The next several days brought no more pain for Fox, but there were no signs of his returning memory either. He did suffer one minor headache, but that was after a lengthy history session. Some Motrin, a couple of hours of rest in his darkened bedroom, and he was fine.

Alex continued to display unlimited patience and concern, and things seemed to be going well. But when night came and Fox retreated to the bedroom leaving Alex to the sofa, the reality of just how far apart they still were settled in over the younger man like a metal casket lid.

Night after night he lay alone, dreaming of the day when Fox would know him and accept him back into his heart and his bed. Night after night he'd take refuge in his own memories, recalling the love and unquenchable passion they had shared.

Tonight he lay sprawled on the sofa as usual, light from the t.v. flickering over his body, immersed in his fantasies. His hands wandered over his body, imagining that they were the hands of his Fox, stroking and caressing him, slowly driving him to that sweet madness the way only Fox could do.

"Baby," he whispered roughly into the darkness. "Oh, God, I need you so much..."

One hand slid up and over his throat and chin, pausing as he licked at his own fingers, then his hand continued up, sliding through his hair and down the side of his neck. His hand traveled down to his chest, brushing and plucking at one hard nipple while the other stroked the sensitive insides of his thighs.

"Too long," he whimpered. "Please, baby, it's been too long..."

His hand inched higher, cupping the sac that hung just beneath his throbbing cock, caressing the fragile skin gently. He breathed deeply, trying to maintain his control, but it was quickly slipping beyond his grasp. He whimpered softly as his fingers curled around the base of his cock, and he began to squeeze in a gentle rhythm. His breaths came in short, soft gasps, the sound of his lover's name being carried on each one...

********************

Fox rolled from one side of the bed to the other, awake and restless, for what reason he did not know.  He only remembered opening his eyes over half an hour ago, trembling and tense. He almost called to Alex but decided to keep silent. The other man had been so good to him, so patient and kind. He hated to take advantage of that. He had to stop depending on Alex for every little thing and learn to take care of himself.

He lay there, staring up at the darkness when a sound, almost inaudible, caught his ear. He listened for a few seconds more, and though he heard nothing, he decided to get up and check.

Quietly, he crept to the doorway, afraid of waking Alex, and he froze.

There, bathed in bluish light, writhing on the sofa as he stroked and caressed himself, was Alex.

Fox watched entranced as the man's muscles rippled and flowed under his touch. Perfectly proportioned and powerfully built, he was absolutely beautiful. God, how could he not remember, how could he not...

One hand skimmed and pinched Alex's nipples as the other slowly and lovingly milked his cock. His head tossed from side to side as he felt the pressure build, and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. He increased the speed of his strokes, and a long hiss rose into the air.

Fox covered his mouth to keep himself from whimpering as he watched Alex jerk himself to completion, his cries muffled in the softness of his pillow. When he was done, the younger man turned his head so that he was facing the ceiling, and a barely audible sob escaped his lips.

"Fox..."

Fox's heart pounded painfully in his chest as he watched the man he owed his life to curl into a miserable ball, lying quiet and still.

He didn't know how long he stood there, but it was only after the soft sounds of sleep had reached his ears that Fox returned to his bed, mimicking Alex's position.

Only sleep hadn't been as merciful to him as it had to Alex. He lay awake well into the light hours of the morning, finally dozing off just before eight.

At eight-thirty, Alex crept into the room, smiling down at the sleeping man.

God, he hated to wake him, but Scully *had* arranged for him to visit the Hoover Building today, and after many refusals, Fox could no longer blow her off.

When he finally agreed two days ago, he looked hopefully to Alex and asked if he would accompany them. The look of disappointment in his eyes when Alex gently declined broke the younger man's heart, but for reasons he would just have to make Fox understand, he couldn't go with him.

He'd be okay, he told himself as he watched Fox mope around the apartment that night. After all, he'd be with Scully, and she'd never let anything happen to upset him...

"Fox." He touched the older man's cheek, removing his hand the moment the other man began to stir. "Time to get up."

Eyes still closed, Fox frowned into this pillow, moaning softly.

"Come on, Fox; Scully'll be here in about an hour."

Fox sat up, rubbing at his eyes. They felt like someone had thrown sand in them. He blinked up at Alex, letting the younger man see how red and swollen they were.

"God, you look terrible. Didn't you sleep?"

"A little."

"Another headache?"

"No. Just couldn't sleep."

Alex studied the other man for a moment, then reached for the phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling Scully. You can do this another time."

"No, it's okay. I'd rather just get it over with."

Alex dropped his hand to his lap but retained his grip on the phone. "You're exhausted. There's no reason you have to do this *today*."

"No, I want to. I've been putting her off for over a week now. I gotta do it sometime. I'd really prefer it to be now."

"You sure?"

Fox sat staring into Alex's face, remembering the cause for the previous night's insomnia. Unconsciously, he drew a corner of his lower lip into his mouth, chewing at the flesh.

Alex caught his breath and watched the gesture that never failed to arouse him. He forced his eyes back up to Fox's, catching the look of mixed emotion that swirled within the amber of his eyes.

"Yeah," Fox rasped, moving away and out of bed. "Yeah, I'm sure. I'd better go shower." He attempted to shake off the remnants of his too-brief slumber and walked to the bathroom, leaving Alex sitting on the bed, confused and concerned.

Fox returned to the bedroom minutes later, body dry, hair still damp, and wrapped in a towel. He stopped short and watched uncertainly from the doorway as Alex moved around the bedroom, laying out his clothes for him. As he stood trying to decide whether or not to turn around and go back to the bathroom till Alex left, the other man looked up and gave him a hint of a smile.

"Got your clothes all ready."

Hazel eyes slid away. "Thanks."

"I'll uh...I'll go get breakfast ready."

Alex brushed past the older man, the intoxicating scent of shampoo and damp Fox invading his nostrils as he moved.

Fox stood quietly until he heard the door close, then he walked over to the clothing laid out neatly on his bed. He let his hand drift over the navy blue suit and sighed. This would be the first time since coming to this apartment that he had put on anything other than comfortable jeans and shirts.

He unwrapped the towel, dropping it onto the bed and began to dress. He pulled the t-shirt on over his head then wrestled the white boxer-briefs over the erection that begun to blossom when he walked in practically naked and found Alex in the bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he pulled on the navy socks, trying to block out images of Alex on the sofa, stroking his cock and whimpering his name, but the thought would not let him be.

It wasn't fair. The man was suffering. He'd been through so much hell in the last couple of weeks. From thinking at first that Fox was dead to finding out that he was alive but had absolutely no memory of him or the love that they'd shared...having to live day after day in such close quarters and never submitting to the desires Fox knew he felt...

Fox drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as he rose and pulled his pants on, then his shirt, fingers moving slowly over the buttons.

When he was fully dressed, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror.

The suit looked alien to him, but no more, he supposed, than anything else in his life. He tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling for a moment, then composed himself and walked out into the kitchen.

The appreciative smile on the face of the other man comforted him a bit as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

"You look great," Alex murmured as he placed a hard boiled egg and a couple of slices of bacon in front of Fox.

"Thank you. I...I feel kind of funny, though."

Anxiety washed Alex's features. "You mean, sick?"

"No. No, just...weird. This is how I always dress?"

"When you're working, it is."

Fox shrugged and bit into his bacon. Alex took the seat across from him, and the two ate in virtual silence until the ringing buzzer drew their attention.

"She's early," Alex commented as he pushed himself away from the table and walked out to let Scully in. Fox took another sip of his coffee, hesitated for a few seconds, then followed the younger man, already finding Scully standing in the dining room talking with Alex.

Blue eyes lit up as Scully looked up at her partner.

"Mulder! It's you!"

Fox shrugged. "If you say so."

"You ready to go?"

"I suppose." Fox looked to Alex, who stood by, quietly watching the exchange. He approached slowly and stood close enough that Alex could feel the warm fan of his breath on his face. "See you later?"

Alex cocked his head, listening curiously to the question in Fox's voice. "Of course."

Fox nodded, timidly raising one hand and letting his fingertips stroke a few inches of Alex's chest before he turned away and headed to the door.

Alex stared after him, shaken by the tiny gesture. He took an unsteady breath and called to Scully before she could close the door.

Scully looked to the man who was already in the hall. "I'll be there in a sec, Mulder. Why don't you get the elevator?" She took one step into the apartment, waiting to hear what Alex wanted to say.

"He...he said he didn't sleep very well last night..."

Scully smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, I'll bring him back safe and sound."

Alex nodded and let her leave. When the door closed, he walked into the kitchen to clear the table, his mind going in a hundred different directions.

That was the first time since he'd found Fox that the older man had touched him in such an intimate manner. There were certainly *more* intimate ways to touch him than a light caress to his chest, but it was a combination of Fox's touch, his proximity, and the look in his eyes that led Alex to believe that there might be more meaning behind it than just a need for reassurance.

He sighed heavily as he collected the plates.

//Don't go reading stuff into a simple touch. And even if he *did* mean something by it, what point is there? He doesn't know you.//

He stopped halfway to the dishwasher and tilted his head up, breathing deeply to try and quell the sickening thud of his heart.

//God, he doesn't know you.//

********************

Fox sat in the car, staring out the window, feeling more and more apprehensive the farther Scully drove him from his apartment. He shifted uneasily in the passenger's seat, trying to listen to Scully as she spoke.

"Skinner was glad to hear that you were coming in today."

"I haven't seen him since I got home."

"He didn't want to bother you. He knew you needed to rest."

"...Alex told me about him."

Scully's head snapped around in Fox's direction, and for the first time his eyes left the window.

"And you."

The red-head blew out a long breath. "Well...it's part of our history..." She gave him a hopeful glance. "If Alex told you everything, Mulder, you know that your happiness is my main concern...and Skinner's. And you're happy with Alex. We know that and we both accept it."

Fox lowered his eyes to his lap.

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"I know that look, Mulder. It isn't nothing. Now, tell me."

Fox shook his head. "I told you, it's nothing."

"Okay, fine. I won't push. But, please. If there's something you feel you can't talk about with Alex, but you want to get it off your chest, know that you can come to me. You always did."

"Thanks."

Scully waited a few more minutes, hoping her partner would change his mind, but he fell silent and spoke not another word until they reached downtown.

"That's it," Scully pointed to the Hoover Building as she rounded the corner and pulled into the parking garage. The guard at the entrance smiled at Scully, then at Fox.

"Agent Mulder. Damn glad to see you."

Fox nodded but said nothing.

Scully returned the middle-aged man's smile. "Thanks, Mick. See you later."

They pulled into Scully's designated spot and exited the car, Fox following a few steps behind as they walked toward the elevators. They got into the empty car and Scully pushed the button for Skinner's floor. Before they could reach their destination, the elevator stopped and three people got on, all of whom recognized Fox as the agent who had recently come back from the dead. Not knowing him well enough for more, they all offered a polite welcome back then turned to face front.

Fox looked over to Scully, who offered him a quick smile, then turned away, losing himself in his own thoughts.

The doors opened, and Scully nudged him, coaxing him to step through the small group and out onto the floor. The moment he did, two people stopped and detoured in his direction, each grabbing his hand and shaking it vigorously. Others noticed, and soon a large group had flocked around him, shouting words of welcome and slapping him on the back. He looked around dazedly, from one strange face to another, wishing with all his heart that he was back in the security of his apartment with the only person he truly felt safe with.

"Okay, everybody, okay," Scully's voice cut through the clamor. "Agent Mulder appreciates your good wishes, but can you all just back off a bit and give him some air?"

Slowly, the crowd of well wishers and curiosity seekers backed away and allowed them to move forward. Before they could reach Skinner's office, the door jerked open and the A.D. stalked into the hall to see what all the commotion was about. The stern expression softened when he saw Scully moving toward him with Fox in tow.

"You made it."

"Finally," Scully beamed up at him.

Sharp brown eyes assessed the man standing quietly before him. "Good to see you, Agent Mulder. You're looking well."

Fox's gaze skipped around, looking at everything but Skinner. "Thanks...Alex has been taking very good care of me."

He didn't know why he said it; he just felt a need to.

"I knew he would." Skinner's gaze dropped to the carpet, and he stepped aside, allowing the agents to enter. "How do you feel?"

"Okay," Fox answered softly, looking around the room, trying to get some sense of familiarity.

The A.D. leaned against his desk and watched the other man intently. "So, what are your plans for the day?"

"Well," Scully answered, "we have to go down and get him a new ID, then I thought I'd take him on a quick tour of his favorite haunts. The forensics lab, Requisitions, Ballistics..."

Skinner gave her a ghost of a grin. "Saving the office for last?"

"Yeah, since that's where we'll probably be spending the most time."

Fox only half listened to the conversation, noting how the two discussed him as though he wasn't there.

"I would have called you, Mulder, or stopped by, but I figured that the less distraction you had, the better."

Fox nodded absently, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Have you been able to recall anything at all?"

"No."

"Well, don't sweat it. It's probably just too soon. Maybe the more of your routine that you fall into, the better it'll be for you."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Well," Scully broke in, disrupting the awkward silence, "we've got places to go and people to see. Ready, Mulder?"

"Yeah."

Scully shot the A.D. an apologetic glance and ushered Fox back into the hall.

All at once, Fox wished he was back in Skinner's office as more people accosted him. As they made their way to the elevators, the faces and voices around Fox blurred and blended until they became nothing more than smears of color and a loud hum.

Thousands of bugs swarmed the inside of a compartment...some sort of vehicle, then disappeared from Fox's mind's eye as a flash of blinding pain hit him.

