex could do little more than watch, stunned, as Mulder moved past him and out of the room. Eventually, he regained enough composure to turn off the lights and follow the older man into the bedroom. He arrived in the empty room, then heard the shower go on. He seated himself at the edge of the bed and waited until Mulder emerged from the bathroom, clad in a pair of black boxer-briefs and matching tank. Alex watched as the older man moved silently to the closet, withdrawing two pillows and a light blanket.

"What are you doing?" he croaked, almost afraid to ask.

"I'm going to sleep in the office." Mulder did not meet Alex's eye as he walked past the bed and out of the room.

Alex's head began to spin.

//No. *No*.//

He followed Mulder down the hall and into the office.

"Fox. Don't. Don't do this. Please? Come to bed."

"I can't, Alex. I'm tired." He dropped the pillows onto the sofa, then spread the blanket. "I'm tired of this." He looked up, into frightened green eyes. The sight ripped into his heart, but he continued. He had to. "I want *my* Alex back. *All* of him. Not just the bits and pieces that you see fit to dole out. Until I can have all of you, the way you *were*..." He shook his head and sat down at the edge of the sofa.

Alex approached and dropped to his knees. He moved to wrap his arms around his angry lover. "I'm sorry, Fox."

Mulder grasped Alex's upper arms and firmly pulled him away. "Go to bed, Alex."

Hurt joined fear. "I can't...I can't go to bed without you. I can't go to sleep, knowing that you're in here..."

"Try."

"Fox, *please*. I'll do anything you want..."

Mulder emitted a short, harsh laugh. "You don't get that part, do you, Alex? Doing *what I want*, won't make me happy. Our relationship used to be give and take. Now, it's only one-sided. Everything I want. Whatever *I* want. What about what *you* want? I can't *stand* the way you're punishing yourself. I told you and I *told* you...apparently my word doesn't mean jack shit, because you're still doing it. Well, I've had it. You know, I'm used to having my words fall on deaf ears. Very few people believe or even care about what I have to say, but I thought you were different.."

"I s-sorry, Fox...I'm..."

"You know," Mulder rasped, "if you say that one more time, I do believe I'll beat you."

Alex flinched as though he *had* been slapped. He stared wide-eyed at Fox, not knowing what to do.

Mulder swung his legs onto the sofa and flipped the blanket over himself. He turned onto his side, facing away from Alex. "Go to bed."

Alex hesitated for a moment, then slowly got to his feet. He moved to the door, then paused once more.

"Fox."

No response.

A light glaze covered one eye as Alex looked at the motionless form on the sofa. Seeing no other choice, he moved away from the door and down the hall, toward the bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eight seventeen.

Mulder lay awake, as he had been since last night.

The dull ache in his chest would not let him sleep. He'd never intentionally slept apart from Alex. The knowledge that his lover was lying alone and miserable in the bedroom, gnawed a hole straight through him.

Mulder rubbed his eyes, wincing at the burning, sandy feel.

It was Sunday. He probably should stay where he was and *try* to get a few hours sleep, but as long as things between him and Alex remained like this, he knew that sleep would be damn near impossible.

He flipped the blanket off and headed for the closed door. The moment he turned the knob and stepped out into the hall, the tempting smells of breakfast invaded his nostrils.

Breakfast?

He really expected that Alex would still be in the bedroom brooding, not out in the kitchen, cooking a full breakfast.   Mulder let out a long sigh and made for the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex looked up from the stove and watched as Mulder quietly entered the room. He was showered and clean shaven, but looked pretty much the same way Alex did. Like hell.

Bloodshot hazel eyes, met puffy green. Alex gave Mulder a tiny, shy smile. Receiving no response, he quickly dropped his gaze back to the stove. Mulder's voice regained his attention.

"You didn't have to do this."

"I always make you a big breakfast on Sunday."

"You must be tired. You don't look like you slept much."

"I'm okay."

An obvious lie. Mulder chose not to address it.

He seated himself at the table and pretended to read the paper, while Alex finished cooking. A few minutes later, breakfast was served. Both men sat silently picking at their food. Mulder waiting for a word...*something* from Alex that said he was ready to start dealing with this problem. But Alex wasn't talking. Not so much for lack of something to say, but more out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

When it had become obvious that nothing was going to get solved this morning, Mulder shoved his barely touched plate aside and pushed away from the table.

"I got some work to do," he announced softly. He started to turn away from the table, then stopped and turned back. "Sorry about breakfast."

Alex lowered his eyes to his hands, folded in his lap and gave a weak nod. Long after Mulder had gone, he sat staring at nothing in particular. Finally, he rose and began to clear away the dishes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder lifted his glasses onto his forehead and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

//God, what a headache.//

He glanced down at his watch.

Four eleven.

His eyes rose to the door.

He hadn't heard a peep from Alex, all day. He wondered what he was doing. He missed him.

The soft knock startled him. Alex never knocked. Of course, he'd never closed the door before, either

"Yeah."

The door opened slowly and Alex drifted in. "I umm..." His eyes skittered all over the room as he spoke. "W-would you like some dinner? You haven't eaten all day."

"I'm not really hungry."

"You have to eat, Fox."

"Have *you*?"

Silence.

"A pizza would be fine with me. I'm really not up for any big meal."

"What time do you want it?"

"I don't know. An hour or so, I guess."

Alex nodded. He hesitated for a moment, then asked, "You almost through?"

Mulder turned back to face the computer. "Not really." He absently raised a hand to his own shoulder and massaged it.

//You *would* have been done hours ago, if you'd kept your mind on your work...//

Alex lingered in the doorway. Should he or shouldn't he? Finally, he took a few cautious steps forward and gently laid his hands on his lover's shoulders. "You should have taken a break," he murmured as his hands began to work out the kinks.

Mulder groaned softly and let his head fall forward.

//Oh God, that's good. So good, so....*good* to have his hands on me...//

And his mouth. So lightly brushing the back of Mulder's neck...

Mulder's head jerked up and his eyes opened. He pitched forward and rolled his chair away, effectively rejecting Alex's attempt at affection.

The younger man backed away, hands clasping tightly together. "I'm sorry. I....you just....I thought maybe..."

"I meant what I said last night, Alex."

Alex nodded. "Sorry. I shouldn't have done that. For a minute, it just seemed like you wanted..."

Mulder spun out of his chair and sent it slamming against the desk.

"Stop it! Just knock it the fuck off, would you?"

Alex stared, stricken.

"Were you listening to me, last night? I don't *want* this, 'whatever Fox wants and to hell with what *I* want', bullshit! Mulder raked his hand through his hair and began to pace. "You know, after what I said to you last night, making breakfast for me was the bloody *last* thing I expected you to do! What the fuck was *that* about, anyway?"

"I...I," Alex stammered, " told you, I always make breakfast for you on Sunday..."

"After last night?!? Who the fuck are you? *My* Alex never would have taken that shit from me, never*mind* turn around and make me a big breakfast the next morning!"

"But...this..this mess is all m..my fault. I just...I just want to try to make it up to you..."

"Do me a big favor Alex, and *don't*. Okay? I...can't...*stand*...it. I tried, I did. I *tried* to be patient. I kept hoping that you'd just get over this, but god*damn*! You just seem to get more and more pathetic!"

Alex's breath caught in his throat. He stared mutely at the enraged man, who had started to approach him.

"You want me to use you, Alex? You want to wash my clothes and serve me food....sit at my feet like a fucking puppy?" He grasped Alex's shirt with both hands and yanked it apart, snapping three buttons. "You want to be my bitch? Suck my cock...let me come in your mouth, then take yourself into the bathroom for a nice, cold shower? You really think this shit makes me happy?" He shoved the stunned man away. "Do you?"

Alex's eyes filled with tears, but he remained silent.

"This shit is driving me crazy, Alex. I don't know what the hell to do with you and you know, I'm really too tired to try to figure it out, anymore. It's on you. Let me know when and if you're ever ready to go back to being *my* Alex." Mulder retrieved his chair and dropped into it, spinning his back to the other man.

Two teardrops fell, one after another, as Alex stared down at the floor. He turned and exited the room, closing the door silently behind him.

The moment Alex's presence was no longer felt, Mulder's head rose. He stared at the door for long moments, then dropped his head into trembling hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder opened his eyes and glanced around. Pale light filtered in through the blinds of his office window, making it somewhat easier to read the clock on his desk.

Five seventeen.

He looked down at himself. Still dressed in the same clothes that he wore the night before.

He swung his legs off the sofa and sat up.

Sofa? How did he get *there*?

The last thing he remembered was the...oh God, the awful things he said to Alex and the terrible look of hurt in those beautiful eyes, just before he turned his back on him.

"Jesus," he whispered into his fist.

Taking a deep breath, Mulder hoisted himself off of the sofa and exited the room. He moved slowly to the bedroom and paused at the door.

//What are you going to do? Wake him up at five something in the morning and ask to have a heart to heart? What makes you think he'd want to talk to you after what you did? When he went nuts on you last week, *you* left. Shit. Maybe he did the same. Maybe he left last night after you fell asleep. I mean, could you blame him? You were a rotten bastard, last night. If I were him, I don't know if I'd ever forgive you...//

Attempting to mentally prepare himself for the possibility that Alex might not be there, Mulder carefully turned the knob and pushed the door open.

Fingers of pale light made their way into the room and slatted across the bed, revealing Alex, fully clothed, on Mulder's side of the bed, curled tightly around his lover's pillows.

