Title: Desidero
Author: lance_nerd
Fandom: Hornblower - bookverse
Rating: No Porn
Pairing: Bush/Hornblower
Spoilers: Bookverse: up to the end of The Happy Return
Notes: Thanks sarahcascade and abby20 for kickass beta.
Summary: An angsty little thing.
Disclaimer: They belong to Forrester, but they have much more fun with the likes of us!

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Lieutenant Bush lifted his hand to knock at the cabin door but hesitated. He caressed the wood with his knuckle then let his hand fall and grip the side seam of his coat instead. He'd hesitated tonight more times than he cared to recall, not wanting to disturb his captain who had lapsed into one of his moods again. Yet here was Bush again standing before the door with his hat under his arm and his hand reaching toward the cabin door.

He took a deep breath and knocked.

Not waiting for a reply, he entered the small cabin and closed the door behind him. It was dark. A single storm lantern swung from the ceiling, barely throwing any light. Hornblower sat on the stern lockers before the windows, the moonlight reflecting off the water.

"Sir."

No reply.

"Sir, the wind's freshening from the west."

Bush moved toward Hornblower, uneasy at his captain's silence. When he looked down he swore he could see dampness in Hornblower's eyes and his cheeks. Bush's eyes darted around the cabin for a moment, but returned, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene for long. Had his hard-nosed captain been crying?

"We could take in a reef," Bush continued, "but with your permission I'd rather wait to see if the winds moderate in the middle of the next watch as it did last night."

Bush stood stoically next to Hornblower awaiting a response, but Hornblower simply opened his mouth then shut it again. Bush didn't know what to do. At least Hornblower could clear his throat in that annoying way when he was avoiding giving an answer. Still, Hornblower remained silent. So Bush stood there staring at Hornblower, yet trying not to stare, now noticing the puffy eyes and swollen nose and fought his inner desire to sit beside Hornblower, wrap his arms around him and comfort him. The desire was strong; he could almost feel the fabric of Horatio's underneath his fingertips and the curls against his cheek. He couldn't let himself give in; it would be improper and not becoming of an officer of His Majesty's Navy. Yet, why was his hand reaching out and why was it suddenly on Horatio's shoulder?

Bush cursed himself. His hand had a mind of its own.

"Sir," he asked softly.

He knew the pain Hornblower felt for Lady Barbara, for Bush felt it every day. Every single time he gazed upon his captain he knew he could never have him and he felt that down to his very core. He pushed the thoughts away, but they always crept back. The burning desire to touch and kiss him, to hold him in his arms and bury his face in Hornblower's neck. The lure toward Hornblower was stronger than that of the sea. Every look thrown his way, every order barked was savoured, because Hornblower was paying attention to him. Unlike Hornblower who still had a chance with Lady Barbara, Bush could never have what he wanted. At least Bush was allowed to be Hornblower's first lieutenant. Being near Hornblower was better than nothing.

Bush's hand was still on Hornblower's shoulder, caressing taut muscles underneath his shirt. "Horatio," he whispered wistfully. He hadn't uttered Hornblower's first name in casual fashion in years. He was his captain after all. Fingers brushed against his for a brief moment; then they were gone.

Quickly, Bush snatched his hand from Hornblower's shoulder, stepped back and cleared his throat. Hornblower's eyes were coming back to life.

Hornblower finally looked up at him and for a brief second curved the corner of his mouth into a half smile until it disappeared into his familiar frown.

"Ha-h'm," Hornblower started. "Yes, take a reef when necessary Mr. Bush."

"Very well, Sir," his voice came in a whisper.

Bush stood there for a moment, touched his hand to his forehead in salute then turned, leaving his captain to his solitude.

End

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