"Mulder? Mulder!" Scully shoved aside the few people who were still hovering around them and grasped her partner's biceps. "Mulder, talk to me. What is it?"

Fox grimaced, bringing his fingers to his temples.

Scully threw open the door that they stood directly in front of, apologized to A.D. Fisher's secretary for the intrusion, and guided Fox down onto the small sofa against the wall.

"Mulder..."

"Bugs."

"What? Bugs?"

Fox nodded, taking a few slow, deep breaths.

"What about bugs?"

"Tons...tons of bugs. All around. Inside a car..."

"Oh, Mulder," Scully murmured, smoothing her hand across the lines in her partner's forehead. "I think it's starting."

"What?"

"That thing about the bugs. It sounds like a memory."

Fox blinked up at her. "That happened?"

"Yes. Years ago. How's the pain?"

"Subsiding."

"You want to go home?"

Yes. God, yes, he wanted to go home...

"No."

//*No*?//

"We can do this some other time."

"No. I'm here. Let's get it over with."

"Mulder, Alex will *kill* me if I bring you back all wrecked."

"I'm fine," Fox protested, trying to rise to his feet, but Scully held him down.

"Same stubborn son of a..."

"What's going on?"

Scully looked up in the direction of Skinner's voice.

Skinner noted the surprised expression and explained his presence.

"Agent Pierce was in the hallway when Mulder collapsed. He came to tell me."

"He didn't *collapse*. He's experiencing some pain in his head."

"Well, what's wrong with him?"

"The pain occurs in conjunction with what I believe to be flashes of memory..."

"But he said he hadn't remembered anything..."

Fox looked from Skinner to Scully and back again until his head started to spin.

"Stop!"

The two fell silent, staring in surprise at the agitated man.

Fox leapt to his feet. "Just shut up, the both of you!"

"Mulder..."

"You're talking about me like I'm not even here! You did the same damn thing in his office. I'm right here! I may be confused, but I'm not stupid!"

"Mulder, we're sorry," Skinner apologized softly before Scully could say anything. "Why don't you go home? Get some rest..."

"All I've *done* is rest. And what has it gotten me? The sound of some blast? The memory of a few bugs? Is that the shit I'm going to remember?"

"It's a *start*, Mulder. You have to be patient," Scully told him calmly.

"I've *been* patient," Fox moaned as his anger deflated.

"I know." Scully stroked the hair back from his forehead. "I know you have. But you have to continue to be. This could take some time."

"Or that could be it," Fox whispered. "Maybe I've remembered all I'm going to."

"Don't think that way."

"How do we know?"

"Exactly," Scully pointed out. "We *don't* know. We don't know that any more will come to you, and we don't know that it *won't*. Now, come on. You've got to keep positive."

Fox ran a hand over his face and gazed wearily at the two before him. "I'm sorry, I..."

"It's all right," Skinner reassured him, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You go get some rest. You can come back another day...as many times as you want to till you acquaint yourself with the building..."

"No, I want to do it today."

Scully looked from Fox to Skinner, shaking her head. "This is where you came in. He insists on doing this today."

"All right," Skinner agreed grudgingly. "But if you start feeling worse, I want you to go home. Krycek'll have our heads if he doesn't get you back in the same condition you left in."

Fox nodded his agreement, and the three walked out together, separating in the hall. Fox and Scully made it to the ID room with a minimum of fuss, encountering only a few acquaintances along the way, but once they got inside, it was a different story. Once again they were descended upon, Fox doing his best to remain pleasant as he was patted, and welcomed, and questioned.

And so it went.

Everywhere they went, the same scenario with different strange faces played out, and by the time they'd finally made it to the basement, Scully could see the weariness in her partner's face. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping aside to allow Fox to enter first.

Fox walked in slowly, taking in all the equipment and file cabinets. He stopped in front of his desk and lifted the plaque that bore his name. He brushed his fingers across the letters then set the plaque down. His attention drifted to the wall to the side of his desk, and he walked toward it, eyes flitting from one item to another. He turned from the vast collage of pictures, articles and posters, and stared at Scully.

"Am I some kind of nut?"

Scully broke into laughter. "I've been asking that question for years." Noting her partner's confused stare, Scully erased the grin from her face. "Didn't Alex tell you what you did?"

"Yeah, but," Fox stammered, "I...I didn't know I was as deep into it as it looks like I am."

"It was your whole life, Mulder."

"Was?"

"Before Alex. Now the X-files take second priority."

"They do?"

"Yeah. Nothing comes before Alex."

Fox sat down on the desk, eyes cast to the floor. "Nothing?"

"Absolutely nothing. He owns your heart, Mulder. As you own his. I guess you haven't found that out yet?"

"He's...he's been so good to me. So attentive and gentle..."

Scully gave him a understanding smile. "So...nothing has...*happened*."

Fox understood the woman's meaning, and his silence was her answer.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He looked up into sincere, blue eyes. "What?"

"Have you given it any thought at all?"

Fox's eyes slid away. "Thought?"

"Yeah, Mulder. I saw the way you touched him this morning. I know the attraction is still there....Mulder?" Scully heaved a long sigh, taking the man's silence as an unwillingness to discuss that particular subject.  She had no idea that he was just as confused about his and Alex's sexual relationship or lack thereof, as he was about everything else in his life.

Scully dropped the subject and began pointing out a few prominent files and articles, giving Fox the short version of each corresponding case, and before they knew it, it was almost four o'clock.

"Damn," she cursed, looking at her watch. "We should've gone a couple of hours ago. I'm surprised Alex hasn't called me."

Fox shuffled through the files he had laid out across his desk, not giving any indication that he'd heard her.

"Mulder," Scully called, snapping her fingers only a few inches from his face. "Come on. It's late and you're exhausted. Your eyes are all dark underneath. Have you got a headache?"

"Little bit."

"It's more than a little bit, I think. You didn't even hear me when I was talking to you a second ago. Come on, let's go."

They left the office and made their way down to Scully's car without any major hassles, and once Fox was settled into the passenger's seat, Scully drove out of the parking garage and into the bright, late afternoon sunlight.

"Shit."

"The light hurt your eyes, Mulder?"

Fox nodded, closing his eyes and turning his face.

"Damn, and I don't have my sunglasses with me." Scully pulled the passenger's side visor down, but the sun was too low in the sky for it to be of much good. "Sorry, Mulder. It's going to be a while before we get out of this direct glare."

"S'okay," Fox croaked, slipping out of his coat and pulling it up over his face.

Silence prevailed on the remainder of the trip to Alexandria, and when they finally reached Fox's apartment, Scully had to practically drag the fatigued man up to the fourth floor. Before she could ask him for his key, the door flew open, and wild, green eyes quickly surveyed the scene. He looked from the man who was practically out on his feet to the woman he had trusted to make sure Fox didn't come home this way.

"What the hell happened?"

Scully winced at the hissed question that was also an accusation. "Alex...calm down."

"Calm down? *Look* at him." He cast Scully harsh stare and slipped an arm around Fox's waist. "Come on," he instructed softly as he moved Fox into the apartment and straight through to the bedroom. The older man sat quietly, attempting to help when Alex began removing his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. Once Fox was stripped down to his underwear, Alex lay him back against the pillows and tucked the sheet up around his chest. "Your head hurt?"

Fox nodded slightly and closed his eyes, sighing with the relief of finally being home.

"Go to sleep," Alex purred, leaning in close to the other man's ear. "You always feel better after you rest."

Scully stood in the doorway, watching Alex tend to his weary lover, a tiny smile gracing her lips. But the smile disappeared when Fox fell asleep and Alex then turned his less than gentle attention on her. He rose from the bed and motioned her out into the living room.

"Now, *what* the hell happened?"

"Alex, Skinner and I both asked him if it might not be a good idea for him to come home. Especially after the attack..."

"*What* attack?"

"Why don't we sit down?"

"I don't want to sit down, Scully," Alex fumed. "I want to know *why* you're so late, *why* he's so tired, and *what* the hell this attack he had was. You were supposed to be there to prevent this shit!"

"You yell a little louder, Alex, and you're going to wake him up."

Alex clasped his hands behind his head and stalked away, spinning on his heel and returning. "Start at the beginning, Scully," he said softly, through gritted teeth, "and don't leave out a thing."
 
Scully lowered herself to the sofa and relayed the events of the day, starting at the beginning and not stopping until she'd reached the very end. When she was through, she looked up expectantly at Alex.

"He...you think he remembered something?"

"It seems that way. Hopefully, this is just the beginning. Unfortunately, if it is, these attacks may become more frequent."

"Isn't there anything we can do? It hurts him so much."

"I know. But short of keeping him doped up, I don't see where there's anything we can do. It's got to run its course."

"*Damn*."

"You're going to have to stay cool, Alex. This might get a lot worse before it gets better."

"I will. But, God, how much worse?"

"I told you that he really let Skinner and me have it in A.D. Fisher's office. He just...blew. Shocked the hell out of us." Scully raised her eyebrows. "I would say that his personality might be getting a little out of whack. You've got to be prepared. He could be prone to some pretty wild mood swings."

Alex nodded his understanding, then apologized. "Sorry I got so bent out of shape."

"It's okay, you were just worried."

"Yeah, I was. You *still* should have brought him home sooner, though."

Scully sighed in exasperation. "How did I know that was coming? Alex, you ever try to *make* Mulder do something he didn't want to do?"

"He didn't want to come home?"

Scully laughed softly. "He didn't want to *leave* home. More to the point, he didn't want to leave *you*." She watched as Alex's gaze dropped to the floor. "But he felt that putting in an appearance at work was something he had to do, and he wanted to get it all over with in one day, so he wouldn't have to go back again. He's confused and uncertain, and here with you is where he feels safe."

Alex blinked. "I...I told you that he seems to associate me with security..."

Scully rolled her eyes, mumbling, "But that's not all it is."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. Look, I'm going to go. I'll give you a call tomorrow. Or you call me if anything happens that I should know about."

"Yeah, all right."

Scully picked herself up off of the sofa and made her way to the door with Alex behind her. "Sorry about keeping him out so long."

Alex nodded then closed the door as Scully walked away. Without delay, he headed directly into the bedroom to check on Fox.

Asleep but not at rest, the older man twitched and shifted, plagued by what dream, Alex didn't know. He sat carefully at the edge of the bed, listening to Fox's uneven respiration and hoping that he would soon settle into a peaceful sleep, when the other man's eyes snapped open and his frightened gaze swept the room, moving past Alex as though he were not even there.

"Fox," Alex called softly, lightly touching his arm. "Fox, look at me. It's Alex. You're home."

Recognition dawned and relief flooded the older man's features. His body slumped against the pillows, and he closed his eyes, drawing deep, steadying breaths.

"What were you dreaming about?"

Fox took a few more breaths before opening his mouth to answer. "People. Hundreds of faces all around me...unrecognizable. And this hum...loud...it hurt my ears. The people kept getting closer...closing in, and I was drowning..."

"You were overwhelmed today," Alex reasoned. "Those people meant well, Fox, but I think it might have been just a little bit much for you all at once like that. Maybe you should have broken your visit up into two or three days."

Fox shook his head.

"Fox," Alex began gently, "you can't just stay holed up here indefinitely. You have to get out sometime." He saw the look of dejection in the other man's eyes and immediately regretted his statement.

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"No. No, of course not. I just mean that you should go out. Get some fresh air...learn to be with other people again."

"I don't know them."

"You didn't know Scully. You didn't know Skinner or me..."

Fox turned onto his side and closed his eyes. "And I still don't."

Alex touched his sheet-covered leg. "What do you mean?"

"I don't *know* you," Fox shouted, jerking himself into a sitting position and startling the younger man. "You're a...a...kind stranger who feeds me, tells me stories about my supposed life...you tuck me in at night, you're right there with me when I'm not well...you're supposed to be the most important thing in my life, and I don't *know* it! I try to remember what it is I felt for you, and I can't!"

"It's all right," Alex whispered, trying to calm the agitated man. "It'll come back to you."

"And what if it doesn't?" Fox continued to rail. "What are *you* going to do?" He bowed his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment before resuming. "Are you going to be happy to spend the rest of your life out there on the couch, jerking off?"

Alex blinked, for a second unable to speak. By the time he was able to compose himself enough to respond, Fox had fallen back to the pillows, hands pressed to his temples.

Pushing his shock aside, Alex raised his hands to the golden-brown head, pushing the older man's hands away. Gently, he massaged Fox's temples, cooing softly to him.

"Easy. Breathe, Fox. Nice and easy...that's it..."

In time, Fox's respiration steadied, and he fell into a heavy sleep. Alex sat watching him, still disturbed by Fox's last words.

//Has he been watching me when I think he's asleep? Jesus. One more thing to screw him up...//

He sighed inwardly, dreading the next time Fox awoke, knowing that they were about to face the question of their sexual relationship head-on.

//God, how the hell should I handle this?//

He leaned forward, brushing a soft kiss against Fox's jaw, and then quietly left the room.

********************

Fox watched from the doorway as Alex, oblivious to his presence, folded and stacked towels in the bathroom. He advanced quietly and slid one hand up the younger man's back.

Alex snapped to attention and spun around, meeting a pair of troubled, hazel eyes.

"God, you scared me."

"Sorry."

"It's okay." Alex shook his head. "People can't usually sneak up on me like that. I guess I must have been pretty deep in thought." He looked at his watch. "You've been asleep for almost three hours. How do you feel?"

"Headache's gone."

"Good. So..." //Ah, shit.// "...why do you look like you've lost your best friend?"

Fox shifted nervously from one foot to the other. "I didn't mean to...I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"Don't worry about it. I know you're just frustrated with your situation."