Mulder stepped silently into the room and squatted beside the bed. A sad shadow of a smile curved his lips as memories of the first night, more specifically the first morning, that he and Alex had spent together, invaded his thoughts.

Mulder had awakened first, feeling a warm presence behind him. Recalling the night before and thinking that only something completely and utterly unholy could have done the things that Alex had done to him last night, he turned to look upon the demon, but found no such creature. Instead, he found himself looking at the most innocently beautiful face he had ever seen. He couldn't take his eyes off of that face, and he knew in that instant, that he would never want to wake up next to anyone other than this man, for the rest of his life...

Mulder blinked and refocused on the same sweet face that he'd looked on that morning, almost two years ago. He reached out and feathered the surface of Alex's hair with the back of his hand.

"I love you, Lexei," he whispered under his breath. "Please, come back to me." He drew his hand back, rose to his feet, and left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex blinked in the bright morning sunlight and sat up. A glance at the clock and some quick subtraction, told him that he'd had about three and a half hours of sleep. It was more than he thought he'd get, given the events of the night before.

The pain came back in a rush as he recalled Fox's words and the look of disgust in his eyes as he said them. After he'd left the office, he remembered staggering through the house and out to the yard, where he fell into a chair and sat staring out into the darkness. Sometime later, he came back into the house and went straight into the bedroom, where he collapsed, fully dressed, onto the bed and lay there wide eyed, until sometime after four.

He swallowed back the threatening sting of tears and got out of bed. But now that he was up, now what? He didn't know what to do, what he should...

He couldn't face Fox...not that Fox wanted to see him, *anyway*. But it was only seven thirty, and chances were great, that the other man was still in the house.

Should he stay there in the bedroom until he was sure Fox was gone? Yeah, maybe.

Okay, a shower first, then a shave and maybe by then, enough time would have passed for him to safely venture out.

Twenty-five minutes later, Alex opened the bedroom door and stood, listening. All was quiet.

He moved down the hall, slowing his pace when he reached Mulder's office. The door was wide open and no sound came from within, so he carefully peeked inside.

No Fox.

Alex entered the living room and looked around. Again, there was no sign of the other man. He took a deep breath and headed for the last place Fox might be.

The kitchen door squeaked gently as he swung it open and looked inside.

Empty.

Alex didn't know whether to be relieved or scared. He headed back to the bedroom and came to stand in front of Fox's closet.

What if he had no intention of coming back after work? What if he'd come in last night and packed his clothes?

//One way to find out.//

Alex closed his eyes and slid the door open. He opened his eyes slowly and nearly sank to the floor in relief, when he found all of Fox's clothes just the way he'd hung them, neatly, by color.

//What the hell are you so happy about? It's not like you're going to throw your arms around each other and everything's going to be fine and wonderful. He's furious with you. He can't stand the sight of you.//

Alex backed away from the closet and sat heavily on the bed. He closed his eyes and hung his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Morning, Mulder." Scully tossed her bag onto her desk as she entered their shared office.

"Morning."

"Oh, hell. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, *please*. You can't do nonchalant, Mulder. Just give it up and tell me why you've got a face, a mile long. You're beating yourself up over *something*, what is it?"

"What makes you think I'm doing that?"

"I'd know that look of self-loathing, anywhere. Tell me what happened."

Mulder sighed and rubbed at the corners of his eyes. "Your partner is a prick, Scully."

"That's just a little harsh, isn't it?"

"The truth is seldom pretty. Haven't we learned that?"

"I'll ask you again. What happened?"

"I don't want to go into the whole thing, I just...I can't. Suffice it to say, that I was so...*rotten* to Alex last night, I don't know that he'll ever forgive me for it."

"Come on, it couldn't have been *that* bad."

"It could have been and it was."

"Can I ask, why?"

"I couldn't take his behavior anymore. I'd had it and I let him know, none to kindly. If you could have seen the hurt in his eyes, you would have wanted to string me up from the highest tree. But instead of apologizing, I let him leave the room and I just stayed there, in my office. Fell asleep on the couch. When I got up this morning, I found him asleep in the bedroom, still dressed, curled up with my pillows." He smiled sadly, a bright gleam coating one eye. "You ever see him sleep?"

"I don't think so."

"You'd have remembered if you had. So beautiful. Almost angelic..."

Scully arched one eyebrow. "Ooookaaaay..."

Mulder frowned and looked away.

"I'm sorry Mulder, it's just kind of hard to imagine, you know? Listen, whatever happened, you've got to straighten it out, you know that. It'll just eat you up until you do."

"I know Scully, but I don't know how to..."

The ringing phone interrupted Mulder's sentence.

"Mulder. Yeah..what?................We'll be right there." He dropped the phone into its cradle and looked up at his partner. "We gotta go. Morelli and his boys have who we believe to be the killer, in Alexandria."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello?"

"Alex?"   "Hi Maggie."

"Are you okay? You don't sound well and the phone rang so many times before you answered it..."

"Sorry. I'm okay. Maggie? Would it be all right if we postponed lunch for another day?"

"I *knew* it. Something's wrong. Are you ill, Alex?"

"Not really."

"I raised four children, sweetheart. Don't try to snow me."

No response.

"Okay, look. If you don't want to go out for lunch, that's fine. I'll pick something up and come over there."

"Maggie...you don't...I..."

"I'll be there in an hour."

Margaret Scully disconnected and Alex dropped his hand to his side, letting the phone dangle from his fingers. After a moment, he placed it on the kitchen table and leaned back against the cabinets and slowly slid to the floor.

An hour and ten minutes passed, before Alex heard the doorbell ring. He lifted himself from the spot he'd been sitting in since Maggie's call, and went to the door.

Eyes as blue as Scully's and bright with concern, skimmed the figure in the doorway.

"Alex, you look like death."

Alex stepped aside and allowed the petite woman to enter. She shifted the two bags she carried into one hand and grabbed Alex's wrist with the other. Pulling him along behind her, she entered the kitchen and set the bags down.

"Sit down, here." Maggie pulled out a chair and pressed him into it. She studied his face for a few seconds, then pulled up a chair for herself. "Your eyes are bloodshot and all dark underneath. You haven't slept, have you?"

"Not too much."

"Where's Fox?"

"Work, I guess."

"You guess? Don't you know?"

"Y...yeah. He's at work."

Maggie frowned. "Does he know you're not well?"

Alex swallowed down the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat and lowered his head, a bit.

"Alex?"

"I'm not sick, Maggie. I'm okay."

"Okay, you're not sick. Then it's got something to do with Fox. Did something happen between the two of you?"

"I'd really rather not talk about it."

"I don't want to pry, honey. Whatever happened between you and Fox is your business. But look how it's got you. You need to work it out, whatever it is. Can you do that?"

"I don't...I don't know. I don't know if he even wants to, anymore."

"Aw sweetie, it can't be as bad as all that."

"You weren't here."

"No, I wasn't. But let me just tell you this. Fox loves you, Alex. I'm as sure of that as I am, my own name. And I'm just as sure that you two will get through whatever trouble you're having." She patted his hand. "Now, how about some lunch?"

Alex wrinkled his nose at the offer.

"I'm not leaving here until you eat something..."

The young man sighed. "Okay, since you went to all the trouble."

Maggie gave him a brilliant smile and began removing the contents from the bags. "You're going to love this. The cutest little French sandwich shop opened up downtown..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mulder. Mulder?"

Mulder turned his head in the direction of his partner.

"It's after six. We could be here for quite a while, yet. Shouldn't you call Alex?"

"Yeah. I should. I've been telling myself that for over an hour, now."

"So?"

"So, I don't know what to say to him."

"What do you *want* to say to him? Besides, 'I might be pretty late'?"

"I want to tell him that I'm sorry about last night and that I love him more than he can know."

"Sounds pretty good to me."

Mulder pulled his cell phone from his inside breast pocket and walked away, trying to find a quieter place within the precinct, to make his call. Finally, he found a spot and dialed his home number. The phone rang four times before he heard a brief rustle and a soft, hoarse, 'hello'.

"Alex...it's me."

Silence.

"Umm, look, uhhh...I'm going to be late. The suspected killer has been caught and I might have to be here at the police station for a while, yet....Alex, are you there?"

"Yeah."

Mulder closed his eyes and drew a steady breath.

//What the hell did you *expect*?//

"All right, then. I'll uh...I guess I'll see you when I get home, if it's not too late."

"Uh-huh."

"See you later, then."

"Bye."

Mulder leaned forward, pressing his head to the wall in front of him, phone still to his ear.

//Well, that went well.//

He pressed 'end' and shoving the phone back into his pocket, rejoined Scully.

"That was quick."

"Yeah."

"Okay...you didn't tell him, did you?"

"I don't think it would have done much good if I had."

"Meaning, you didn't."

Mulder ignored Scully's last statement and moved down the crowded hall, toward the interrogation room. "Let's see if we can't move this along, huh?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex lay back against the pillows, blindly flipping through channel after channel. He shifted again and again, unable to find a comfortable position on the stiff pillows. His focus on the television blurred as he thought back to Fox's call, a couple of hours ago.

He was shocked at hearing the soft monotone, telling him he'd be late. He truly had not expected it. He didn't know what to think at all, really. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to *feel*.

Not true, exactly. He *did* feel something. A few things, actually. Hurt, confusion, regret...hurt...loneliness...hurt...

