Big Empty
by lancenerd
Big Empty
Rated: R
Pairing: JC/Joey implied
Summary: JC's hurting.
Disclaimer: Don't know 'em, don't mean any harm.
Thanks: To Jen and Coreopsis for beta.
Notes: Sorry this isn't a happier debut piece, but what are ya gonna do? You write what the muses tell you to.
"Kelly's pregnant and I'm getting married."
My eyes grow wide. "What?"
"She's five months along"
I look up at him and reach out to him to embrace him, to comfort him, but he pulls away and looks at the floor. "I can't... It's..." he starts, but stops. "Fuck!" He turns away then looks back at me, his brown eyes full of guilt.
Somehow, I know what's coming.
"Over," I say it for him.
He clears his throat and whispers, "Yeah. I'm sorry. I can't... she..." He frowns and looks me in the eye. "I have to be faithful to her. For the kid."
I know it's bullshit, but the words hit me like a blow to the gut. I want to double over in pain and drop to the floor. I know it means 'a member of *nsync with a wife and a kid is bad enough, but a member of *nsync with a wife and a kid and a male lover is way worse'.
I want to scream 'asshole' at him, but I don't.
My head starts to hurt.
He leaves my room to go meet with Johnny, who will bury the truth as long as he can. I try to feel sorry for him, for his error of judgment, for his stupidity. I want to be there for him as a friend.
But the only thought I can muster is the fact that Kelly's pregnant, so Joey and I can't sleep together anymore. I'm angry and hurt and my heart is so full of pain that I could just surely die.
Three days later, we're celebrating Joey's pending hush-hush nuptials with a glass of champagne at Johnny's place. I've been pushing myself hard today, making myself sing take after take, not satisfied with anything I'm doing. It's driving everyone crazy, but I need to focus on something tangible, or I'm going to hurt myself beyond repair.
Joey's blushing and holding Kelly's hand while everyone around me smiles and toasts the happy couple. I want to vomit, but I smile and toast them with everyone else. I'm good at smiling when I don't want to.
"I'm happy for you, man."
"Congratulations."
Everyone is wishing them well, and I'm still standing around with this dumb grin on my face, while thoughts like, "You're ruining your life. You're not going to be happy. You knocked her up during your farewell fuck, you idiot." and "Why the fuck did you have to do this to me? What did I do to make you hurt me so bad?"
My head starts to pound and I have to look away. I look at Lance who has no clue. None of them do. None of them know what Joey and I have been doing for the past three months.
That's the hardest part. I can't tell anyone. I can't say that my lover's going to get married and have kids and now he won't touch me, because that would be 'cheating' on her. Like he's some fucking noble prince or something.
I have no one to talk to, I have no one to go to, I have no one to tell that this is eating me up inside and I feel like screaming until my throat is raw and punching things until my knuckles bleed.
Part of me thinks this can't last too long. How long can Joey Fatone be the poster boy for fidelity and fatherhood? If the past tour was any indication, I give it an hour and a half. I fight off a sneer and look at him with empty eyes as he talks and makes chit chat with the others, resigning to feel numb.
Lance is beaming and embraces Joey. I leave and go back to my room.
I sit on the floor, turn on my keyboard and put on the headphones and play songs that will make me cry, but the tears don't come. I'm not even sure what I'm playing, or singing, it's just all noise in my head.
I don't hear the door open, or see Joey standing beside me, until he actually touches my shoulder.
I take the headphones off my ears and set them on top of my keyboard, not looking up. I bite my lower lip and sigh. His hand is still on my shoulder, rubbing the same spot over and over again, making it ache, nearly burning me with his touch. I can feel the tension knot my shoulders and back.
It's all so painful.
Eyes still cast downward, I turn and reach for him, and press my face to his belly and try to cry, try to tell him how miserable I feel, try to yell at him and call him an asshole and tell him to fuck off and go to his happy little family, but all I can do is dig my fingers into his thighs and smell his scent, and that hurts worse than anything.
Finally, I hear him sigh, his body shuddering against mine. I want him to say he's sorry, I want him to say that we can go on like usual, that he didn't mean to say it's over, because this doesn't change anything, and we'll go to sleep tonight in each other's arms and he'll make love to me and kiss my pain away.
But he doesn't. Instead he pulls away, sucking in his breath.
I can't look at him. I can't breathe. I just kneel there on the floor and listen to the door close behind him, leaving me alone, empty and aching inside.
End
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