Fox stood chewing on his lower lip while Alex finished stacking the towels, then...

"Alex?"

The younger man turned to face him. "Yeah?"

"Can we talk some more?"

Alex could read it all over his face. "About what?"

"You and me. The life we had before this happened."

"What...what would you like to know?"

"Everything. You've told me detail by detail about everything else, but you've only ever given me a rough outline on us. I want to know about our day to day life. What our routine is...if we've got one...what we have in common, where we differ..."

//Oh, here it comes...//

Fox's gaze dropped to the piece of floor between them. "...what our sex life is like..."

//Damn, damn, shit, damn.//

"Uh..." Alex stopped to clear his throat. "...okay...how about some dinner, first? You hungry?"

//Good stall.//

"No, I'm not."

//If it had *worked*.//

"Are *you* hungry?"

//Okay, this is just as good.//

"Yeah, actually, I am. I didn't have any lunch."

Fox nodded. "Okay, it can wait until after you eat something."

Alex took as long as he could with dinner, but sooner than he'd wished, he was through, and it was time to face the music.

The two men entered the living room, Alex tucking himself into a corner of the sofa with Fox sitting not more than six inches away. The older man turned sideways, hands folded in his lap, waiting quietly while Alex fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. When he could stall no more, he opened up his mouth to speak.

"I don't know how to start this," Alex explained. "Maybe if you asked me a question..."

Fox nodded. "What's a normal day for us?"

Sable eyebrows arched high. "'Normal' is a tough word for us. We're each away a lot."

"Because of our jobs?"

"Yeah."

"Do we ever travel together?"

Alex gave Fox a quick grin. "Hasn't happened yet. Anyway, uh...there are times when neither of us have got any place to be, so I usually just hang out here while you're at work...cleaning up the mess you'd made while I was gone...I cook, do the laundry and stuff..."

A tiny smile curved Fox's mouth. "A triple agent/homemaker."

Alex returned the grin. "Hey, I like things neat and orderly. Call it a compulsion."

"You said you clean up my messes. Am I a slob, or what?"

"I wouldn't call you a slob, no. You're just not as particular as I am."

"Sounds like you're just trying to be nice."

Alex answered with a soft laugh.

"So, what about after work?"

"Nothing special. We eat...maybe watch t.v...sometimes we discuss your cases...you know, nothing any other couple doesn't do at the end of the day."

"What about time off? Weekends?"

"Sometimes we go out. Sometimes we stay home. We've taken a couple of weekend trips..."

"Where've we gone?"

"We drove down to Rhode Island once. You remember I told you that your parents had a summer place there..."

"Yeah."

"And back in July we flew to Martha's Vineyard."

"Where I lived when I was a kid?"

"Yeah."

"What'd we do?"

A wistful expression covered Alex's face. "We rented a cottage near the beach. You took me on a tour of the island, then we rented a boat and went sailing up around the Cape...spent a little time in P-town." He looked at Fox. "Provincetown. The very tip of Cape Cod. It's beautiful there. Like being at the edge of the world." He inhaled and exhaled slowly. "We did some sightseeing...and God, did we see some sights."

"Like what?"

"P-town is sort of a gathering place for gays. We saw some serious flamers." An easy smile graced the perfectly bowed lips. "That was fun. It was nice, though. It was someplace we could be...ourselves, without having to worry, you know? We could hold hands walking down the street...kiss if we wanted to, and not get any funny looks..."

"What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Kissing me. Do you enjoy it?"

Alex clasped his hands together in an effort to keep Fox from seeing the way they trembled. "Very much," he whispered hoarsely to the floor. "I've never known anyone who kissed the way you do."

Fox fell silent for a minute, observing the mix of discomfort and desire on the younger man's face, then asked another question.

"Do we have sex often?"

"...Yeah."

"What's it like?"

Alex dropped his head, burying his face in his hands. "God..."

Fox waited while Alex took a long breath then released it.

"I...I don't know if I can find the right words...you make my wildest fantasies seem ordinary. Making love with you is an exquisite experience, and every day it just gets better."

Fox inched closer as Alex spoke, letting his hand rest on the other man's knee. "Alex."

Shimmering green eyes turned up to meet his gaze, and suddenly the words that Fox had planned to say left him. His hand crawled up the younger man's leg, and he leaned closer, nuzzling Alex's jaw. Alex's mouth fell open, and a long, soft gasp tumbled out as Fox's lips moved up to settle over his ear.

"Show me, Alex," Fox whispered, his tone pleading, causing the other man to shudder. "I want to know what it's like..."

To know what it's like.

He didn't know. He couldn't remember ever touching Alex; ever kissing him or making love to him. He was a stranger to Fox...

"N-no." Alex gently but firmly grasped Fox by his shoulders and put a few inches distance between them. As he struggled to recover his breath, Fox lowered his head, already taking his rejection in the worst possible way.

"Fox," Alex reached out to lay a comforting hand on the other man's shoulder, but Fox shrank away. "Listen to me. Please, *please* don't think that it's because I don't want you. Christ, nothing could be further from the truth, but you said it yourself. You don't *know* me. I'm a complete stranger to you. I...I couldn't ask you to..."

"You didn't ask." Fox lifted his head, despondent eyes searching the younger man's face. "I offered. I thought you'd be happy."

Alex rose and began to pace slowly, hands clasped to the back of his head. "I appreciate it so much, Fox. I do, but I couldn't let you fall into bed with a man you don't know."

Fox shook his head, not understanding at all. "But...I...I'm getting to know you. You've been so good to me. I believe you are who you tell me you are, and I trust you..."

"Those things are good, Fox, but they aren't enough of a reason." Alex stopped pacing and groaned up at the ceiling. "Oh, *God*, who's saying this?"

Alex returned to the seated man and kneeled in front of him. "Fox...I'm sorry." He tried to smile through his pain. "In a way, it's your fault. You've got me spoiled. I need to know you love me. I need to see it in your eyes." He shook his head sadly. "I see a lot of different emotions, but right now, love isn't one of them."

Fox frowned at the man in front of him. "But...all you've done is give. And all I've done is take. It's not right, it's...you've lost a lot too."

Alex covered Fox's hands with his own. "I don't want you as some sort of repayment. I don't *need* to be repaid. I'm here with you because I love you. I'd walk through fire for you, Fox."

The older man turned away, unable to face the adoration he saw in the beautiful, green eyes.

"I'm all right, baby," Alex whispered, gently rubbing the back of Fox's hand. "Thank you for thinking about me."

Fox turned back and forced himself to meet the other man's gaze. "Would you do me a favor?"

Alex squeezed his hands. "Anything."

"I've n-noticed that once in a while you call me baby. It's like a...a slip..."

"Sorry."

"No, I...is that what you usually call me?"

"Yeah, usually."

"Then, why are you trying not to?"

Alex's lips parted, but no intelligible sound came out.

"I don't think it'd be too much on my delicate psyche if you did."

Alex lowered his gaze.

"Please, Alex," Fox begged softly. "Could you please treat me the way you used to? At least, a little bit?"

Alex looked up at Fox, and a slow smile curled his mouth. He raised the older man's hands to his lips, planting a tiny kiss on the knuckles, then pressed them to his cheek, nodding his agreement.

They passed the rest of the evening in quiet discussion, and by the time Fox had started to grow fatigued, Alex was completely worn out. The discussion had mostly covered their sex life, and Alex had done a more than satisfactory job of bringing himself to painful arousal with some of his favorite memories.

He walked Fox to the bedroom at ten-thirty, sitting with him as had become his custom, until the older man fell asleep.

"Honest to God?" Fox's sleepy voice asked as he settled back against the pillows. "Right in the middle of a dance club?"

Alex nodded wearily. "And in the parking lot."

Hazel eyes widened. "You didn't tell me about the parking lot."

"I don't know how I could have left that part out."

Fox returned the grin he saw twitching around the corners of the other man's mouth. "Got a bit of a wild streak, don't I?"

"Yep." Alex brushed the tips of his fingers along the underside of Fox's chin. "We're a hell of a match."

Fox's smile grew broader. "It wasn't very nice though, what you did to Skinner."

Alex shrugged. "I know, but we weren't exactly bestest friends. He wanted my man, and that wasn't cool with me."

"You're *cool* now, though, aren't you?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, he finally got it. 'Course, it took your *death* for him to figure it out."

"Figure what out?"

Alex paused for a moment, staring at the curious man, then spoke. "That I love you."

The sensual blend of honey and sandpaper wrapped Fox in its seductive warmth, caressing his nerves and producing the most delicious tingles in his lower regions.

Screw good sense, he wanted this man. And, he decided to himself, he would get him. One way or another, Alex Krycek was going to fall.

"What's that about?"

"Hmm? What?"

"That look." Alex squinted down at the other man, trying to see into his thoughts. "I know *you*, remember?"

Fox gave him a sweet smile then made a show of stretching and yawning. "God, I'm beat."

Alex studied the older man for a bit then nodded. "Go to sleep, then."

Fox closed his eyes, a tiny hint of a smile playing at his lips. "Goodnight, Alex."

Alex released a long sigh then raised a hand to Fox's head, gently petting his hair. "'Night, baby."

********************

Alex preceded Fox into the apartment, removing his coat and tossing it over the hook.

"You think I would have remembered that you'd done the exact same thing to me before..."

Fox slowly removed his coat, watching the way the younger man's rear moved in the black wool pants. "If you *had* remembered that I liked the chicken better, we could have been finished eating a lot sooner, and we wouldn't have missed the movie. I hope that tape you rented doesn't suck."

"It can't possibly be worse than the one *you* insisted on renting the other night."

"It wasn't that bad."

Alex dropped his head and raised his eyebrows. "Fox, the woman was an eyeball-sucking alien. Now forgive me for being impertinent, but don't you think that if the woman *you* were married to for fifteen years was chowing on your neighbor's eyes, you'd have some sort of clue?"

"Yeah, but if the husband *knew*, it would have made for an awfully short movie..."

"Which would've been the best thing that could've happened."

Fox responded with a soft grunt.

"I'm gonna go change," Alex said as he moved toward the bedroom. "Be right back."

Fox watched Alex until he disappeared from sight, smiling softly.

The week and a half that had passed since their talk had been a good one. With the exception of one major headache that seemed to be associated with the memory of some guy with yellow eyes and abnormally long fingers, he felt pretty good. His sworn mission to seduce Alex was slow and occasionally frustrating, but he was determined to triumph.

He'd kept his plays subtle, preferring stealth tactics over anything overt. An 'accidental' flash of ass as he was getting out the shower, a brush of the crotch as he moved around Alex in the kitchen...smoky looks that made the younger man lose his train of thought in conversation...

Alex emerged from the bedroom wearing worn, faded jeans with a hole at mid-thigh and a stretched-out t-shirt that might once have been yellow. His hair stood up in soft, aimless spikes as he briskly rubbed his fingers through it and dropped down on the sofa, executing a long, feline stretch.

Fox sucked his lower lip into his mouth as he watched the younger man in all his tousled magnificence laid out before him like an offering.

"God, that's better," Alex moaned as he concluded his stretch. "I don't mind putting on civilized clothes once in a while, but it always feels so good to come home and take them off." He eyed Fox, who was still standing in the middle of the floor. "You gonna go change?"

The corner of the older man's mouth twitched, and he brought a hand up to the neck of his shirt, beginning to slowly undo the buttons. "Yeah. Why don't you put the tape in? I'll be back in a minute."

Alex nodded, eyes set on the moving hand and each new inch of skin it revealed. When Fox turned and walked toward the bedroom, he drew a deep breath and rose to pop the tape into the VCR. A few minutes later, Fox returned, also dressed in jeans, but wearing a sage green, loose-fitting, button down shirt, undone except for the bottom three buttons.

"You're right," he said, pushing Alex's legs aside and sprawling on the sofa. "This is much better. Okay," he said, motioning to the television. "....Alex?"

"Hmm?" Alex turned his attention away from Fox's chest, trying to forget about the way the light from the screen lent a soft glow to the scattering of golden-brown hairs.

Fox suppressed a devious grin. "The tape?"

"Yeah. Oh, yeah." Alex hit the play button on the remote, and the two settled back to watch the movie.

Ten minutes in, Fox shifted position and rolled his head back, groaning softly.

"What's the matter?" Alex asked, as if Fox didn't know he would.

"I don't know, my neck kinda hurts."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I...damn, you hear that crack?"

Alex frowned and slid his hand along the back of Fox's shoulders. "Has it been bothering you or did it just start?"

"Just started a little while ago."

"Hmm. Relax." One hand joined the other, and Alex began to gently but firmly massage Fox's shoulders and neck.

The older man's eyes rolled up behind drooping lids, and he emitted a long, sensuous groan. "Mmmm....you could make good money doing this."

"You said that to me once," Alex recalled, losing himself in the moment. "Then you changed your mind."

Another soft moan. "Why?"

The younger man inched closer, whispering his answer in Fox's ear. "You said you didn't want my hands on anyone but you."

"I can see me saying that," Fox whispered back, turning his head so that their lips almost touched. "There's magic in those hands."

Alex felt himself begin to sway as his blood pressure rose and his cock strained against the zipper of his jeans. Close enough to taste, Fox's mouth presented too great a temptation for him to resist. He leaned forward, shivering at that first soft whisper of his lover's mouth brushing his, and every reason he'd given Fox for not touching him dissolved into nothing.

He'd won. A week and a half's worth of frustration finally paid off. Alex was going down like the Hindenburg, and there was no stopping now. Fox was damn proud of himself.

Alex moaned as his tongue touched its sorely missed mate, and just before he moved in to devour Fox's mouth, a harsh sound vibrating against his lips stopped him cold. He pulled away and Fox fell forward, hands clenched to his temples.