Alex closed his eyes and tried to think of something else. Something happier. A tiny smile played at his lips as he recalled the first night that he and Fox spent in their new home.

Boxes everywhere, furniture in complete disarray. And instead of straightening the mess out, they opted to leave everything as it was until morning. They'd cracked open a big bottle of champagne and drank the whole thing, while they ate five-alarm buffalo wings and bacon and cheddar potato skins.

By the end of the bottle, neither man was feeling much pain...

"What's so funny?"

The more Alex looked at Mulder, the more he giggled.

"C'mon, tell me!"

"Nothing..nothing, it's just.." Alex broke into hysterics.

Mulder leapt from his little patch of floor, landing with surprising grace, on top of his lover and pushing him onto his back.

"You gonna tell me?"

Alex pushed against Mulder's chest, but he was laughing to hard to have much effect.

Mulder easily pulled the younger man's hands above his head and pinned them there. "Tell me what's so funny, or I'll *really* give you a reason to laugh.

Alex's eyes widened. "No," he choked. "No Fox, don...*don't*!"

Screeches of laughter bounced off of the bare walls, as Mulder mercilessly tickled the man beneath him.

"Cut it...*out*...*shit*....I can't...can't....*breathe*!"

"Are you going to tell me what you were laughing at?"

"*Yes*! Just stop!"

Mulder drew his hand back but remained poised to resume the assault, if Alex didn't talk.

"It was nothing..." Alex drew a deep, shuddering breath. "You just..you have this spot of sauce right on the tip of your nose..."

"That's *it*?"

"Yeah." Alex grinned up at him. "It's just funny! It's been there for like, five minutes now. How can you not know it's there?"

"Why didn't you say something instead of letting me sit there, looking like an idiot?"

Alex began to laugh again. "I just wanted to see how long it'd take before you noticed, if at all."

"Great. Thanks."

"I'm sorry." He smiled up at Mulder. "Let me get it off, for you..."

The trapped man lifted his head off the floor, far enough to make contact with his captor's nose. His tongue inched out and licked at the orangy-red spot. "Wait...it's kinda stuck..."

"Stuck?"

"Yeah..." More laughter. "It's been there so long, it's started to dry..."

Mulder lifted his hand to rub at his nose.

"I said I'd get it off."

"You also just said that it was *dry*."

"So? Just takes a little more work, that's all...."   Alex's tongue swiped at the sauce a couple more times. "There. It's gone." His eyes took on a devilish gleam. "Oh...wait...there's some over....here...." Again, the tongue slithered out, this time making contact with the older man's lips.

Mulder groaned softly and his lips parted far enough to let his own tongue slip past them, making contact with the one teasing his mouth.

The amused gleam in Alex's eyes was quickly replaced with one of desire. He gathered up the necessary strength and rolled the older man onto his back, sprawling along the length of his body.

Mulder sent up a lazy grin. "Are you trying to take advantage of my slightly inebriated condition?"

"Yes. Would you care to protest?"

"Only if you stop."

Alex's soft laughter vibrated against Mulder's lips, then the interior of his mouth, as they came together. The laugh melted into a whispered moan, when the man beneath him threaded a hand through his hair and deepened the kiss.

Mulder shifted position slightly, trying to relieve the increasing discomfort in the crotch of his jeans. The action caused him to brush against his quickly hardening partner.

Alex broke the kiss and buried his face in the curve of Mulder's throat. "I have a question for you," he murmured against his lover's rapidly pounding pulse.

"What?"

"Why the hell are you still dressed?"

"I was just about to ask you that same question."

The two men undressed each other, practically ripping the clothes from their bodies, then fell together again, Alex still on top, slowly rolling his hips, rubbing his full-blown erection against Mulder's. The older man's eyes rolled up into his head and his lids dropped over them.

"Mmmm."

"Like that?"

Mulder nodded silently.

Alex kissed him again. Hard and long, then pulled away, smiling.

"Now, what?" Mulder panted.

"You know, we gotta do this in every room in the house, before the week is out, or we'll have bad luck."

Mulder's eyebrows drew down into a distinct frown. "Where the hell did you get *that* from?"

"It's true."

"I never *heard* of it."

Alex kissed him again, laughing. "Okay, I made it up. But it sounds good, doesn't it?"

"You're shameless."

Alex shrugged. "I know. But you love me."

Mulder clasped a hand at the back of the younger man's head and pulled him down into another kiss. "Yes, I do."

They made love twice that night, intense desire fueled by the joy and excitement of embarking on this new life together.

They fell asleep, entangled on the mattress, on the floor of the bedroom that would be theirs, happiness radiating from every pore.

Two rooms down, six to go...

Alex's smile faded as he came back to harsh reality and wondered if he and Fox would ever have nights like those, again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder slipped into the house, moving deftly through the darkness. A quick glance into the empty living room, and he moved on to the kitchen. Also empty. He proceeded to the bedroom and pushed the door open. His heart began to beat a little faster, when he found the bed, still neatly made.

//Calm down. He's gotta be here, somewhere. His truck is still in the garage...//

Mulder checked the bathroom, then journeyed back down the hall, to his office. That room, like the others, was vacant.

As he leaned against the door, thinking of where to look next, a slim band of flickering light down the other end of the hall, caught his eye. He walked toward the light and paused at the door of the guest bedroom. He listened to the faint drone of the television and leaned his head against the door.

//Shit. Okay. Go in? What if he's asleep? Do I wake him? I'm sure he's had as little sleep as I have. All right. If he's asleep, I leave him alone. If he's awake...if he's awake? Yeah, good question. What the hell do I do, if he's awake?//

Making the decision to play it by ear, Mulder turned the knob and pushed the door open. The television provided a strobe-like effect, flaring unsteadily across the figure on the bed. Mulder approached carefully and looked down at his lover, propped against a mass of pillows. His thick sable eyelashes gently swept the swell of his cheek and his mouth...that perfectly bowed, infinitely kissable mouth, parted slightly, making visible, just the tiniest flash of white teeth.

Mulder studied the beautiful face, feeling the strong urge to wake the sleeping man and ask him...demand, if necessary, that he come back to their room with him. But what right did he have? After the way he'd treated Alex last night, he was lucky that the younger man was still here, in the *house*.

Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. He'd take the morning...the *day* off, and they'd talk. Get this all straightened out. Hopefully.

He eased the remote from underneath Alex's hand, and shut the television off.

The soft click, snapped Alex's eyes open. Mulder heard the sudden intake of breath, and flicked the t.v. back on. Startled but exhausted green eyes, met his.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Alex glanced at the clock. Eight minutes after midnight. He looked back at Fox, but didn't meet his eye.

"Just get in?"

"Yeah. They've got the bastard. There's a good case against him, I don't think he'll slip the noose."

"Thanks to all your work."

Mulder shrugged, then took a seat at the very edge of the mattress. "Uh...so...since you're awake, could we...would you mind..."

Alex sat quietly, staring down at his loosely folded hands.

"I'm really sorry about last night. I was such an asshole. I didn't mean the things I said..."

"Sure you did," Alex said flatly. "Or you wouldn't have said them. It's okay. You're right. I am pathetic."

"No, Lexei..."

Alex nodded. "This is my problem, Fox. I won't bother you with it. When I've got it worked out, I'll let you know, okay?"

Mulder sat with his head down, hearing his own words, coming back to haunt him.

"You look really tired," Alex said softly. "Why don't you go to bed?"

//Not without you, Lexei. Come with me. Let's fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms, like we used to...//

Mulder hesitated a moment, wanting desperately to give voice to his thoughts, but the words refused to come. He got to his feet and moved slowly toward the door. He stopped there, hand on the knob. He spoke to the man in the bed, without turning his head.

"Goodnight, Alex."

Receiving no answer, he opened the door and slipped out as silently as he'd arrived.

Alex watched the closed door for what seemed like an eternity, hoping that Fox would come back through it, promising him that everything would be okay and ask him to please, come back to their bed.

When he realized that it wasn't going to happen, he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, trying to ward off the pain that swept through his body. He finally fell into a fitful sleep, sometime in the early morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder entered the kitchen at seven twenty-two, looking around at the pristine room.

//But...//

He stood, hands resting on a chair, frowning in confusion.

//That's *bacon* I smell, I know it...//

His eyes fell on the stove. The oven was on, the knob turned to *warm*. He pulled the door down and found a covered plate inside. He retrieved an oven mit from the counter and removed the plate. Taking the lid off, he found the bacon he'd been smelling, accompanied by a stack of pancakes.

//Alex...//

He couldn't believe this. Alex had apparently gotten up long before he had, made him breakfast, then conveniently, disappeared.

Mulder set the plate down on the table, then sat in front of it. He hadn't much of an appetite, but Alex had gone to the trouble of preparing it for him, so he at least had to try.

To his surprise, he ate about half of the meal. Much more than he imagined he could.

Much as he hated to do it, he scraped the rest down the disposal, then placed the dish in the dishwasher. The thought to seek Alex out and at least thank him, crossed Mulder's mind, but if Alex had wanted to talk, he wouldn't have made himself scarce.

Mulder pulled open a drawer at the end of the counter, removing a pad of paper and a pen. He scribbled a brief message across the yellow paper, then left for work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three hours later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex entered the kitchen and went to the refrigerator for some orange juice. He poured himself a glass and leaned against the counter, taking notice that the oven had been shut off. On his way to the stove, he noticed the small piece of paper lying on the table. He slid the paper toward him and tilted his head at a slight angle to read.