"Shit. Fox?" Alex swung around so that he was now sitting in front of Fox. He slipped a hand beneath the tortured man's cheek and tried to lift his head, but Fox was too tense. The older man rocked quickly back and forth, hard, agonized sounds rising from his throat. "Easy, baby," Alex instructed as calmly as he could. "Breathe. Come on, Fox, breathe."

Fox's body tightened another notch as waves of grief washed over him. //Alex?// He saw himself wandering in the dark from room to room, searching. He felt the fear rising into his chest as he realized he was alone. Then, he saw himself lying on the sofa, despondent, phone in his hand, calling Alex's number again and again, and getting no answer. His groans turned to sobs as he heard Scully's voice, angry and desperate, telling him that Alex, the cold, heartless son of a bitch, had used and left him...

"Jesus...baby, come on. Talk to me. Please, Fox." Alex stroked his lover's hair, not knowing what else to do to comfort him.

"Hurts," Fox whimpered, still rocking. "God, it hurts."

"I'm sorry, baby." Alex wrapped his arms around Fox and laid his head on the older man's shoulder. "I wish I could take it away." He kissed the back of Fox's head and laid him back on the sofa. Quickly, he shut off the lights, leaving only the glow of the television for illumination and returned, kneeling on the floor by the sofa. "Is that better?"

"No," Fox whispered, turning onto his side. "You left me..."

"What?" The word was barely out of Alex's mouth when he realized what Fox was saying. He must have been remembering the time when Alex had left, afraid of ruining his career and his life. "God...I told you about that, Fox, remember? I told you why I left."

Fox's body spasmed, and he uttered another pained groan.

An image of Alex, darkness partially shadowing his face, materialized. //*He's* mine.// A gun, held by the man Fox had adored and pined for, pointed at his head.

"You...were going to shoot me..."

"No. God, no, baby."

The memories were returning in disjointed pieces and bringing with them a rush of emotion that the confused man was unable to process.

"Fox," Alex called, trying to be heard through the roar of pain. "We talked about that, too. I would *never* hurt you. I was shot because I wouldn't hurt you..."

He didn't know how much Fox had heard of what he'd just said. The older man seemed to have shut down, trying to close himself off from the pain and the memories that brought it.

"Fox, can you hear me?"

No answer. Only Fox's labored breathing told him that the other man was still with him. He rose from the floor, promising Fox he would return, and went to the bedroom, pulling a pillow and blanket from the closet. He managed to lift Fox's head high enough to tuck the pillow under it, then covered him with the blanket. He sat on the floor, tenderly stroking the head of the unresponsive man and speaking softly to him.

"I wish there was something I could do to make this easier, sweetheart. But Scully said we're just going to have to tough it out. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but it *will* get better. And in time, you'll remember it all. You'll remember me, and you'll know how much I love you." Alex lay his head on the pillow beside Fox's. "It's going to be okay. We're going to get through this, I promise."

Almost an hour later, Fox's respiration slowed and evened out, indicating that he was finally asleep. Alex kissed his forehead and lay down there on the floor, refusing to be any more than a few inches away. He laid awake for most of the night, alert to any sound that Fox might make, and just before dawn came, his eyes began to close.

As Alex slept, Fox awoke. Disoriented, he looked around the room, trying to get his bearings.

//What the hell am I...//

And it came back to him. The returning memories and the excruciating pain that filled his head and his heart.

And Alex.

He could see nothing through pain that blinded him, but he could feel Alex there, trying through words and touch to provide comfort. He couldn't recall the words that the younger man spoke, and he had no idea if he'd responded to them. All he could remember was the terrible hurt that suddenly flooded in and almost drowned him...and the one whose constant love and determination kept him afloat.

He sat up, lowering his head into his hands, and caught sight of the figure just to his right. He turned his head and saw Alex, asleep on the floor, and his heart swelled. And this time not just with compassion or lust. For the first time, he thought that even if his memory never fully returned, he could in time fall in love with this man.

Carefully, he slid down to the other end of the sofa and got to his feet. He crouched beside the sleeping man, hating to leave him there on the floor, but there was no way to get him to the bed or the sofa without waking him. He pulled the blanket from the sofa and draped it over Alex, gaining a soft sigh as the younger man shifted position on the area rug. Quickly, he grabbed the pillow and placed it down on the floor next to Alex's head, smiling as the younger man's face came in contact with the soft cotton. Alex moaned and clutched the pillow, pulling it under his cheek, then settled down.

As satisfied as he could be, Fox moved away and headed toward the bathroom, hoping that a warm shower would relax away the remnants of last night's headache.

He closed the bathroom door and ran the shower while he stripped off his clothes, then stepped under the warm spray. He adjusted the shower head to a more vigorous setting and groaned as the water pounded against his still-tense muscles.

As Fox washed, his mind began to wander, reflecting on what had almost happened the night before. His eyes dropped shut as his body remembered the sensations Alex's touch and his near-kiss had aroused. As much as he wanted his memory to return, he cursed its extraordinarily bad timing last night. Were it not for that damned headache, he and Alex might have awakened in each other's arms this morning.

Fox whimpered at the thought.

He wanted so much to experience the things that Alex had described to him. He wanted to be himself again, and, dammit, he wanted Alex...

Unconsciously, his hands began to wander over his body, stroking and kneading the soapy flesh.

But as he'd discovered the affection he felt for the younger man, understanding also began to dawn. Suddenly he knew what Alex had meant about needing his love as well as his body, and he realized that it wouldn't be fair. Memory notwithstanding, Fox had it all; Alex's mind, his body, heart and soul belonged to him. And Alex deserved no less in return. Until Fox could give exactly what he got, he had to give up on the idea of seduction. Last night proved to him that it wouldn't take much to melt Alex's resolve, and he couldn't. He just couldn't coax the younger man into doing something he felt wasn't right. He couldn't put the resulting guilt on him.

That decided, there was still the small problem of the aching erection that screamed for relief.

Fox continued stroking his chest with one hand, lightly pinching and pulling at his nipples while the other slid down over his cock. He inhaled deeply, taking the warm, moist air in through his nose as his fingers wrapped around the granite-hard erection. He stroked himself gently, thinking of the feel of Alex's hands expertly working across his neck and shoulders...his mouth hovering just outside his ear, that smoky, seductive voice whispering into it. The feel of his lips...the all-too brief taste of his tongue...

Fox grunted as the gentle strokes of his hand grew vigorous and more insistent. The hand on his chest moved to the wall, supporting himself while he jerked his cock faster. A coiling began in the pit of his stomach, winding tighter and tighter, and finally it snapped and Fox's cries bounced off the walls of the shower as he came over his hand and on the wall in front of him.

He leaned into the wall, taking a moment to regain his strength before resuming his shower. When he finished, he grabbed the towel he'd placed nearby, rubbing it over his head before beginning to dry himself. He cursed softly as the phone began to ring and, wrapping the towel around his waist, sprinted out to the living room.

Fox grabbed for the phone, cursing again as he saw Alex pull himself up and look around the room.

"Hello?"

"Fox? Hi, sweetheart, it's Mom."

"Oh...hi...M-mom. How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are *you*? It's been almost a week since we talked last."

"I...I'm okay." Fox's gaze shifted to Alex, who had now lifted himself up to the sofa. The younger man stared uncertainly at him while rubbing the back of his neck and shoulders.

"Have you remembered anything since the last time we spoke?"

"Y-yeah, actually, some stuff came to me last night."

"Did you get another headache?"

"Yeah."

"Was it very bad?"

"Worst one yet. But I remembered more."

"Oh, Fox. Alex was with you, wasn't he?"

"Yeah." Fox gave the younger man a soft smile. "He was here, taking care of me as usual."

"You're very fortunate, Fox."

Fox closed his eyes and answered softly, "I know."

"So...I asked you last week, and you promised you'd let me know *this* week. When are you coming to visit?"

"Oh...uh...can...can I call you back about that in a little while? Alex was asleep, and I just got out of the shower..."

"Oh, goodness, Fox, why didn't you just tell me that in the first place? All right, give me a call later. I'm not going anywhere today, so call anytime."

"Okay, I'll get back to you today."

"You'd better, Fox William, or I'm coming up there..."

Fox smiled into the phone. "I will, I promise....all right...yes...okay...talk...talk to you later.....bye."

Fox hung up and shook his head. "She's persistent."

"Now I know where you get it from."

Fox smiled over the other man. "Can we go up this weekend and get it over with?"

"Any time you want. How do you feel?"

"Better." Fox looked down at himself. "I'm dripping all over the floor, here. I'll be right back."

He retreated to the bedroom, finished drying himself, and threw on some clothes. He re-entered the living room to find Alex curled up on the sofa, pillow under his head and blanket pulled up to his chin. Weary, green eyes blinked up at him, and the other man started to get up.

"No." Fox sat at the edge of the couch, placing a hand on Alex's arm. "You're tired. Why don't you go back to sleep?"

"I'm okay."

"You couldn't have slept very well lying on the floor." He pulled the blanket off and tugged at the pillow. "In fact, get up and come with me."

Alex rose and followed Fox into the bedroom. The older man tossed the pillow onto the bed and motioned to it with his hand. "Lie down."

"I'm awake now."

"Did I ask you if you were awake? No. I said, lie down."

Alex's lips twitched up into a tiny smile. "Yes, sir." He stretched out on the bed and looked up at the other man. "'Kay?"

"Turn over."

"Huh?"

Fox leaned over the younger man, planting his hands on either side of Alex's head. "Turn over."

Alex obeyed, lying on his stomach and pulling the pillow under his head. He felt the depression of the mattress as Fox sat down, then gentle hands gliding under his t-shirt and up and down his back.

"You're exhausted," Fox purred softly, massaging Alex's tired muscles. "I want you to go back to sleep."

"Fox..."

"Shhh."

"Nooo, I want to talk."

"What about?"

"Last night. You were in so much pain...so upset..."

"I'm all right," Fox promised. "Everything is fine. Go to sleep."

Alex moaned, struggling to vocalize his next response. Fox's hands caressing and soothing him were pure heaven, and in no time at all, a warm lethargy had washed over him, and he drifted off.

Fox continued to rub Alex's back and shoulders, unwilling to remove his hands from the smooth, taut skin just yet. He studied the relaxed expression, smiling at the pouting lips crushed into the pillow, and marveled at the long, thick curtain of lashes that fell over his cheek.

Fox pulled his hand from under Alex's shirt and raised it to the sable head, tenderly petting the glistening strands. A few more lingering touches, and he got to his feet, pulling the blanket up over the sleeping man and headed out to the living room to call his mother.

********************

"I hope you don't look like that when we get there."

Fox turned from the window and looked over at the driver. "Like what?"

Alex looked over the tops of his sunglasses, grinning at the other man. "Like you're going to the gallows. She's your mom, babe; she won't bite."

Fox nodded and returned his gaze to the window.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I haven't remembered anything in a few days."

"And?"

"They were coming pretty regularly."

"Doesn't mean anything, Fox. And anyway, weren't you getting a little tired of having those headaches every day?"

Fox sighed impatiently. "I'm *tired* of running from place to place, meeting this one and that one...I *hate* those sympathetic looks that people give me. I hate being talked to like an imbecile. People think because you've lost your memory, you're automatically stupid."

The unexpected tirade took Alex by surprise. "They mean well, Fox. I guess it's just hard for people to know how to talk to a person they might have known for years, and who, now, all of a sudden doesn't know them from a hole in the wall. Besides, we're going to see your *mother*. She doesn't act that way with you."

"Yeah, but when I talked to her yesterday, she was talking about having some...aunt *somebody* over, and some other friends of hers who haven't seen me in years. I don't *want* to see her friends. I don't *want* to see aunt whoever." He sat pouting for a moment, then looked to the other man. "Turn around. I want to go home."

"What? Fox, we're about fifteen minutes from her house! How can we just turn around and go home? That's a long, damn drive..."

"I don't care."

"*Sure* you don't care. You're not the one who's driving."

"Oh, *sorry*. Get me a fucking map and I'll drive back, okay?"

//Oh God, oh God, oh God...//

"Babe," Alex called softly, "take it easy."

"Don't talk to me like that," Fox warned between gritted teeth. "I *hate* when you talk to me like that."

Alex swallowed the urge to slam on the brakes and wrap his fingers around Fox's neck.

"Okay, then, how about this? We're now *ten* fucking minutes from your mother's, and we are *not* turning around and going home. We're going to spend the goddamn weekend with her, she's going to talk to you about your childhood, show you pictures until your eyes cross, and feed you tapioca pudding until you puke. That better?"

Alex waited warily for Fox to blow up at him, but the older man surprised him by crossing his arms over his chest and slouching in his seat, not saying another word.

When they arrived at Mrs. Mulder's home some eight minutes later, the woman opened up the door and walked out onto the porch, her wide smile fading as she saw the troubled expression on her son's face.

"Fox, honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, M-mom. Just tired. It was a long drive."

The woman gathered Fox into her arms and gave Alex a questioning glance over his shoulder. He held up a hand and shook his head, giving her the signal to wait until later. She kissed Fox's cheek and pulled him toward the house. "Come on in, boys. I've made Fox's favorite for dinner."

Fox lowered his gaze and emitted a disturbed sigh as he followed his mother into the house. Alex kept a few steps behind, carrying their two bags and hating himself for not turning around the minute Fox had asked him to.

********************

"It was such a shock, Fox..." Aunt Alice glanced curiously between the two men who sat across from each other. "I'm so very glad that it turned out that you *were* alive, but it was still a shock when it seemed so certain that you were dead. I'm sorry, dear, that I couldn't make it to your funeral, but my arthritis, you know..."

Fox simply stared at the woman.

"And then when your mother told me that you'd lost your memory...my goodness. Do you still not remember anything?"

"I've started recalling a few things," Fox said softly, playing with his blueberry pie.

"Well, that's wonderful! I'd hate to think that you would never remember your mother. Poor woman, it's bad enough that her daughter is gone..."

"I've got him back, Alice," Tina Mulder said to her sister-in-law. "That's all that matters to me."

The other woman let her gaze fall on Alex. "And you're the one who actually found him, is that right?"

Alex had been hoping that the woman would just ignore him, but no such luck.

"Uh, yeah. That was me."

"And you're...friends?"

//Not at the moment, no.//

"Yeah."

The woman raised an eyebrow. "*Close* friends?"

"Oh, for goodness sake, Alice, I *told* you about their relationship. Why are you trying to make them uncomfortable?"

"Have I done that?"

"You promised you'd watch what you said..."

Fox leaned forward, rubbing his temples while the women bickered. Alex noticed immediately and spoke up.

"Excuse me, ladies, but I think Fox is getting pretty tired..."

Tina Mulder looked to her son, concern instantly washing her features. "Fox? Oh, sweetheart, have you got another headache?" Receiving no answer, she left her chair and came to sit on the arm of his chair. "Honey, you should have said something. Alice, I've got to get him to bed."

"All right, all right," the other woman said, getting up. "I know when I'm being kicked out. Fox, dear? I hope you're feeling better, soon." Alice looked up at Alex. "It was very nice meeting you, Alan."

"Alex."

Three pairs of eyes fell on Fox, who remained sitting, head in his hands.

"What's that?"

"His name is *Alex*."

A tiny smile touched the younger man's lips as he witnessed Fox's quick, instinctive defense of him.

"Oh," Alice said coolly but never offered an apology. "Well, I'll be going now. Goodnight everyone."

When Alice had gone, Tina turned her attention to her son. "Come on, sweetheart. I'll take you upstairs." As she hauled Fox up by his arm, his eyes met Alex's, and the younger man thought he saw a tinge of regret in them.

"Alex?"

His eyes shifted from Fox's to his mother's.

"It's early. Will you stay and talk with me for a while?"

Alex looked quickly from Mrs. Mulder to Fox, then back again.

"Yeah. Sure."

Fox lowered his eyes and let his mother lead him up the stairs and into the bedroom. She waited while he went into the bathroom and prepared for bed, then pulled the covers back and pulled them up to his chin. "You'll feel better after a nice, long rest," she cooed, stroking his hair. "I know it was a very long ride."

He nodded silently.

"I probably should have waited to have your Aunt Alice over. She *can* be a bit much, but I thought it would be good for you to meet people you knew..."

"It's all right," Fox whispered, looking toward the door.

His mother smiled. "So...aren't you proud of me?"

"What?"

"I'm proud of myself. I've become very progressive over the last few weeks."

Fox's glaze again flicked from his mother to the door and back again. "What do you mean?"

"I'd never have dreamed I would accept my son being involved with another man, but...you know, thinking that I'd lost you forever, Fox, opened my eyes. It doesn't matter to me who you love. I'm just happy that you've *got* someone to love...and who loves you. Goodness, and Alex does love you. You can see it all over his face when he looks at you. And so, I put you in the same room together. I..." Mrs. Mulder cocked her head, watching her son fidget and look to the door for the fourth time. "Well...why don't you get some sleep, hmm? I'm going to go downstairs and talk with Alex for a little while."

Fox nodded, his eyes flitting around the room then settling on the patch of blanket just below his chest.

"Goodnight, honey." Tina Mulder kissed the top of her son's head and exited the room, closing the door softly behind her.

********************

Alex sat playing absently with his napkin, wondering how Fox was faring in a strange bed, in a strange house. He knew Mrs. Mulder meant well, but Fox wasn't used to any bed but his own. And he was used to Alex being there when he fell asleep.

He lowered his head and sighed.

Of course after that episode in the car earlier, and in spite of the incident with Aunt Alice and the look he thought he'd seen in the older man's eyes as his mother was accompanying him upstairs, he wasn't sure Fox would want him anywhere near him.

"I don't think he's going to sleep anytime soon."

Alex looked up into kind, blue eyes.

"I believe he'd like to see you."

Alex gave her a small grimace. "Are you sure about that?"

Fox's mother sat down on the edge of the coffee table. "All right. Tell me what happened."

Alex scratched the back of his head. "He gets very uncomfortable in unfamiliar surroundings. He'd decided, fifteen minutes from here, that he wanted to go home. I tried to reason with him, we ended up yelling at each other, and..."

"Oh, dear. Well, I'm glad you came, but I certainly don't want him feeling uncomfortable."

"Yeah, I think I goofed. I should have called you, made our apologies and taken him back home."

"Well, Alex, if it's any consolation, I think he's sorry too. Why don't you go up and talk to him?"

Alex gave the woman a grateful smile and with no more hesitation than that, headed for the stairs.

********************

Fox switched on the small lamp by his bed and sat up. His headache hadn't subsided, but it  wasn't getting any worse, either. He looked around at the strange pictures and furniture, trying to calm his anxiety by telling himself that these were things from his childhood, but it did no good. Maybe he'd be better able to cope if...

His thought was interrupted by the soft squeak of the door.

Alex stood in the doorway, casting a wary glance Fox's way. "How's your head?"

Fox looked away. "Same. Thought you were talking to my mother?"

"I was. I'm done." Alex approached the bed and cautiously lowered himself to the edge. "Can't sleep?"

Slow shake of the golden-brown head. Then, "I didn't want to tell her that I..."

"That you what?"

Fox's head dropped lower. "Can't sleep without you being there."

"Well, I'm here."

Fox nodded then lifted his head. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier, Alex. I acted like a spoiled brat."

"Yeah," Alex agreed softly, "but you've got good reason. It's not like you aren't under a tremendous amount of pressure."

"Still..."

Alex reached out and stroked Fox's stubbled cheek. "It's okay," he whispered. "I'm sorry too. I should have taken you home when you asked me to."

"No. I...I had to do this some time. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up about it. It isn't like you weren't going to be with me."

"Okay, so we're both sorry," Alex concluded. "We friends again?"

Fox gave him a tired smile. "Do friends generally share a bed?"

"Ohhh, yeah. I guess your mother thought she was being..."

Fox finished Alex's sentence for him. "Progressive."

"Hmm?"

"That's what she told me when she was up here. She's so proud of herself."

"Yeah...so...I guess I can..." Alex looked around. "...sleep on the floor..."

A look of disappointment crossed Fox's face. "The floor?"

"Better than the chair," Alex reasoned.

A hopeful hazel gaze met his eyes. "The bed is even better."

Alex stared in surprise. He thought Fox had given up on his little attempts at seduction days ago.

"The bed?"

"Yeah. It's big enough..."

"Uh...yeah, it is, but..."

Fox shook his head. "I'll behave, I promise. But I...I'd really like to sleep next to you...okay?"

Alex hesitated for a moment then agreed softly. "Okay. I'll uh...I'll be back." He disappeared into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

"Oh, God," Alex whispered to himself as he pulled his toothbrush out of his bag. "Okay, come on. You've slept with him before and not done anything. It's easy. It'll be nice to just lie with him."

//Yeah, but never when you haven't touched him for weeks and weeks.//

Alex brushed his teeth, stripped, and pulled on a pair of mocha brown, brushed cotton pants and a t-shirt, grateful that it was long enough to help camouflage the erection that had instantly blossomed at the thought of sleeping next to his Fox after so long. He emerged from the bathroom and crawled under the blanket, lying as close to the edge of the bed as he dared. All was quiet for a moment, then Fox called to him.

"Alex?"

//Don't look at him, Christ, don't look at him. I can hear the pout in his voice. If I look at him, I'll be finished.//

"Yeah?"

No answer.

//Dammit, he's going to make me look at him.//

Alex turned his head slowly and looked into mournful, gold-flecked eyes.

God, he knew how to use those eyes.

And that mouth. Turned down into a perfect, beautiful pout.

Alex sobbed softly to himself.

"What is it?"

"Why are you so far away?"

//Oh, kill me now.//

"Sorry." Alex slid toward the middle of the bed, his weight shifting Fox into him.

"I won't bother you, I promise," Fox murmured, happily curling himself into Alex's side.

//Is he kidding?//

For the first time in many weeks, Alex felt the warm length of his lover pressed against him, and his entire body vibrated with joy.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You're shaking."

"I'm uh...a little chilled, I guess."

"Really?" Fox moved in closer, wrapping one arm around Alex's chest. "Better?"

//Well, that all depends on how you look at it. Ah, hell.//

Alex wound his arms around the older man, hugging him close. "Yeah. That's much better."

Fox nestled his head against Alex's chest, listening to the strong heartbeat, practically purring with contentment. "I feel better, too. 'Night, Alex."

Alex's hand involuntarily began to move, sliding up and down Fox's back. "Good night." He lay suffering in silence, listening to the older man's respiration slow and deepen.

Dammit, he was asleep.

Unbelievable.

Alex groaned softly and tried to focus his attention on something other than his aching cock, but the only thoughts that would come to mind were things like...how good Fox smelled and how his hair tickled the underside of Alex's chin...how beautiful he was, slouched in his seat in the car, pouting...God, how much he wanted to flip the man onto his back and rip the thin nightclothes from his body.

//Stop, stop, stop. His memory is returning. It won't be that much longer...//

He inclined his head, burying his face in Fox's hair.

//Fuck it, it's not soon *enough*. I need him *now*.//

//C'mon, Krycek. You've been in worse situations than this. You're *tough*. You can take it. Besides which, you're in his mother's house, and neither one of you is exactly *quiet*.//

At least another hour passed before Alex finally fell asleep, and when he woke a little after seven the next morning, a pair of alert hazel eyes were staring at him.

"Morning."

Alex gave the other man a sleepy smile. "How long have you been awake?"

Fox shrugged. "A while."

"How do you feel?"

"Pretty good considering that other than what I've been told, I have no damn idea where we are."

The smile faded from Alex's face. "I'm really sorry about yesterday, babe. We should've gone home."

"I thought we got through that already? I'm okay. I had to do this."

"I know, but I guess I'm still feeling guilty." Alex touched the older man's cheek. "I don't ever want to do anything to hurt you."

"You haven't hurt me. You're trying to help me.  If it wasn't for you, I'd probably still be hiding in the apartment, afraid to come out and face my life. If I want my memory to come back, I have to take an active part in making that happen."

A tiny smile from Alex was all the response he got.

Fox pulled himself up, resting his head in his hand and looked down at the younger man. "You still look tired. Did you sleep?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"Don't know."

Fox sighed softly. "Well, I'm going to get up. I heard her moving around downstairs, so I guess I'll go down and keep her company. Why don't you go back to sleep?"

Alex shook his head. "I'll stay here as long as it takes for you to shower and dress, but then I'm getting up."

"Alex..."

"I had plenty of sleep," Alex insisted. "I'm fine." He waved Fox off. "Go on."

Fox cut him another suspicious look then slipped out of bed and headed toward the shower. When he was out of sight, Alex pulled a pillow into his face and groaned into it.

Jesus, he was gorgeous in the morning. Hair all over the place, falling down into his sleepy eyes...lips all rosy and swollen from hours of sleep...that impossible-for-a-blind-man-to-miss morning erection...

Alex moved the pillow down to his chest, hugging it tightly, trying to keep himself from thinking that in another time and place, they'd be lying in each other's arms, making love the whole morning. He missed those long, slow Sunday morning fucks that usually came after a wild Saturday night...

They would often go out on the weekends they were together, and whether it be just to dinner, movies, or dancing, for some odd reason they would usually end up driving each other into a frenzy and would be on each other like animals, sometimes before they even made it inside the apartment. And then, the next morning, whoever woke first would wrap himself around the other and rouse him with gentle kisses and caresses, and they would make love for hours, not getting up until mid afternoon, if at all.

The opening door startled Alex out of his reverie, and he pulled himself up, blinking at the man who had just entered the room.

"All yours," Fox smiled as he crossed over to his bag, returning his toiletries.

Alex nodded and dragged himself out of bed, gathering up his clothes. As he passed by Fox, the older man planted a soft kiss on his shoulder, taking him a bit by surprise. He stopped, staring for a moment, and when Fox's expression took on a look of uneasiness, Alex smiled and leaned in to brush his lips against the shaven jaw. He retreated to the bathroom, jerked off quickly in the shower, and joined Fox and Mrs. Mulder downstairs.

********************

"Fox, stop apologizing. It's all right," Tina Mulder told her son for the second time. "I explained, and everyone understands. I thought that maybe seeing people you used to know would help, but if it makes you uncomfortable, we'll do it another time when you think you're ready."

Fox looked down into his orange juice. "Thank you."

She smiled hopefully at him. "Do you think you're at least up to looking at some pictures?"

Fox looked at the man who sat beside him, and the two burst into laughter.

The woman looked from one man to the other, confused.

"Sorry," Alex apologized. "But your mention of pictures reminded us of a conversation we had in the car yesterday."

Mrs. Mulder nodded, still confused, but she didn't ask Alex to elaborate. "I've got old eight millimeter films, too, Fox, if you'd like to see them."

"Okay, let's just start with the pictures and see how it goes, okay?" Fox asked.

"Of course, dear. Now, you two get out of here and let me clean up breakfast, then I'll get out the albums."