'Thank you.'

He stared down at the note for a while, his thumb stroking across the two word message. Finally, he picked the paper up and let it drop into the garbage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another lonely night.

Mulder had come home early today, hoping that Alex might be in the mood to talk. But after the younger man fixed dinner, he excused himself, then retreated into the guest bedroom, not to be seen for the rest of the evening.

Mulder had tried once to initiate a conversation while Alex cooked, but it went nowhere...

"Can I help? Is there anything I can get...chop..." He gave Alex a wary smile. "Slice, dice, puree?"

"N-no. I got it under control. Why don't you just go relax? Dinner should be done in half an hour or so."

He should have said something more. *Done* something...pulled Alex away from the goddamn stove, spun him around and laid a long, tender kiss on him, *begged* him to talk this out, but *noooooo*. What did he do? He turned around and went out to the living room, where he brooded in front of the fucking t.v. for forty-five minutes until Alex came out, carrying a plate and a bottle of Corona. He set them down on the coffee table, placed a neatly folded napkin beside the plate, then left Mulder alone...

Mulder grimaced, propping himself up against three pillows, while hugging the fourth to his chest.

How long was this going to go on? He couldn't take much more of the silence. He couldn't take much more of the loneliness. He needed to see that smile that greeted him at the end of every day...feel those strong, sure arms around him...hear his lover's sweet, passionate whispers in his ear...

Sleep came to Mulder, painfully slow. Every waking moment, plagued by thoughts of his Lexei, hurt and alone as he was, tossing and turning, lying sleepless in the bed he owned, but was not really his.

//We gotta stop this, Lexei. We gotta...before *we* stop...//

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex's eyes opened and he looked at the clock.

One fifty-six.

Great. Less than thirty minutes after he'd finally fallen asleep, he was awake again.

Something roused him. He didn't know *what*, but...

He listened in the darkness, hearing nothing but silence, then...there it was. Abrupt. Terrified.

Fox.

Alex bolted from the bed and fled the room. Before he reached the bedroom, Fox's voice sounded again, literally screaming...*Alex's* name. The sound froze him for a split second, then he was throwing the door open and falling onto the bed beside the sweat-soaked, sobbing man.

"Alex!"

"Fox..." Alex stroked his damp hair away from his forehead. "*Fox*, wake up..."

Damn.

It'd been more than six months since the last nightmare. He was doing so well...when they first moved in together, Alex had discovered that Mulder had frequent nightmares. He'd wake up in the middle of the night, screaming his sister's name. Sometimes it only took a few minutes to calm him down...sometimes longer. Sometimes, the only way to stop the incessant shaking, was to occupy him with other things. Alex would kiss him gently, skimming his body with loving caresses, until Fox began to whimper not with fear, but with need. Then Alex would make love to him, making him forget the terror and pain of his sister's loss.

But this wasn't Samantha's name, Fox was screaming. It was *his*...

"Alex, noooo...Alex!"

"Fox!" Alex shook him gently. "Wake up, baby..."

Mulder's thrashing subsided and his eyes drifted open. The first image within his focus, was that of Alex's frightened, concerned face. He reached up, touching the younger man's cheek, and began to tremble violently. "Alex....oh God, Alex..."

Alex pushed himself up into a sitting position, against the headboard and pulled Fox into his arms, rocking him gently. "It was just a dream, Fox. It's over. It's okay..."

Fox clung tightly to Alex, pressing his face into the younger man's chest, as Alex continued to rock him, and for that moment, they weren't two men whose relationship teetered on the brink of destruction. They were just Alex and Fox, wrapped in the warmth of each other's arms, giving and receiving comfort.

Alex stroked the golden-brown head, scattering tiny kisses over the crown, as Fox continued to shudder uncontrollably.

"What were you dreaming about?"

Mulder took a few hard breaths and began to speak. "It s-started out like all the..the r-rest. Samantha floating out the win..window and me not being..." another long, shaky breath, "being able to do anything...then it changed...I don't...I don't know where I was, but...it was dark, and...you were..." he tightened his grip on the front of Alex's t-shirt, "...were there. You were in this black pool of w-water, I guess. You were struggling....drowning, and you kept...kept calling me...reaching out for me, and I just..." his words started to come out in gasping sobs, "I just stood there, watch...watching...I didn't...I didn't..."

"Easy, Fox." Alex rubbed his back. "Come on, breathe..."

"I didn't do anything to save you..."

"It's the same as with Samantha, Fox. You were paralyzed..."

"No! You don't...don't get it! I *could* have saved you...I know I could've, I just...I just, *didn't*. I stood there. I watched you slip into that blackness. Then I realized....oh *God*, I realized that I wanted to pull you out. I *tried*, but it was....it was too l-late. You were gone." The tremors increased. "I let you go...I let you go..."

"You didn't let me go, Fox. I'm right here. Look at me. Please, look at me..."

Mulder turned tormented eyes up to Alex's face.

"See?" he whispered. "You didn't let me go."

The two men stared at each other for long moments, Alex still lovingly stroking Fox's cheek. Finally, it was Fox, who tilted his face downward.

"I can't...I can't s-stop shaking..."

"Are you cold?"

The other man nodded.

"I'll get you a blanket..." Alex loosened his hold on Fox and started to move away, but the older man would not release him.

"No." He looked up again, into unsure green eyes. "Don't let me go...please."

Alex hesitated, then slowly relaxed back against the headboard, again encircling Fox in his arms. "Okay." He rested his cheek on top of the quivering man's head and gently rubbed his back and arm.

A long silence passed before Alex curved a finger under Fox's chin and lifted his head. "You're still shaking. It's not just the dream, is it?"

Mulder blinked, trying to keep his focus on the sea of deep green above him. "I can't...can't lose you..."

Alex shook his head, opening and closing his mouth. Wanting to speak, but unsure of what to say. So he decided against speech. His head lowered slowly to his lover's, tentatively brushing the full lips with his own. The tiny gasp emitted by the man in his arms, prompted a deeper kiss.

Mulder groaned into the other man's mouth and wound an arm around his neck. It wasn't very long at all before they were kissing as passionately as they ever had, tongues stroking and caressing, teasing each other with the promise of what was yet to come.

"I need you Lexei," Fox whimpered against Alex's mouth.

Alex nodded, then slipped a hand under Fox's shirt, stroking his overheated skin, loving the feel of the rippling muscles, beneath his fingers. "I missed you so much, Fox. I'm so..." He stopped, biting back the words. Fox pulled away from his mouth and met his gaze on a level.

"You don't..." Fox drew a shaky breath. "..have to apologize, Alex. But go...go ahead, if you feel you need to. I know, *I* do."

Alex studied him for a moment, then spoke. "I'm sorry for all of this. I've caused us so much trouble...please forgive me."

Mulder imparted a tender, shaky kiss on Alex's lips, then replied. "I'll accept y-your apology, but I'm the one who needs to beg forgiveness, not you. I was awful to you baby, and I hate myself for it. I'm so s-sorry I hurt you. Can you forgive *me*?"

"You wouldn't have had to do what you did if I wasn't acting the way I was..."

"Can we talk it all out, Lexei? Make it right?"

"I want that more than anything."

Mulder smiled, raking his fingers through his lover's hair. "I love you."

Alex returned the smile as the other man moved in for another kiss. And another. And still another, until both men were panting heavily, tearing at the scant clothing that each of them was wearing.

Once they were naked, Alex rolled Fox under him and attacked his mouth once more, thrusting his tongue into the wet heat.

Fox surrendered himself to his lover, happier than he could ever express, to have him back. "Lexei," he whispered between kisses. "My Lexei..."

Alex's mouth moved away from his lover's, licking and nibbling at his chin, then the sensitive flesh underneath. He worked his way down to Fox's throat, then made a sudden detour north, paying loving attention to his ear.

"Jesus, I missed you..." His teeth clamped down gently on Fox's earlobe and pulled, before teasing the interior with the tip of his tongue.

Shivers raced down Fox's spine as he writhed beneath his lover. His fingers clenched in the lean muscles of Alex's back, prompting a deep groan. Fox shuddered, feeling the vibration pass into his ear and straight through the center of his body.

Alex left Fox's ear and worked his way back down, pausing along the way, to trace the ridge of his collar bone with the tip of his tongue.

"Mmmm....Alex..."

The younger man smiled against his lover's quivering flesh, then continued on, working his way down to one hard, brown nipple.

Fox hissed in surprise, feeling the gentle graze, then the sharp pinch of teeth, as they clamped down and pulled.

"Oh, God. You're driving me crazy, Alex....*Alex*!"

Alex held Fox's nipple firmly between his teeth and flicked at the tip with his tongue, sending the older man into a frenzy.

"Christ, I can't..can't stand it! Been too long, Lexei. Please. *Please*!"

"You're right." The soft, smoky voice drifted up to Fox's ear. "It *has* been too long. And that's why were going to wait. I want this to last."

Soft whimper. "How long?"

"As long as I can make it."

"*Nooo*"

"Oh, yes."

Alex was back. And he was taking no prisoners.

"Relax, beautiful. It's going to be a long night."

Alex returned to the reddened little peak, gently feathering it with tiny, teasing lashes.