"Let me help you," Alex offered, already getting up and clearing the dishes from the table. Fox also rose to help, bringing a bright smile to Tina Mulder's lips.

"You know, I spoiled my family terribly," the woman said. "They never lifted a finger to help with the housework. I never asked them to. I suppose that was a bad thing, but I was just so old fashioned. I'm glad to see I haven't completely ruined my son."

The two men helped to clean the kitchen, and when they were through, Mrs. Mulder dragged out the photo albums.

Fox sat and looked at picture after picture while his mother identified each one, but he recognized not a single soul. Even pictures of himself as a young boy rang no bells for him. Two hours and a headache later, they had seen all the albums, and he agreed to try the home movies.

At Mrs. Mulder's direction, Alex pulled the old Bell and Howell projector down from the top shelf of the hall closet and set it and the screen up. He loaded the first reel, and they watched a very young Fox Mulder standing over his baby sister's bassinet and smiling into the camera.

"You were so happy when we brought Samantha home," his mother said softly. "You felt so grown up when we sat you on the couch and put her in your arms..."

Fox watched the small, black and white version of himself rock the tiny bundle. He smiled proudly, his mouth moving, obviously saying something to the camera.

"Do you remember what I was saying?"

"You were talking to your father. If I remember correctly, you were telling him that she smiled at you." The woman paused. "I didn't have the heart to tell you that a three-day-old baby didn't know how to smile...she grew very attached to you, though. Followed you everywhere once she learned how to walk..."

Fox watched, fascinated. This was his life. It obviously was. Even thirty some odd years later, there was no mistaking that the small boy was him, yet he couldn't remember.

The reel ran to its end, and Alex rewound then removed it. Mrs. Mulder handed him the next reel, and Fox watched himself and his now two-year-old sister playing on a beach while a much younger Tina Mulder sat beside them on a bench.

Alex's back straightened, squinting at the screen as the man in the background caught his eye.

Younger, yes. Darker hair and a few less wrinkles, but he was sure the man who stood a number of feet away was the smoking bastard.

As soon as he completed his thought, the man pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket and slipped one into his mouth. Now Alex was sure. He said absolutely nothing and let the scene pass by Fox's unknowing eyes.

Four reels later, he noticed Fox starting to get a bit edgy. The older man watched as he and Samantha, now in living color, waved from in front of the aluminum Christmas tree. He blinked rapidly as he watched himself unwrap a gift and hold it up to the camera. As he read the word Stratego on the box, he doubled over roaring as unimaginable pain pierced his head. In seconds, Alex was at his side, followed by his mother.

"Fox?" Alex called, trying to keep him from slipping too far into the pain. "Breathe, baby. Come on, work through it."

Tina Mulder's eyes filled with tears. "Fox, oh, my God, Fox." She turned a frightened gaze up to Alex. "Is this what happens to him?" The other man nodded his answer, and she stifled a sob. "My God...he's in agony."

Alex placed his hand palm side up under the older man's. "Stay with me, Fox," he instructed gently. "Squeeze my hand. Let the pain go."

Another wave hit and Fox's body contracted. He squeezed Alex's hand with all his strength, making the younger man wince.

"S...Samantha..."

Violent tremors shook him, and he began to sob.

"I tried...sorry...I'm so..."

"Fox," Tina Mulder whispered, "sweetheart, it's all right." She again looked to Alex. "It's like he's remembering."

"He is. That's what's happening when he experiences this type of pain. He must be remembering when she disappeared."

"Can't stop them...Samantha..."

"*Fox*. It wasn't your fault. You were just a boy. You couldn't have stopped it," his mother reasoned desperately. "I know that. It's all right, sweetheart..."

Fox continued to squeeze Alex's hand, moaning occasionally as the pain surged. A few minutes later, his grip loosened, and his body went slack.

"Baby?" Alex called softly. "Fox..." He stroked the perspiration-slick forehead.

"Hmmm..."

"Does it still hurt?"

The older man released a long sigh and pulled automatically to his left, blindly seeking the comfort of Alex's arms.

Alex held Fox to his chest, casting a wary glance toward Mrs. Mulder. "These episodes take everything out of him," he explained, stroking the older man's back. "I don't know if I can get him upstairs to the bedroom. Can we just put him down here?"

"Of course," Mrs. Mulder answered, quickly getting to her feet. "I'll get him a blanket."

As the woman hurried from the room, Alex laid Fox on his back and gently hoisted his legs up on the sofa. He sat on the floor by his lover's head, tenderly caressing his hair. "It's okay," he crooned, kissing Fox's nose and forehead while the other man fought to breathe evenly. "Easy..."

A blanket came down over Fox, and Tina Mulder took a seat at the edge of the sofa near his feet. She looked to Alex for an update on her son's condition.

"The pain's subsided. He'll sleep soon."

"Is he going to go through this every time he remembers something?"

"He has so far."

Mrs. Mulder covered her mouth. "How much can he take?"

"I don't know," Alex whispered, turning adoring eyes back to Fox. "I keep praying that the rest will all come back at once so he can be done with it." He looked back at the woman. "I uh...I hope your feelings weren't hurt earlier..."

Mrs. Mulder stared confused for a few seconds, then she realized what Alex meant.

"No. No, I ..." She gave him a weary smile. "All right, my mother's pride was hurt a bit, but it's perfectly understandable that he would turn to you. You've been his lifeline from that very first day. You were the one who found him, for goodness sake. It's you he trusts. I'm very grateful that he's got you."

They sat and talked for over an hour, and, when Alex was sure that Fox was out, he excused himself and went upstairs to pack their things for the ride home. When he returned some fifteen minutes later, Fox was still asleep with his mother watching him from the nearest chair.

Alex set the two bags down at the end of the sofa and lowered himself to the floor by Fox's head.

"He hasn't budged," Mrs. Mulder announced in a hushed tone. "Not a twitch, not a sigh."

"Don't let it upset you," Alex offered. "He's exhausted. He won't move an inch for hours sometimes." Alex pushed a few stray hairs away from Fox's face. "He needs time to recharge."

"So he can go through it all over again."

Alex nodded, his expression growing distant. "If I ever find that sonofa..."

"I'm sorry, Alex, I can't quite hear you. If you what?"

Alex took a deep breath and released it. "Nothing. Just thinking out loud."

Almost two more hours had passed before Fox began to stir. Mrs. Mulder set her teacup down and moved closer to the sofa.

"He's waking up."

Alex lifted his head from the cushion beside the older man and watched as Fox's eyelashes fluttered and lifted. The older man squinted up a him and lifted a hand to his face. Alex grasped the hand and pressed a kiss into his palm.

"Better?"

Golden-brown lashes swept downward then back up. "Just tired."

"Fox?"

Fox's eyes shifted from Alex's face to his mother's. Tina Mulder leaned over her son and kissed the top of his head.

"Goodness, Fox, you scared me half to death. Are you sure you're all right, now?"

Alex helped Fox sit up, and the other man nodded. "I'm okay. The pain's gone. It just leaves me kinda weak for a while."

"Would you like something, dear? Some juice, water...something to eat?"

Fox wrinkled his nose. "No food....some juice?"

"All right, dear. I'll be right back."

Once Mrs. Mulder was gone from the room, Fox turned his attention back to Alex, who had since risen to sit beside him on the sofa.

"How long was I out this time?"

"About three hours."

Fox grimaced. "Sorta late to drive back, huh?"

"No." Alex leaned in and kissed the older man's forehead. "Not too late."

"But by the time we get home, it'll be..."

"Doesn't matter," Alex interrupted. "I know you want to go home, don't you?"

Fox averted his eyes.

"Fox..."

"Hmm?"

"Tell me."

Fox nodded silently.

"Then we'll go."

"But you're tired too. I could see it this morning..."

"Would you quit worrying about me? I'm fine. We're going home."

Fox closed his eyes, leaning gratefully into the younger man's embrace.

Alex wound an arm around Fox and kissed the top of his head as he stroked his hair with his free hand. "That was an important memory you had," he murmured into the older man's hair.

"It was like I was right there and it was really happening."

"It *did* really happen."

"But I mean right then at that moment. Alex, is she dead?"

"No one knows for sure, really. Well, no one who would tell us the truth. That's one of the things that drove you so hard."

"Finding out what happened?"

"Yeah. You wanted so much to give your mother some kind of closure."

Fox was quiet for a minute, then began to speak. "But, Scully told me..."

"Here you are, dear."

Both men looked up as Mrs. Mulder entered the room with a glass of orange juice. "Are you sure I can't get you anything else?"

Fox took the glass. "No, this is fine, thank you."

"Alex? Can I get you anything?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine."

They talked quietly while Fox drank his juice. He reassured his mother three times that he was fine now and well enough to travel, and half an hour later, with the promise to call the moment they got in, the men left Tina Mulder's house and started home.

Alex watched Fox relax, sinking into his seat as they turned onto the highway, and he smiled.

"Feel better?"

Fox gave the younger man a relieved smile, then it faded a bit. "I hope she wasn't too upset that things didn't go exactly the way she'd planned."

"I don't think so. She just wants you to be all right, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, what were you going to say a little while ago before she came back into the room?"

Fox lowered his head and thought. "Oh, you mean when we were talking about my sister?"

"Yeah, you started to say, 'but Scully told me', and then your mother came in."

"You had said to me that the search for my sister was the main thing that drove me."

"Yeah."

"But that day that Scully and I went to the office, she told me that *you* were what drove me."

Alex tossed him a curious look.

"She said that my work *used* to be number one, but now you took priority over *everything*. Is that right?"

Alex shrugged. "It's what you told me. It's certainly the way you made me feel."

Fox nodded. "I believed her when she said it, but I just wanted to know if you felt that way."

"Yeah, I did. That's why I left you. I was afraid of you throwing everything away for me. I didn't feel I was worth you losing it all."

Fox cast him an odd stare. "Alex, I don't remember what we had. I don't remember who you were three months ago, but I've gotten to know you, and the man I know right now is well worth any sacrifice I could think to make."

Alex's head snapped around to look quickly at the man in the passenger's seat, then he looked back at the road, blinking rapidly.

What did that mean? A declaration of love? No, if that was what Fox meant, it was what he would have said. So, what *did* it mean? And how the hell should he respond?

Having no idea, Alex chose to remain silent.

Watching the younger man's expression, Fox sought to elaborate but then thought better of it. He could just see himself getting in way over his head and probably doing or saying something to ruin everything.

He sat quietly for a moment, not moving or speaking, and when the silence got to be too much, he pitched forward and turned the radio on. Leaving the station where he found it, Fox slouched in the seat and closed his eyes, letting the music relax him. Only minutes later, he sat up and winced.

"What's the matter?" Alex asked, reaching across the seat to touch Fox's arm.

Fox let his head drop, squeezing his eyes shut. "Music. You and me in a car...not this one, another one." He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "You were singing." He looked to Alex, trying to keep his focus through the slightly greater than average pain.

"That could have been almost any time," Alex said softly. "Come on, sit back and close your eyes."

"I'm okay, it's not that bad. I've never heard you sing."

Alex shrugged. "Not recently I guess, no."

"Guess I haven't really given you much to sing about lately, have I?"

"Come on, Fox, cut it out. You're here. You're alive, and we're together. That's more than I had two months ago. I couldn't be happier."

"Sure you could."

Alex released an exasperated sigh. "Would you please just shut up and close your eyes?"

Fox laid his head back against the headrest, obeying Alex's soft command with a deep frown.

Keeping his left hand on the wheel, Alex reached over with his right, petting the disturbed man's head. Minutes later he began to sing softly with the radio, watching the frown slowly fade from Fox's face. Just as he thought the older man was falling asleep, Fox emitted a long sigh, uttering a single word on the breath.

"Nice."

Alex rolled his eyes and smiled, continuing to sing even after he was sure this time that Fox was indeed asleep.

********************

Fox rose from the warmth, beckoned out of his pleasant dream by a soft, comforting voice.

"Come on, babe, wake up. We're home."

Fox straightened up, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Already?"

"Well, yeah, I guess it'd seem kinda fast when you slept most of the way."

He blinked over at the younger man. "I did?"

Alex gave him an amused smirk and a nod. "You'll probably be wide awake at three o'clock while I'm dead to the world."

"I don't know, I still feel like I could sleep for a week."

"Well, let's get upstairs then, before you wake up completely."

They made it up to the apartment, and Alex sent Fox directly into the bedroom while he locked up and fed the fish. That accomplished, he walked into the empty bedroom and looked around.

"Fox?"

He heard the faint sound of a toilet flushing then the sound of running water, and Fox entered the room, clad in a pair of charcoal gray pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

"Still sleepy?"

The older man nodded.

"Well, get to bed." He kissed the side of Fox's head. "Goodnight."

Fox opened his mouth to protest as Alex walked out of the room, but stopped himself. Yes, they spent last night together in the same bed, but there was little choice. His mother had stuck them together in the same room, and there was no way he was going to let Alex sleep on the floor or in a chair when there was plenty of room on the bed. Plenty of room...leaving no real reason that they should fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms except that they wanted to.

Fox climbed into bed, his rambling thoughts prohibiting sleep.

It had felt so good to be cocooned in Alex's warmth, listening to the soothing beat of his heart...secure in the protective circle of his arms...

But the flip side of that wasn't nearly so innocent.

The intoxicating scent of him...the seductive flex of muscle beneath Fox's touch...the raging erection that screamed his name...

He covered his face with his hands, groaning softly.

What to do, what to do.