God, he loved the way Fox tasted. He loved the sounds, soft and not so soft, that he made. He adored the way he felt...hard and soft....rough and smooth...how did he ever go...how the hell long was it? Made no difference, it *seemed* like a lifetime, without experiencing all the pleasures his lover's body had to offer.

Fox's head rolled frantically against the pillows, as Alex moved to torment his other nipple. He plunged his fingers into the sable silk, unsure of whether he wanted to pull Alex away, or hold him closer.

No matter, as Alex was going to do exactly what *Alex* wanted to do, anyway.

God, Fox was glad to have him back...

Alex's teeth closed around the second nipple, treating it to the same type of attention that the first had received.

"Oh God, oh....*shit*!" Mulder gritted his teeth, taking every bit of painful pleasure that Alex saw fit to dish out. "You're killing me, Alex. I hope you know that..."

The smoky, seductive tone crept again, into Fox's auditory nerve, curling around his brain. "I know that you love it...don't you?"

No answer.

A sharp pull on the flesh, recaptured between Alex's teeth.

"Fuck!"

"Don't you?"

"Yes! Alex, I'm *begging* you!"

"It'll do you no good."

"What *will*?"

"Nothing. Not tonight." Alex smiled at the low whine. "Don't worry, baby. I promise, it'll be worth the wait."

"You mean, the...torture..."

"Such a harsh word." Alex turned his attention back to Fox's nipple, bestowing a series of delicate licks and kisses.

Mulder's hands moved on Alex's back, using quick, erratic strokes, his respiration rate almost matching that rhythm.

Alex began to move again, drifting south at an excruciatingly slow pace, taking care not to ignore a single square inch of skin. His heart pounded in an almost identical rhythm to that of his lover and his own cock screamed for release, but he absolutely refused to rush this. It felt so goddamn good to have his Fox writhing beneath him, begging for his touch and it felt even better to finally be able to give them both what they needed without feeling that crippling guilt and self-hatred.

Fraction by fraction, Alex worked his way down to his lover's twitching cock, nipping at the salty-sweet skin, then thoroughly soothing the tiny irritations with his tongue. He moved down another inch and felt the moist tip, brushing the underside of his chin. He hooked two fingers around the base and pulled Mulder's cock away from it's resting place. Then, parting his lips, he brought his mouth down over the head, but would not let it touch the warm interior.

A low, warning rumble came from somewhere above his head.

Alex ignored the sound and drew his mouth away.

"Alex...."

The younger man rubbed his cheek ever so gently against the velvety shaft.. "Hmm?"

"I'm really...*really* ready..."

"I know you are," Alex whispered absently, intently watching his own finger, run circles around the swollen head, spreading a thin coating of pre-cum over the blunt surface.

"Well," Mulder spoke again, trying to rein in his impatience. "Do you think maybe...we could get on with it?"

"Mmmm........nope."

"W-what do you *mean*, nope?"

Alex continued to entertain himself, now tracing a path along the vein on the underside of Mulder's cock. "Nope. As in, no. Uh-uh. No way, Jose..."

Mulder drew in one shaky breath. Then another. He spoke to Alex in a soft, barely controlled voice.

"You *do* realize that I'm going to have to make you pay *big* for this..."

Alex's voice came back in a smooth purr. "Ooooh, you promise?"

"You can bet the ranch on it."

The younger man moaned his satisfaction and began inflicting dozens of tiny, butterfly kisses up and down his lover's length. Reaching the tip for the fourth time, he released a series of quick tongue lashes all around the head.

"Oh, *Jesus*...Alex...*please*. If you *love* me..."

"You know I love you, Fox."

"Then, please. For *God's* sake..."

"Have you ever studied my cock, Fox?"

"*What*?"

"Have you ever looked at it?"

The impatience was seeping through, again. "Yeah. Sure. Looks pretty much like mine."

Alex propped his head up in his hand and observed the organ in question. "Maybe at a quick glance, but I think they're like hands. No two are the same."

"I'm gonna kill you..."

"For instance, yours curves the tiniest bit to the left...*my* left, not yours..."

"You're a dead man..."

"Does mine?"

"Does yours, *what*?"

"Curve."

"I don't...look, Alex. I'll check it out later and describe it in minute detail to you, okay? But for now, would you just *please*..."

"You might think this is kind of sick, but...you know when I best like to give you head?"

"Right *now*?"

"After we've come in from a run or just finished working out. I love that salty, clean sweat taste..."

"God, I can see it now. 'Gee, Mr. medical examiner, I don't know *what* killed him. I hadn't even fucking, *touched* *him* *yet*!'"

"You shouldn't clench your jaws like that, Fox. That's how my uncle Vlad wound up with TMJ. Poor man couldn't even open his mouth to eat. He had to be fed through a straw..."

Mulder covered his eyes with his hands. "You can't kill him. You'd regret it, later. You love him, you can't kill him. You *can't* kill....ohhhhhhhhhh, yessssssssssss......"

Making the sudden decision to play nice, Alex opened his mouth and slid it over the entire length of Mulder's cock.

Mulder's face contorted in intense pleasure, as his lover used ever talent at his disposal, to bring him to the very edge of orgasm.

"No, don't stop! Don't..."

Alex released Fox from his mouth and slid up over his body.

"Shhh. Easy." He grinned at the man beneath him. "That was close, huh?"

Through gritted teeth. "*Yes*."

Alex dropped his head to the other man's, dragging his tongue heavily, across his mouth. "You can't come yet."

"Oh God, why not?"

"Because I want to be inside you, when you do."

"Well, *get* there, would you?"

"All right, all right. Now, where did I put the lube..."

"You've got three seconds to find it."

"And if I don't?"

"You're going in without it. Sure as shit wouldn't be the first time."

Alex smirked, pulling open the nightstand drawer. He made a show of rummaging through the contents, then produced the tube. "Hmm. Feels kinda light. I'd better remember to put that on my shopping list..."

Mulder groaned and tilted his head back against the pillows. A few seconds later, he felt a hand in his hair, and his head being tipped forward, pulled into a soul-melting kiss. Alex released him long moments later, and whispered against his mouth.

"I love you, Fox."

Mulder's eyelids lifted and he found himself staring up into the sober, green gaze of his lover. Before he could respond, he felt himself being lifted and positioned. A loud gasp escaped his lips, as he felt himself being stretched and entered, slowly.

Alex threw his head back, releasing a long moan, as he struggled to get control of his body. It screamed at him. Pleaded with him, to plunge ahead and put an end to this torture he'd created for Fox and himself. But he couldn't. Not now. He couldn't deny either of them the pleasure of this moment. He moved slowly within his lover, pushing forward a bit, then pulling back, repeating the process, over and over, until he was completely sheathed in Fox's tight heat.

"Ohhhhhh, yes....Lexei...it's been so long...."

Alex lowered himself onto Fox's chest, his trembling arms no longer able to hold him up. The older man's arms immediately wrapped around his back, stroking and massaging the taut muscles.

"My God," Alex said in a breathless whisper, rocking slowly. "You feel so, *so* good..." His mouth came down tenderly on Fox's, drinking in his lover's soft whimpers. His tongue dipped into the dark warmth, searching for and quickly finding its mate...caressing and tasting the sweetness that belonged to Fox, alone.

Involuntary shudders ran through Mulder's body as Alex continued to feed on his mouth, and began a series of slow, deep thrusts. He tightened one arm around the younger man's back, while his other hand wandered downward, stroking over the tense muscles of his ass.

Alex broke the kiss and buried his face in the curve of his lover's shoulder, concentrating all his efforts on maintaining control. A difficult thing to do, since Fox was squeezing his ass, pulling him in tightly on every downstroke.

"Fox...*damn*...Fox, don't...I can't hold on, if you're..."

Mulder showed no signs that he'd heard a word of what Alex was trying to say. The only thing that filtered through the sensual haze he was in, was the urgent demands of his body. He tilted his hips, giving Alex greater access, then joined his left hand with his right, coaxing his lover to increase the speed and strength of his thrusts.

Alex held up well under the pressure, but when the soft, gasping moans began, he threw in the towel. Alex Krycek was a man who had always prided himself on his patience and restraint, but he learned early on, that he had no defense for those sounds. They were as irresistible to him as the man who made them.

Slipping one hand under Fox's head and the other between their hips, Alex grasped his lover's cock and began to milk it in time to his movements.

Mulder's head twisted to the side and a loud sob tumbled from his open mouth.

"It's right there Fox," Alex panted. "You feel it?"

Mulder nodded, unable to speak.

"Come on, then. Come with me...come on, baby..."

Mulder's body tightened as his orgasm hit, squeezing his lover's cock in a vise-grip. The sensation resonated through Alex's whole body. He groaned through gritted teeth and drove into Fox with all his strength, feeling the rush of his own release, only seconds later. Their hoarse cries tore through the room as Alex continued to pound into his lover, refusing to quit until sheer exhaustion caused him to collapse. He fell on top of Fox, intermittent shudders running through his limp body.

"Alex..." The almost inaudible whisper sounded, long minutes later.

No answer.

"Lexei..."

"Hmm..."

"Let go."

Alex moaned softly, already slipping back into unconsciousness. Mulder worked a hand between them. "Baby, let..." He managed to grasp Alex's hand, which was still wrapped tightly around his cock. "..let...go."

Alex heard and understood, loosening his grip and moving his hand away. He let it drop on the pillow, beside Mulder's head and the older man could not resist turning his head to taste himself. He wrapped his arms around Alex's back and stroked it slowly, while he dropped several kisses onto the head, nestled against his shoulder.

"Fox?"

Mulder smiled at the sleepy mumble.

"Yeah?"

"Can't move..."

He laughed softly. "It's okay. I don't want you to." He tightened his hold on his lover. "Go to sleep."

There was no need for that last instruction. Alex never heard it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

//What the hell is that? Oh...the phone...//

Alex's head jerked up and looked around. His action caused the man beneath him to stir. He stretched over Fox and grabbed for the phone...

Scully's eyebrows rose at the sound of the hoarse 'hello'.

"Alex?"

"Yeah. Scully, what's..."

"I'm sorry I woke you, but...Alex, would you have any idea where Mulder is?"

Alex looked down at Mulder, whose eyes were just beginning to open, then glanced over at the clock.

Nine forty-three.

"Shit."

"What?"

"Uh, Scully..."

Mulder blinked up at his lover, noting his expression, then lifted his head to look at the clock.

"Oh, shit."

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

He could hear the smile in her voice. "Is that Mulder, I hear cursing?"

Before Alex could answer, Mulder took the phone from him.

"Sorry Scully, I completely forgot to set the alarm."

"Uh huh. Will you be coming in today, or should I go see Morelli without you?"

"N-no. I'll be there. Give me an hour, okay?"

"You got it. Hey, Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry I woke you boys up."

Mulder grinned into the phone. "See you soon." He hung up and turned his attention to the man draped over his chest. They stared at each other for a long while, Mulder stroking Alex's cheek, then he spoke. "I don't want to leave you, today."

Alex strung a trail of moist kisses across Fox's chest, before answering. "I know you don't. But you've got work to do."

"Scully understands. I should call her back."

Alex sat up and grasped Mulder's arms, pulling him up as well. He kissed the older man's chin, then the corner of his shoulder. He leaned forward until his forehead rested in the same spot. "Go to work, Fox. We've got plenty of time to catch up."

Mulder threaded his fingers through Alex's hair and pulled his head away from his shoulder. Their eyes met and held.

"Last night was incredible."

Alex kissed his arm, then gave him a thoroughly heart-melting pout. "So, you don't want to make me *pay*, anymore?"

"Oh no, you're still going to pay for what you did to me. Oh *God*, you're gonna pay..."

Alex's face brightened. "Later?"

"You must be the only person I know who looks *forward* to being punished."

Alex dropped a hand to his lover's thigh, tracing light circles on it, through the sheet. "Only if you're the one dishing it out..."

Mulder groaned softly. "If I don't get up right now, I never will."

"Okay." Alex threw the sheet off and slipped out of bed. He motioned to Mulder to do the same. "Let's go. You told Scully an hour and we've already wasted about fifteen minutes. Go get into the shower. I'll get your clothes."

Mulder swung his legs off the bed and looked Alex up and down. Mostly down. He stepped forward and wound his arms around his partner's waist. "I got a better idea," he murmured, pressing their erections together.

Alex groaned. "Your better *idea* is going to make you later than you already are."

Mulder just smiled and wrapping his hand around Alex's cock, led him into the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An hour, huh?"

Mulder bustled into the room and yanked open a file drawer. "I know. I'm sorry, I got stuck in uh..." he looked up at Scully's amused face. "traffic."

"Right."

Mulder tried to cover his grin as he searched through the drawer.

"I called Morelli and told him that we couldn't make it there until twelve-thirty. He wasn't thrilled to have to juggle his schedule around, but he did."

"Thanks."

Scully drummed her fingers on Mulder's desk. Waiting. Finally, she'd had it.

"Mulder..."

"Hmm?"

"What the hell *happened*?"

Mulder pulled the found file out and closed the drawer. He walked over to his desk and dropped into the chair, before he spoke. "We still need to do some talking...clear the air, but now, we're both in agreement about that. We're traveling the same path, again."

"I can safely assume that the kissing and making up phase has begun, though?"

A soft smile curved Mulder's lips. "Yeah."

"Thank *God*. Well, come on. We'd better get out of here. Morelli's mad enough."

Mulder quickly scanned the file for the information he was looking for, then jumped up and headed for the door. "Okay, let's roll. The sooner we wrap this case up, the sooner this day will be over."

Scully walked out after him, laughing. "You know Mulder, there was a time when I'd practically have to drag you away from work at gunpoint..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God, this had to be the damn longest day on record.

Mulder pulled into the garage beside the black pickup and looked down at the clock, before cutting the motor.

Six eleven.

He grinned, recalling his conversation with Alex, earlier this afternoon. He was up to something. The devious tone in his voice left no doubt about that. He'd asked when Fox would be getting home, then insisted on pinning him down to an exact time. When asked about it, Alex said nothing more than that he'd had a special dinner planned, and if Fox was late, it would be ruined.

He exited the garage and walked slowly to the front door, looking around. Nothing out of the ordinary, so far. He unlocked the door and pushed it open, causing a piece of paper attached to a string, to drop down in front of his face. He yanked the string away from the doorframe and read the note.

'Hi handsome. Please go directly into the dining room.'

Smirking uncontrollably, Mulder followed the written instructions. He walked to the dining room, sniffing at the wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen. The smirk turned into a full grin, when he opened the door and found the dining room alight with at least a dozen candles and their favorite music, wafting softly through the air. His gaze fell to the table, which he noticed was exquisitely set...for one.

"What the..."

Mulder walked over to the table and found another note on his plate.

'Sit. Relax. Pour yourself a glass of wine and wait for me.'

Shaking his head, Mulder seated himself and pulled the bottle from the ice bucket, beside the table. Having filled his goblet, he returned the bottle to its resting place. He lifted the glass, momentarily entranced by the way the shimmering candlelight reflected in the burgundy pool, then brought it to his lips.

Having spent the majority of the day in a smoke-filled police station, his throat had become a bit irritated, and the chilled wine felt like heaven. Fox sat quietly, letting the wine and the music do their job, while he contemplated the meaning of the single place setting.

A quarter of the way through his second glass of wine, he heard the door open. He smiled into the goblet but did not turn around.

"You were early," the low seductive voice came from directly behind him.

"You were so adamant about me not being late, but I didn't figure it would be a bad thing to be early."

"It's not. I just hadn't intended for you to wait so long."

Mulder raised his glass for another sip and nearly choked as he caught Alex out of the corner of his eye, coming around his left side, carrying a large silver tray and wearing nothing but an earring and a decidedly evil, little smile.

"Dinner is served."

Mulder gaped at the man beside him, unable to say a word.

It was an even better reaction than Alex had expected. He set the tray down and moved closer to his shocked lover, skimming the slack jaw, as he glided around to the back of the chair. "Let's get your jacket off." He gently pushed Fox forward, and worked the suit jacket down his arms, and off. Draping the garment across the closest vacant chair, Alex returned to Fox's line of sight. The left corner of his mouth slanted upward, as his hands slid up his lover's shoulders, coming together at his throat. He loosened the tie enough to slip it over Fox's head, then dropped it down, around his own neck. He then turned back to the table and began serving the contents of the tray.

Fox watched all of this, mesmerized and still, very speechless. Not even his thoughts would come to him in a coherent pattern.

Alex finished serving the food, then picked the pale celadon napkin up, and placed it neatly over the prominent bulge in Fox's lap. He then leaned back against the table, and lifted a forkful of tender Chateaubriand to the older man's mouth. "Open up," he instructed in a soft, singing tone.

Fox finally found his voice, raspy though it was. "Are you going to eat?"

"Ate already."

"Why?"

Alex slipped the fork into his opening mouth. "So I could give you all my attention."

Mulder chewed the meat and swallowed.

"Good?"

He nodded. "Where are your clothes?"

Alex gave him a cryptic smile. "Would you like me to go put something on?"

Mulder shook his head.

"You sure?"

"Very sure." The seated man raised a hand to Alex's thigh and swept the length of it.

"Ah, ah, ah. No dessert till *after* dinner.

Mulder pulled the corner of his lower lip into his mouth and let his hand drop from Alex's leg.

Alex speared a tiny red potato and popped into the other man's mouth. "How was your day?"

"Long. One of the longest, I can remember."

"Aww. My poor Fox. Well, you're home now. You can relax."

"And how do you suggest I do that?"

Alex cocked his head, giving Mulder a curious look.

"You're leaning against the dining room table, *naked*, less than six inches from me, feeding me my dinner and you want me to relax?"

"Is it that much of a distraction?"

Mulder snorted around a mouthful of food. "Like you didn't know."

Alex continued feeding him. "You've seen me naked a million times..."

"This is just a little different though, you know? You truly shocked me."

"I gathered that from the look on your face."

Mulder took hold of his necktie, just brushing Alex's chest with the backs of his fingers, and tugged gently on the silk. "Looks good on you."

Alex merely smiled and held another forkful up to his lover's mouth.

Mulder closed his lips around the fork and pulled the food away, never taking his eyes off of Alex's. When he'd swallowed, he wound the tie around his fingers. He patted the table with his other hand. "Hop up."

Alex raised one dark eyebrow. "You're supposed to be eating..."

"I will. Up."

Alex sighed, seating himself on the table.

"You know..." Mulder began, picking bits of food out of the plate. "..this is very good. Excellent. But it would taste that much better..." He lined the contents of his hand up, along Alex's thigh. "..if I ate it..." He nuzzled the other man's knee. "..like this..."