He knew if he asked Alex to come in and sleep with him, the other man would do so without question, but how fair was it? He knew Alex's feelings on the matter, and he also knew how easily the younger man would give in to coercion. So how could he ask him to once again suffer a night like the last one? Sleep had mercifully taken him before his growing lust could overwhelm the joy of closeness, but seeing the exhaustion on Alex's face this morning, Fox knew that the younger man had not been so fortunate.

It was an impossible situation, one they had no way out of. It seemed, for now at least, that they were doomed to drown in their desire for each other, never relieving the sensual agony outside of the regular jerk off sessions each seemed to have relegated himself to.

Fox flipped onto his stomach, groaning again at the sensation of his rigid cock pressing into the mattress.

Speaking of jerking off...

Out in the living room, Alex settled on the sofa for what he saw to be a long, sleepless night.

Waking up this morning next to Fox had been a divine thing. For a moment, looking into the eyes he so adored, he hadalmost been able to forget everything that had happened during the two months before. But memories of a night spent in frustration, arms wrapped around a man who couldn't recall his love, had raced in, shattering his peace.

He'd masked his suffering as best he could. He knew that Fox recognized his frustration; he'd already expressed his guilt over it, but Alex was fairly sure that the older man hadn't a clue as to the real extent of his torment. And as long as Fox remained in this limbo, Alex would see to it that he never knew the truth of his agony.

He turned onto his side, hands tucked between his thighs, recalling the feel of his love's body against his. So warm...soft skin stretched over tight muscles. The butterfly tickle of breath against his chest as Fox breathed...

Alex moaned and slid one hand up to cup his balls while the other grazed the underside of his stony erection. He turned his face into the pillow, muffling any sounds he might make, hoping that it would be enough to keep Fox from hearing.

Rapidly, he milked his cock, gently squeezing his balls as he thought of Fox's mouth, so hot and wet, sliding up and down on him, driving him up the walls...

Alex whimpered into the pillow as he quickened his pace, imagining Fox's hands caressing his ass, stroking and teasing over the puckered opening, making Alex beg for what he wanted. Then finally, two fingers, cool and slick, working their way inside, probing and stretching as his lover's exquisite mouth worked him over.

He whispered Fox's name into the pillow as he came, coating his hand and soaking the sheet that covered him. He lay panting for a few minutes, and when he recovered, he rose from the sofa, dragging the soiled sheet into the bathroom. He threw it into the clothes hamper, pulled a fresh sheet from the closet, and returned to the sofa where he promptly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

********************

The following several days were scattered with bits of returning memory for Fox and, of course, by accompanying pain. Sometimes mild, sometimes severe, but always present at the slightest shred of recollection, the pain had begun to wear heavily on Fox. Hours of lethargy would often be followed by bursts of energy...and temper, and Alex was about ready to tear his hair out. After one particularly bad episode, he picked up the phone and called Scully.

"Scully."

"Hey. It's Alex."

"Hi. You sound like hell."

"Then I sound better than I feel."

"What's wrong? Bad day?"

"You could say that. I don't know how much more either of us can take."

"What's happening?"

"The pain and the frustration of remembering only scattered bits and pieces is wearing him down. It hits him three, four times a day, now. He's so tired."

"Where is he?"

"Asleep. He just had a really bad one."

"What'd he remember?"

"That day outside of his apartment when he was going to shoot me, and you shot *him*. He remembered quite a lot of it. More than I think he's ever remembered before. He was rambling about that, and then being in a boxcar with a bunch of skeletons, and an explosion..."

"That was extremely traumatic, Alex. If it weren't for Albert Hostein and his family dragging Mulder from under the rubble of that explosion, he would have died."

"Well, he just relived that today. And there was nothing I could do to help him. And then he got mad at me for trying to bring him out of it. He started accusing me of not wanting him to remember. I *do* want him to remember, Scully, but he was in so much pain..."

Scully could hear the grief in the man's voice. "It's got to be an awful thing to have to deal with day after day, Alex, but from the frequency of these events, I'd say he's pretty damn near close to a breakthrough. Hang on."

"I am, I...I just needed someone to talk to."

"Well, I'm glad you called me. It's been three days since I've talked to either of you. I'm trying hard not be intrusive, but look, if you need some time to yourself and you're afraid to leave him alone, I'll gladly go stay with him while you get out for a little while."

"He'd probably get pissed at both of us...accuse us of thinking he needs a babysitter."

"But you need the time off. I know you feel it's your responsibility to stick with him, and you've done that. Nobody could ask for more than what you've done. But, Alex, for your own sanity, you've got to get away from him for a little while. Just a few hours. Go to a movie. Go for a walk or a drive. I'll be perfectly happy to sit there and let him rant at me for a few hours."

Alex closed his eyes and breathed a relieved sigh. "That sounds great. Thank you."

"How about tomorrow? I can be there around two-ish."

"Tomorrow's good....yeah...great...I'll see you then."

Alex disconnected and tossed the phone down beside him on the sofa. As he picked his head up, a figure in the doorway caught his attention. Startled for a moment, he quickly recovered and went to the other man.

"Fox, what are you doing up? You've only been asleep for about half an hour."

"Surprised?"

"Yeah, I guess. You're usually out for hours after one of those bad trips."

Fox glanced at the phone and then at Alex. "I heard you talking."

"Yeah, I...I was talking to Scully. She wanted to know how you were."

"I didn't hear the phone ring."

"No, I called her."

"Why?"

"Because we haven't spoken to her in days, and I wanted to say hi."

"What was that about tomorrow?"

"She's going to come by to see you. What's with all the questions?"

Fox shook his head and looked down at the floor.

Alex's tone softened. "You look like you're about to drop. Come on, back to bed."

Fox let Alex lead him back to the bedroom with no fuss, and when the younger man pulled back the blanket, he slipped quietly into bed.

Alex leaned down and deposited a kiss on the other man's forehead, then pulled away and watched quietly as Fox drifted into sleep. He sat for a long while after, studying the unconscious man, watching the rise and fall of his chest, admiring the long, golden-brown sweep of his eyelashes...the relaxed set of his beautiful mouth, and a deep melancholy washed over him, bringing the sting of tears to his eyes. He blinked rapidly, fighting them back and again focused his gaze on his precious, tormented Fox.

"I love you," he whispered, barely loud enough to be heard. "And I swear on my life that I'll get you through every last bit of this. If I could take your pain away and make it mine, I'd do it in a heartbeat, baby, but I can't. All I can do is be with you and love you...and hope it's enough."

He placed a tender, lingering kiss on the sleeping man's lips, then left the room.

********************

Fox sat in front of his computer, pulling his glasses up and down the length of his nose while he stared at the screen. "So, this Jersey Devil thing that I'm reading here is what I was remembering this morning," he tossed at Alex as the younger man crossed through the room.

"Yep," Alex called from the hall before he disappeared into the bedroom with an armload of laundry, then reappeared several minutes later. He pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of the desk, watching Fox bang away at the page down key as his eyes quickly scanned the monitor.

He'd awakened early this morning and in good spirits. Even the single memory he'd had just before breakfast did not dampen his mood. The pain was minimal, and the duration, short.

Good. Maybe it would be a good day. If Fox was still feeling fine in a couple of hours, maybe he'd suggest a walk...

Feeling the other man's eyes on him, Fox looked up over the tops of his glasses and gave Alex a leering grin. "See something you like?"

A bit taken aback by the question, Alex hesitated before carefully wording his response.

"You're the only man I've ever known who looked good in glasses."

Fox took the glasses off and looked at them. "Do I?"

"Yeah."

"Intelligent type of good, or sexy type of good?"

"Both."

Fox put the glasses back on and stared at the younger man. "That's a nice, safe answer."

"It's a truthful answer. You ever hear the phrase 'smart is sexy'?"

"I probably have, but I don't remember."

Alex read Fox's expression and immediately regretted his innocent remark.

"I'm sorry, baby. I...I didn't mean..."

"Yeah, I know you didn't mean...but it's hard not to slip sometimes, huh? Hard to remember all the time that you're living with a mental invalid."

"Fox..."

Fox ripped the glasses off and threw them down onto the oak surface, then shut the computer down and shoved his chair away from the desk. Spinning himself around, he stared sullenly out the window.

Alex buried his face in his hands, praying for strength. He sat for a brief time, hoping that Fox would snap himself out of his sudden mood, but no such luck. Quietly, he rose from the chair and walked out of the room, leaving the brooding man alone.

********************

Alex rushed to the door, checking his watch as he walked. Noting the time, he deduced that it had to be Scully coming for her visit with Fox. He swung the door open and ushered her inside.

"So, where are you going?"

He shook his head, looking anxiously toward the bedroom. "I'm not going out."

"Why not?"

"Shh. I think he's sleeping. He had another episode about an hour and a half ago. Not as bad as some, but not nearly as mild as this morning."

"Okay, but, Alex...I'm a doctor. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of him. *Go*."

"I can't, I..."

"Yes, you *can*. This is as much for him as it is for you. I know he needs you, Alex, but sooner or later he's got to know that you can't be here with him twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Besides, it'll give him time to miss you."

"But I...I haven't said anything to him about going out. I don't want him to wake up and not find me here."

"Oh, for God's sake, it's not like he's going to wake up to an empty house. I'll be here. I'll tell him you went out for a while."

"He was upset with me this morning. I don't want to upset him any more."

Scully studied the man, squinting up at him as he spoke.

"I just don't think it's a....what...what are you staring at?"

"Gray hairs."

"What?"

"Three of them." She pointed to the left side of his head. "Right there."

Alex gave her a disbelieving sigh and turned away.

"I'm not kidding. Haven't you noticed?"

"No."

Scully shook her head. "I'm not going to have two wrecks on my hands, Krycek. Get your jacket, grab your car keys, and get the hell out of here. I don't want to see you for at least three hours, are we clear?"

Alex cast a hesitant glance in the direction of the bedroom then looked back into determined blue eyes.

"Good*bye*, Alex."

"God." Alex lifted his jacket from the hook, checking the pocket for his keys and cell phone, then slowly started for the door. "I'll keep my phone on. If there's a problem, call me."

"Don't worry," Scully assured Alex as she opened the door and shoved him out into the hall. "Everything'll be just fine." And with that, she closed the door in his face. Rolling her eyes, she heaved a long sigh and stalked into the living room. "God, what basket case."

Alex stood on the other side of the door, weighing his options.

Walk back into the apartment and insist on staying home, or do what Scully said, and take a few hours for himself, and risk facing holy hell when he returned.

//Oh, come on. Scully's right. She's there; it's not like he's alone. She'll explain that you went out, and he'll be fine. He's a bit out of sorts, but he's not homicidal. What the hell can possibly happen?//

He walked away from the door and headed for the elevators and three hours of peace.

********************

"He lives."

Fox walked into the living room over an hour after Scully had arrived.

"Hi, Scully."

"How do you feel?"

"Not bad," he replied, eyes searching the immediate vicinity. "Where's Alex?"

"He went out for a while."

"Out?"

"Yeah."

"To the store?"

"No, Mulder, just *out*. He's been with you day and night for weeks on end. He just needed a little down time, you know?"

Fox's eyes immediately took on a wounded expression. "He said that?"

"No, *I* said that. I had to shove him out the door. He didn't want to leave you." She approached, taking Fox's hand and led him to the sofa. "But don't you see the condition he's in? He's knocking himself out trying to do and be everything you need. He's worn out."

Fox lowered his head. "I guess I haven't really gone easy on him."

"You need him, Mulder, I understand that. But maybe you've been clinging to him just a *little* too tightly, huh? He'll never, *ever* admit it...hell, I don't think he *knows* it. He loves you so much, in his eyes there could never be anything wrong with what you're doing. He'll continue to be at your beck and call until he drops, but is that what you want? I know you care more for him than that."

"I do, I..." Fox bit his tongue, choosing not to let Scully in on what he'd only very recently realized himself. "I don't mean to...I don't want to hurt him, Scully. I'm s-so tired. I want to remember, but it hurts so much when I do. I get so frustrated, and I guess I take it out on him because he's the only one here. I don't mean to. I don't mean to," he concluded on a broken whisper.

"Right. And that's why he needs to get away for a little while. It's not good for either of you to be constantly in each other's faces."

Fox nodded. "When he gets back, I'm going to..."

The ringing phone interrupted his statement.

"Probably him checking on you," Scully sighed as Fox reached for the phone.

"Hello?"

"...Alex?"

"No...Alex isn't here right now. Can I take a message?"

"Uh...n-no That's okay. Thanks."

After the caller hung up, Fox pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it.

"Mulder? Scully called cautiously, noting the disturbed look on his face. "Mulder, what is it? Mulder!"

Fox dropped the phone and lifted himself from the sofa. He walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind him, giving no indication that he'd heard Scully calling his name.

********************

"Morris? Yeah, it's Steve. Listen, I gotta tell you this, 'cause I really can't believe it..."

Morris dropped into his favorite chair, phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, remote control in one hand and a T.V.Guide in the other. "Can't believe what?"

"It's been almost three months. I thought I'd call Alex and see how he's doing, you know?"

"That was nice. I wish I'd thought to do that. How is he?"

"I don't know. Check this out. I called his apartment, and a man answered. I wasn't sure that it wasn't him, but it didn't sound like the voice I remember. Not the voice that belonged to him, anyway."

"What? Steve, you're confusing the hell out of me."

"It sounded more like Fox."

"Uhhh...huh."

"I'm not crazy, I know it wasn't him, obviously, but it was someone who sounded like him. Shit, Morris, Alex has got another man."

Morris sighed heavily. "I...I can't believe that. You saw him, Steve. *I* saw him. He was completely shattered. There's no way in hell he's got himself a new piece this soon."

"So, who the hell would be there while Alex wasn't?"

"The hell I know! Did you talk to him?"