Alex sucked in a quick breath, as his lover picked the first morsel up, dragging his tongue along the skin as he did.

"You're an evil, evil man..."

"You started it," Mulder murmured against the younger man's thigh. "Now, I'm going to finish it."

By the time Fox had finished his dinner, Alex was a wreck. He fought to control the tremors that passed through his body, every time Fox's mouth grazed his skin. When the last bit of food was eaten away, he released a long breath of relief.

Fox rose to his feet and planted his hands on either side of Alex's hips. "That was the most delicious meal I've ever had." He leaned in, laying a soft kiss on Alex's lips. "Thank you."

"You *really* want to thank me?"

The older man leaned in, stopping when their mouths were only fractions apart. "Sure, I do."

"Fuck me."

Mmmm, I don't know..."

"Please?"

Mulder rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, giving his lover's request some thought.

Alex rubbed his head against the lightly stubbled cheek. "Fox..."

"What?"

"I need you," he whined softly, licking his way up to the Fox's ear. "*Please*."

"Maybe."

Alex slid off the table and wrapped himself around his partner, grinding their hips together. "Do me..." He let out a sharp gasp as Mulder suddenly spun him around. The older man grasped the end of the necktie, winding it around his hand, until he held it snugly to the back of Alex's neck.

"Slut." The amused whisper dripped like honey from Fox's lips.

"Is it going to get me what I want?"

"And then some."

Alex groaned at the feel of his lover's lips traveling up the side of his neck. Mulder held the necktie taut with one hand, as the other crept up and down his chest. Over and over Mulder's fingers skimmed his nipples, teasing them for just a moment, then flitted away. Alex twisted within his lover's grasp, his moans becoming increasingly anguished.

"Good?" Mulder plucked at one nipple, pulling a strangled cry from his captive.

Alex drew a gasping breath and nodded.

"Remember what I promised you this morning?"

"Yesss."

Mulder walked him over to the nearest chair and pushed him to his knees in front of it. "It's payback time." He loosened his hold on the tie and slipped it over Alex's head and off. He grabbed both of the younger man's wrists, wrenching his hands behind his back and securing them together with the knotted tie.

The blood thundered through Alex's body as he was pushed down over the seat. He closed his eyes and made a conscious effort to try to control his ragged breathing as Mulder ran a hand lightly, over his back.

"Comfy?"

"Oh, yeah. This is great, thanks."

"Do I detect a note of sarcasm in your tone?"

"Nooo."

Mulder removed his hand and pulled another chair up. He lowered himself into it and studied the man in front of him.

Alex opened his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Just admiring the scenery."

"The *scenery* would like to make a request."

Mulder tilted his head in curiosity.

"It's one very simple request."

"I'm listening."

"Fuck me!"

Mulder leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. "You've got some damn nerve, you that? How long did I beg *you*, last night?"

"I don't know, I wasn't keeping time."

Mulder dropped to his knees beside Alex's head. He brought his face down to the one resting on the chair and whispered into the exposed ear. "I was."

Alex whimpered softly.

"And now you're going to pay me back with interest."

"Come on, Fox..."

"You were looking forward to it, this morning. What happened?"

"Can't a guy change his mind?"

Mulder's tongue inched out, tickling the sensitive interior of Alex's ear. "Sure. But that doesn't mean that *another* guy is obligated to listen." He smiled to himself, listening to the sound that came out of Alex, undecided on whether it was a laugh or a sob. Maybe both. "So. What have you got for dessert?"

Alex wiggled his ass. "It's right here. Come and get it."

Mulder moved around to the rear, investigating Alex's offering. "Mmm. Looks good." He snapped his fingers. "You know, I just had a thought..."

"Should I be scared?"

"I don't think so...do we have any ice cream?"

"Uh. No."

"You didn't sound very convincing."

"No...really...no ice cream."

"Think I'll go check for myself." Mulder rose to leave the room but before he got to the door, he stopped. Doubling back, he freed Alex's hands, only to tie them in front of him, to the leg of the chair. "You stay put, now."

"Oh, like I've got a choice?"

The older man planted an affectionate peck on his cheek, then left the room. What seemed like an eternity later, he was back.

"Allllleeex..."

Alex gritted his teeth and squinted. "Yeah?"

"I thought you said we didn't have any ice cream?"

"Is that what you said?" *I* thought you said, iced *tea*. Cause see, we're out of *that*. I gotta remember to put it on my shopping...Ow! Hey!" Alex winced at the stinging slap delivered to his right ass cheek.

"Shame on you. Lying to me..."

Another slap. This time, across the left cheek. Alex's body jumped and his cock throbbed in response.

Mulder smiled at the low, frustrated growl. "That turn you on?"

"No."

"*Another* lie..."

Another slap.

Another moan. This one, louder than the last.

"You'll be really pissed in the morning, if you come all over the carpet," Mulder warned.

"I can't think that...that far...ahead."

"Ohhh...poor Lexei. Let me cool you off a little."

"Shit!" Alex's muscles seized, as his lover rubbed a spoonful of ice cream over his ass.

"Relax, babe. Enjoy it. Isn't it soothing?"

"S-soothing? It stings!"

"It won't in a minute. Oops, it's starting to run..." Mulder got on his knees behind Alex and licked the dripping ice cream off of his skin.

"God...oh God...Fox..."

"Mmmm." Mulder ignored him and spread more ice cream over him, this time, working the spoon into the crevice of his ass.

"*Christ*! Watch it with that thing, would you? You're in sensitive territory, there!"

Mulder's only response was a soft, nasty chuckle.

"I *really* think you're enjoying this a little too much," Alex hissed into the seat cushion.

Mulder observed the intermittent jerk of the younger man's hips. "No more than you are." The spoon moved in an upward direction, then away. Mulder discarded the utensil, then laid his tongue flat against the smooth flesh, and began to lick the thin layer of sticky sweetness away. Alex clenched his teeth together so tightly, his jaw was beginning to ache. Mulder worked slowly, savoring every twitch, every muffled groan. When every last visible bit of ice cream was gone, he gently spread Alex's cheeks and returned to his task. Alex jerked against his mouth, a loud roar breaking from his constricted throat. Mulder cleaned him thoroughly, taking extra care to tease the small opening, which prompted a long stream of curses to pour from the younger man's mouth. Mulder lifted his head and leaned over Alex, pressing his chest to the perspiration dampened back. He rocked his hips against his lover's ass, taking his torment a notch higher. "Such profanity. I can't believe I let you kiss me with that mouth...and *other* things..."

"It's cause I'm just so *fucking* good..."

Mulder reached down, untying Alex's hands and pulled them both into an upright, kneeling position. His hands wandered over the body in front of him, intentionally ignoring that one thing that was begging for his attention. "Very true. Why don't you show me *how* good..." He rose to his feet and walked around the kneeling man, coming to a halt, in front of him.

Alex looked up at his still, fully clothed lover. His hands slowly rose up the backs of Fox's thighs and over the curve of his ass. Pressing his hands there, he leaned in and rubbed his cheek against the rock-hard bulge. Heard the soft hiss of breath, and tipped his head to the right, closing his teeth over the restrained shaft, and pulling gently.

Fox's fingers plunged into the dark hair, closing around the silky strands. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensations a while longer, before Alex released him and reached for his belt. He opened his eyes and looked down to find his lover looking up at him through the thick fringe of his lashes. He touched one hand to Alex's cheek, sliding his thumb back and forth, across the smooth skin.

The kneeling man turned his face into the touch, hungrily licking at Fox's palm. Once he had the belt undone, he made quick work of the rest, pulling the garments off of Fox's lower body. Fox favored him with those looks that would drop most women and quite a few men where they stood, and began unbuttoning his own shirt, as Alex wrapped his mouth around the head of his cock.

"Oh *God*," Fox whispered, tilting his head back, as Alex proceeded to tease him mercilessly. "Easy, baby. Easy..." He struggled to get his respiration under control as his lover's mouth slid delicately, up and down on his cock. He shook his head and pulled Alex away by his hair. "I can't," he panted.

Alex smirked up at him. "I was barely touching you."

"I know, but...I couldn't. I couldn't even take *that*."

"Well then..." Alex risked a soft kiss on the weeping tip. "You're ready to explode....*I'm* ready to explode...what do you say we do it together? *Now*."

Mulder studied Alex for all of ten seconds, before he pulled the younger man to his feet and hauled him out of the dining room and into the bedroom. He practically threw Alex down onto the bed, before spinning him onto his stomach and shoving a couple of pillows under his hips.

Alex shook with anticipation, as Fox jerked the nightstand drawer open and reached for the lube. Hastily slathering his cock with the gel, he draped himself over Alex's back and worked a slick finger into his ass. Alex whimpered softly and pushed back against the probing finger.

"Fox...please..."

"I know, baby. Hang on." Fox added a second finger, adequately stretching his lover, then removed them, leaving Alex twisting in agony. He emitted a shaky laugh, gripping Alex's hip with one hand. "Hold still, will you?" His other hand grasped his cock by the base, guiding it, slowly thrusting into the man beneath him.

Alex clutched at the sheets, pulling them away from the mattress and burying his face in the pale yellow material that was gathering in a heap, by his head. His muffled cries prompted increased movement from Fox, who had now given up any thoughts he may have entertained about dragging this out a minute longer.