"Just for a few seconds. At first I was taken by surprise, and I didn't say anything. I thought it *could* have been Alex, so I said his name. The guy told me that Alex wasn't there and asked if he could take a message."

"So, did you leave a message?"

"No. I told him it was okay, and I hung up."

"You just hung up?"

"Yeah, I didn't know what else to say. I was just so stunned."

"Damn, Steve, if Alex *does* have somebody else, I hope you didn't cause any trouble by hanging up like that. You know what *you'd* think if you were in a new relationship with somebody and a strange man called your lover's house looking for him..."

********************

Scully turned with a start as she heard the key in the lock. She stood up and waited for Alex to enter, glancing nervously toward the bedroom. The minute Alex saw her face, he stalked toward her, readying a barrage of questions.

"What's wrong? Why didn't you call me? Where is he?"

"Alex, *Alex*. Calm down. I can only answer one question at a time."

"You can start right now."

"Okay...in answer to your first question, I don't *know* what's wrong. You got a phone call a little over an hour ago, and Fox flipped out. I have no idea who it was. I tried to get him to tell me, but he won't talk. Second, I didn't call you because there was nothing to tell. He hasn't gone berserk, he hasn't tried to kill me or commit suicide. He's had no headaches or anything of that sort. Third...he's in the bedroom where he's been since the call. I keep checking on him, and he's okay...sort of..."

"*Sort* of?"

"He just refuses to talk. He's just lying on the bed, pretending to be asleep, I think."

Alex's mumbled question was more to himself than to Scully. "Ah, shit, what's *this* all about?"

"I suggest you go find out. I'll wait out here."

"No. No, you should go."

"But, Alex..."

"It's okay," Alex cut her off. "I'll deal with it, whatever it is. I really think it's best if you go home. Thank you, Scully, I appreciated the help."

Grudgingly, Scully departed, leaving Alex alone to cope with whatever darkness Fox was now immersed in.

Slowly, he approached the bedroom and pushed the door open. As Scully had said, Fox lay on the bed, curled on his side, eyes closed.

"Fox?" he called softly, hoping not to wake the older man if he was indeed asleep.

Hazel eyes opened and stared blankly at the wall they faced.

"Babe, Scully told me that something happened to upset you while I was gone."

"Have a nice time?"

"Nice? I...just took a drive. Walked a little..."

"Stop off anywhere?"

"Like where?"

"I don't know," Fox answered flatly even as he turned accusing eyes to the other man. "Someplace you could get a nice, quick fuck."

"*What*? Fox, what are you..."

"Haven't you told your playmates not to call while your amnesiac, overly-dependent, *stupid* former lover is home alone?"

"*Playmates*? What the hell are you talking about? Fox, who the hell called here?"

"Don't know. Sorry, he didn't leave his name. I'll try to take better messages in the future."

Alex turned away, hands clenched in his hair. "I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this. What the hell else can happen? I don't *have* any fucking *playmates*, Fox. Even if I wanted to, when the fuck would I have the time? I'm with *you* twenty-four goddamn hours a day!"

Fox pushed himself off the bed and spun to his feet. "Where there's a will, there's a way. You're a resourceful man from all that I've learned about you. I should have known. I mean, it's impossible, right? To expect that you'd be satisfied with jerking off a few times a week...sooner or later you'd need a real man to fuck. Or men...how many have you found?"

Alex whirled around to face the irrational man. "What difference does it make? Huh? Whether I tell you none or twenty, it makes no difference. You're going to believe what you want to believe." He shrugged carelessly. "Okay, twenty's too much. Too unbelievable even for me. How about four? Good round number. I've got four young, horny little bitches on a string, and I'm having the fucking time of my life..."

Rage filled Fox's eyes, and he bolted forward, knocking Alex into the wall with a loud thud. He held him there, clutching the front of the younger man's shirt.

"You son of a bitch!" Fox's enraged sob echoed throughout the room. "You goddamn fuck! I trusted you! All that shit you told me...all those sweet *lies*. You made me believe, and then you put a knife through my heart." Tears shimmered in his eyes as he slammed Alex again into the wall. "You made me love you, you *bastard*..."

Alex's eyes widened with shock.

"You made me...and it took too long," Fox choked, his grip going slack. "It's too late, and I have nothing. I don't want to remember," he gasped, just barely retaining his hold on Alex's shirt. "I don't want to...not if it hurts more than this..."

"Jesus." Alex wrapped his arms around the limp man, holding him up. "Fox, please. Baby, listen to me." His eyes filled with tears, and he buried his face into the side of the older man's neck. "I love you. It's just *you*. I swear to God, I don't know who called. I don't know...but there's nobody else. It's just you," he repeated, trying to make himself heard and understood. "Only you."

"I'm sorry," Fox stammered, trembling as he clung to the man who held him. "I can't...I keep trying, but I...I don't want it to be too late. I love you, Alex. I s..I still don't remember loving you before, but I love you now. If it's not the same, I'm sorry, I...don't leave me..."

Alex shook as he fought to remain in control of himself while he backed Fox to the bed. Gently, he laid the other man back against the pillows and joined him, resting his head on Fox's chest. He wound his arms around his lover and felt himself wrapped in an answering embrace. "It's perfect," he choked, shuddering deeply, and then he let himself go, crying copious tears as he clung to Fox.

"I love you," Fox cried into Alex's hair. "Tell me it's not too late."

Alex tightened his hold on his lover. "It would never...never be too...late. I'll love only...you...only you till I die." He lifted his head, blindly seeking out the other man's mouth even as Fox sought his.

Their lips touched, the taste of salt and desperation strong on each. Alex pulled himself into a more accessible position, opening his mouth to Fox in offering, and the older man took it in violent haste, the kiss muffling his cry as pain exploded in his head.

Visions of the two of them naked and sweating, Fox pounding again and again into Alex while the younger man clawed at him flooded his head. Their snarls and whimpers resonated, compounding the pain. He fought it frantically, refusing to give in this time. He needed Alex more than he needed relief, and he would rather die naked in his lover's arms than stop this now.

Alex grunted in shock as he found himself spun onto his back. Fox fell on top of him, again finding his mouth while one hand tore at the buttons of his shirt. While he understood and shared Fox's desperation, he couldn't help feeling that there was something wrong. Already drenched in sweat, and his body extraordinarily tight, Fox presented to Alex a picture of a man in pain. He tried to pull to away, to ask the older man if he was all right, but Fox grabbed hold of his wrists, pinning them to the mattress beside his head.

"Fox..." Alex managed to grind out past his lover's bruising kiss. "Wait..."

Fox sobbed his protest as Alex struggled to free himself. "No," he pleaded, fighting back as his hips ground into the other man's. "Need you..." His body jerked and an agonized groan tore from his throat as more images of them writhing together in front of a fireplace filled his head.

Alex used the moment to catch Fox off guard, taking control and rolling the older man off of him. Now the one on top, Alex held him down, doing his best to soothe the tortured man.

"Fox....baby, stop," he pleaded, attempting to stop Fox's thrashing. "I know you're hurting. I can see it."

"Nooo," Fox wailed through gritted teeth then opened his eyes halfway. He panted heavily in a frantic attempt to regulate the pain. "Please..." He strained against Alex. "Fuck me."

"Baby, I can't," Alex gasped. "Not like this..."

Anger mixed with agony, and a loud roar escaped Fox's throat. "Fucking bastard!"

Alex wrapped himself around Fox, holding him tightly as the enraged man bucked and screamed under him. "I love you, Fox," he whispered into his struggling lover's ear, "I love you, baby...trust me...I won't let you go..."

Some of the fight ebbed slowly from Fox though he continued to spew curses at his captor...fortunately for Alex, as his strength too had begun to dissipate. He loosened his hold as Fox stopped bucking and soon was able to release him.

Still wracked with pain, Fox had barely enough strength left for a feeble whimper, but the deep furrows in his brow told Alex of his continued torture.

Alex lifted himself and lay alongside Fox, stroking his sweat-soaked hair. "I know it hurts," he whispered. "God, I wish with all my heart that I could take the pain for you...breathe, baby. Deep....slow....come on, focus on my voice. Please, Fox."

Fox released a hard breath, and his body twitched then returned to its limp state.

"Let him go, dammit," Alex grated softly, more tears welling up in his eyes. "He's had enough."

The memories continued to come fast and furious, a wild mix of times and events returning to their owner with no particular logic to their order.

Alex held Fox to him, unable to offer more than comforting touches and soft words of love. The helplessness he felt frustrated him beyond measure.

Fox lay shuddering in Alex's embrace for longer than Alex would be able to remember, his weary, pained moans sounding at longer and longer intervals until they had ceased altogether.

Alex lifted his head and gazed down at the man whom he was sure had fallen asleep, but to his utter surprise, exhausted, hazel eyes stared up at him from beneath a veil of moisture-spiked lashes. Tenderly, he dragged his knuckles down the older man's cheek and kissed the tip of his nose. "Is the pain gone?" he asked softly, unsure of what the answer would be.

Fox's eyes closed and he nodded once. His lids lifted again, just barely enough for slivers of green and gold to be seen.

Alex released a relieved sigh and kissed the flushed lips. "You need to rest. Close your eyes."

"No."

Alex's brow wrinkled, hearing the barely audible response. "Baby, this was the worst one yet. You're wrung out."

Fox took a difficult breath and licked at his dry lips. "So much."

Alex cocked his head. "So much what?"

"Remembered." The older man took a couple of slow breaths and continued. "I know them. Scully...my mother...Skinner..." He swallowed past the dryness in his throat. "...Cancerman...he was in the movie we saw..."

Alex nodded. "I know. I saw him."

Fox's eyes drifted around the room. "I know where I am," he said hoarsely. "And I remember loud music...a club...lots of people dancing...it was hot..." His brow wrinkled as he jumped from one memory to another, then he looked up at Alex. "I saw you..." He raised a weak hand to the younger man's face. "Snow...falling in your hair...trees and quiet. When you talked to me, the sound echoed..."

"Sounds like the cabin I told you about in Oregon."

Fox's gaze fell from Alex's face. "I...have visions, but...I don't *know* it. I need to know it."

"Okay." Alex kissed the older man's forehead. "As soon as you're better, we'll go up."

"No. Now."

"Fox, we can't. Not right now..."

"I need to go now." Fox's tone rose just a bit. "Please."

"Baby, you are in *no* shape to travel. Give it a couple more days."

"Nooo. I can't. It's..." His hand left Alex's face and touched his own temple. "...right here. I don't want to lose it. Please, Alex. I'll be all right. Please. It's there. Don't let me lose it..."

"Christ," Alex whispered. "I can't believe I'm doing this...all right. All right, Fox, but listen. I'm going to call Scully. I want your doctor there."

"No." Fox shook his head. "Just us. Just you and me. I'll be all right. I promise."

"How can you promise me that? You can't foresee these episodes. You've remembered a lot, but you've still got a ways to go. What if the next time is even worse? That cabin is in the middle of nowhere."

Fox turned to his side, burying his face in Alex's shirt. "Please, Alex. If you love me..."

"Oh, God, don't do that to me." And suddenly Scully's words came tinkling back to haunt him.

//When it comes to Mulder, you're like...warm Jello.//

Pleading, amber-flecked eyes turned up to Alex, and he caved.

"God, please don't let me live to regret this."

Making Fox promise to close his eyes and rest, Alex set about making the preparations for their trip. Three hours later, he gently shook the older man awake.

"It's all set, Fox. A jet is waiting for us at the airport, and I've packed a couple of bags. How do you feel?"

Fox lifted himself into a sitting position. "Tired."

"No pain?"

"No. Just really heavy."

"You gonna make it down to the car okay?"

Fox gave a brief nod as he rose unsteadily to his feet. "Just give me a minute to go to the bathroom and wake up a little."

Alex followed the older man to the bathroom, hand resting lightly on his back to provide balance. Once Fox was inside, he waited nervously just outside the door in case he was needed, but a few minutes later Fox emerged, looking pale and exhausted, but otherwise all right.

"I'm ready."

"Baby, are you sure?"

"Yes."

Fox's flat, insistent tone left no room for debate. Alex led him out of the apartment and on to what he prayed wouldn't turn out to be the biggest mistake of his life.

********************

"Hello?"

"Hi, Scully. It's Alex. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No. I was just getting ready to go to bed. How's Mulder? Did you find out what was bothering him?"

"Yeah, I did. He's all right. He's asleep."

"Well, what happened? Can you tell me? Who called?"

"I don't know who it was. Neither does he. That's where the problems began."

"Huh?"

"It was a man who called. He asked for me by name, and when Fox asked if he could take a message, the caller said no and hung up. His imagination started cooking up a bunch of bad explanations, and he tore into me when I went in to talk to him."

"He...he thought you were fooling around?"

"That's the long and the short of it, yeah."

There was a brief silence, then an amused female laugh. "He's *jealous*, Alex!"

"Ohhhh, yeah."

"That's great!"

"Ordinarily I'd agree, but in his state of mind, he really went off the deep end."

"Oh, boy."

"Yeah. I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to calm him down." Alex began to smile. "Then he said something that knocked me on my ass."

"What?"

"He said he loved me."

"....Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, my God, Alex, that's *wonderful*....uh....isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is. But it gets really wild after that..."

"Oh...uh, that's okay. You don't have to elaborate on the hot, animal sex. I think I got a pretty good picture in my mind..."

"No. No, no."

"No?"

"I mean, we were heading that way...God knows he was pushing hard enough. But he'd starting remembering again, and the pain was horrible. It went on for what seemed to me like forever. He fought it...and me, every step of the way, but the pain broke him down."

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