"Oh, yeah..." Fox grunted into Alex's ear, squeezing a hand between his lover's hips and the pillows, to take hold of his cock.

He rocked forcefully against Alex, increasing the tension, and jerked the cock in his hand faster, trying awkwardly, to match the speed of his thrusts. "I'm...oh...Jesus..." Fox pressed his face into the side of the younger man's neck, groaning loudly, as he spent himself inside of his lover. Alex came seconds later, screaming into the sheets and coating Fox's hand and the pillow with warm, slick fluid.

They lay joined together, struggling for each breath. Fox moved first, inclining his head to kiss Alex's shoulder. He licked his lips, then his lover's shoulder, enjoying the salty sweet taste.

Alex moaned, then shifted as much as the weight pressing down on him would allow.

Fox kissed him once more, then gently disengaged himself, drawing another moan, this time, one of protest.

"Now my back is cold," Alex grumbled at the man who had just dropped onto his back, beside him.

Fox snickered softly and pulled himself up, covering Alex's back with his chest. "Okay?"

Alex snuggled happily into the sheets. "Mmm hmm."

The two men lay quietly together, content with the silence for a while. Then Fox spoke up.

"Sleepy?"

"Thought I would be, but no. You?"

"No." He eased himself off of Alex and waited, while the younger man flipped over and propped himself against the pillows, tossing the soiled one onto the floor. Alex spread his legs, pulling Fox between them. The older man backed himself against Alex's chest, sighing contentedly, as a pair of warm arms came around him. He entwined the fingers of one hand with Alex's, and brought the hand up to his lips.

Alex nuzzled the side of Fox's head and whispered against it. "I can't tell you how happy I am to be here with you like this, and how scared I'd been that I might never be, again."

"I know. Me too." Fox held on to Alex's hand, bringing his arm back down, across his chest. "I hated sleeping alone in this bed."

Alex nodded in agreement. "I couldn't stand it. That's why, after that first night, I moved to the guest room."

Fox tipped his head up so that their eyes met. "Do you sleep there when I'm away?"

"No. It's different, then. You know...there's nothing wrong, you're coming back. It's comforting to sleep on your side of the bed with your pillows. But knowing that we were in the same house and you didn't *want* to be with me..it was just too much to take."

"I'm sorry." Fox reached up, cupping the back of Alex's head. "That was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I tortured us both, needlessly."

Alex tightened his arm around his lover's chest. "Hey, I was driving you crazy. I'm shocked that you were able to put up with it for as long as you did..."

"What happened, Alex? Can you explain it to me? I'm not pushing for answers that you may not have, I just want to understand as much as I can."

"Sorry, it's not going to be much. I just know that I was fine, until you mentioned the name Mark Richardson. The jealousy overwhelmed me. I can't explain it. I *knew* him and I knew what he'd be up to. And I *knew* I should have trusted you, I had no reason *not* to, but I couldn't help myself. And I could feel the anger. I wanted to kill him. That's no exaggeration, Fox. I had to fight every instinct I had, to keep from whacking the guy. I hadn't had a thought like that in ages. But it cropped up," He snapped his fingers. "just like that. I pushed the anger as far away as I could. I didn't want to be who I could feel myself becoming...I didn't want to be who I used to be. But every time his name was mentioned. Every time something happened that involved him, I felt myself slipping another notch." Alex rubbed his cheek into the golden-brown silk under his chin. "I uh...I never told you or Scully but...I went looking for Richardson, after I left her place that day. I wanted to kill him in the worst way. I didn't find him of course, which is a good thing, for him. And me, I guess. And you." Alex sighed. "I could've screwed up the rest of our lives, if I had."

Mulder said nothing. He rubbed Alex's arm, soothing the younger man, and let him continue.

"I just came home, after I couldn't find him. I don't even know how I got back here. The thought kept running through my mind, that wherever he was, you were with him. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to kill *him*, that much was clear. But as far as you were concerned...everything was a blur. I was so confused...when Scully came over to talk to me, I was a mess. I'd worked myself into such a state. But she kept talking to me and some of the sense she was making, managed to make it through the rage and I started to see a way out of the place I really didn't want to be in, in the first place. She helped me clean up the mess in the garden and convinced me to go back to her place and talk to you. When we got there, and you were gone, something inside of me, snapped. Again, she tried to tell me that everything would be fine and that you were probably home, waiting for *me*, but I couldn't believe that, a second time. I told her I'd go home, but getting Richardson was the only thing I could think about doing. I kept seeing these images of him touching *my* Fox. Doing things to you only *I* should do..." Alex's eyes misted. "And I couldn't stand it. When you walked in and found me sitting in the living room, I'd already had myself convinced that you were there to tell me that we were done. Needless to say, it surprised me to hear what you *did* have to say."

"And you believed me..."

"Yeah. Well, it occurred to me that it would be very easy to check out your injured hand story and you'd know that, so why would you lie about it, you know? And then the guilt came sweeping in. And all of a sudden I couldn't look at you. I couldn't stay, knowing what I'd done. I felt lower than dirt. Like I used to feel, before. And the scum that I was before, wasn't good enough to be near you. Not nearly good enough..."

Fox turned onto his side and pulled Alex's head down for a soft kiss. It said all it needed to say. The younger man continued.

"Yet, I needed you. I was so screwed up. I felt I had to leave, but I *wanted* to stay and when you stopped me from packing my bags and told me you loved me...after all that had happened, it just ripped me in two. I *really* hated myself, then. And every time you touched me and I accepted the pleasure, I felt like I was taking something that wasn't rightfully mine. Like I was stealing. And I hated myself some more. I had to try to fix it. To replace what I'd taken from you, and then I started to *over*compensate, I guess, for my failings. *That* started to piss you off and I didn't know which way was up. I lost sight of myself. I didn't know where I belonged in your life anymore, if *anywhere*, until last night."

"Why did last night change things?"

"I was feeling useless. Like a contemptible piece of shit, you'd just scraped off your shoe. I was sure that it was just a matter of time until you'd realized what I already had. That I was just in the way, and we'd be history. Then last night...you needed me. And there was no time to think about all that had happened or the consequences for what *could* happen. All of a sudden, I was *me*, again. Not the cold-hearted assassin of the past, not the jealous, pathetic, insecure jerk, I had become. I was the man you trusted and loved. The *real* Alex...holding you and making you believe that everything was okay. You put yourself in my hands. You trusted me to make it all right and that trust restored my strength and my identity."

Fox kissed the base of Alex's throat. "I'm so glad you're back. I *missed* you."

Alex hugged Fox to him and nodded silently.

"Promise you won't disappear on me like that, again?"

"I promise."

Fox curled up against Alex's chest. "And listen, if you want to punch me for all that stuff I said to you..."

"No. It hurt like hell Fox, but I know that you were desperate."

"Still. I'm so sorry. I love you, Lexei and I never should have let myself blow up like that."

"It's all right," Alex whispered. "Let's just start over, okay?"

Fox tilted his head, looking Alex in the eye. "Okay."

The younger man slipped a hand through Fox's hair and his head descended for a long, tender kiss. When he pulled away, he smiled down into sparkling hazel eyes. "I've got something I want to show you."

Fox chuckled softly. "I've seen it, but I'll be happy to take another look..."

"Anybody ever tell you, you've got a dirty mind?"

Fox recoiled in mock astonishment. "*Never*."

"Very convincing. Do yourself a favor, okay? "Don't quit your day job."

Fox flipped himself back into his original position, resting his back against Alex's chest. "So, what do you want to show me?"

Alex reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a rather battered looking, black leather bound book. He lowered the book onto Fox's thigh, laying his hand on top of it.

Fox placed his hand over Alex's and looked down at the book. "What's this?"

"It's a journal. I started it the night I came to you with the offer to help."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I wanted some kind of documentation. Some way to keep everything straight. And in case something happened to me, you'd have it as a point of reference. Someplace to go, if you needed to." Alex smiled into his lover's hair. But somehow, it wound up being something more. I wrote in it almost every day, until shortly after we got together."

"Where've you kept it all this time?"

"I went to Byers and told him about it. Told him that it was in a fireproof box, under the fifteenth floorboard in the living room in my apartment and made him promise never to tell you about it, unless I was dead. When we moved in together, I gave it to him and held him to the same promise."

"How come it's taken you almost two years to show it to me?"

"I don't know."

"What made you decide to show it to me, now?"

Alex shrugged. "I just thought...I just...it's part of me. And you should know. I never let you in on my thought processes, how I came to the decisions that I had...how and why I felt the things I felt during that time, and since all this confusion, I thought maybe somehow, it might help to...I don't know. Maybe there could be something in there...understanding...validation." He dropped his forehead into Fox's hair and heaved a deep breath. "Just...read it, would you?"

Fox rubbed the back of Alex's hand, making no move to pick the book up.

Alex waited, anxiety slowly creeping in.

"Fox?"

The older man turned his eyes up to meet his lover's. His soft smile eased the apprehension.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"For finally giving me every last little bit of yourself." Alex looked from his lover, to the journal, then back again. "Is that what I did?"

The smile broadened. "Yeah." Fox lifted the journal and set it down a few inches away. "Can this wait for just a little while?"

"Yeah, I guess...why?"

Fox turned, pushing Alex down onto his back. "I really want to read your thoughts and I will, but right now, there's something I want even more..."

Alex giggled softly as he clamped his arms around his lover, dragging him down on top of his quickly hardening body. "Fudge ripple?"

END

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