May 24, 2002
| Ever Fallen in Love?
by Coreopsis |
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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don't claim that is this ever has or ever would happen. Title borrowed from the song by the Buzzcocks. Pairing: Chris/JC Rating: PG-13 for language Feedback: Yep! Whatever you want to send will be quite welcome. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't?" JC asked with an earnest expression on his face and a hopeless tone to his voice. Chris nodded and looked away from the intensity in JC's eyes. Yes, of course he had. He was right now. "Umm...you know, Justin...is straight. I know this. I've always known this and yet..." JC shrugged and twisted his hands together. "And yet," Chris repeated dully, trying and failing to inject a little understanding or compassion into his voice. "And yet... I'm kind of in love with him." "Only kind of?" Chris felt a brief surge of something in his chest--hope, excitement, fear, he didn't know exactly what it was. "Just a little. Or, you know...mostly." "Oh." Chris swallowed down the screaming curse that was bubbling up in his throat, the anger and hurt that suddenly tore at his insides and pushed him to think *I fucked up my last three relationships because of you so the least you can fucking do is love me back.* But all he said was, "Are you sure he doesn't...?" "You know him even better than I do. He loves me as one of his best friends. That's all. That's all it will ever be." JC scooted closer on the sofa and leaned into Chris's side. Chris closed his eyes at the knife-twisting sensation of JC's warmth pressed against him and wrapped one arm around JC's shoulder. He tightened his free hand convulsively on the arm of the couch as JC snuggled into the embrace and sighed. "I'm glad I could finally tell someone. Thanks for being here." Chris wanted to make a joke about it being his house and where else would he be, but he opted for serious honesty. "I know. It's...I know what it feels like to love someone you shouldn't. It sucks." JC looked up at Chris with wide eyes. "Oh? Have you--" Chris nodded and his mouth twitched, but he couldn't force a smile. "Yeah, I have. I still do." "Really? Can I ask who or is it a secret?" Chris tightened his arm around JC and petted JC's bicep with his fingers. He didn't say anything and after a moment, he looked away. Staring straight ahead into the middle distance, he could feel JC's gaze on his face like a physical touch, like a whisper soft caress, so much so that when JC actually did touch his cheek he didn't flinch. Just nodded slightly and glanced down into JC's guilty eyes. "Don't worry about it." "I'm sorry," JC whispered and eased out from under Chris's arm. "Yeah." Chris had thought maybe that having it out in the open, no longer a secret would make him feel better. Like suddenly anything was possible. Instead he just felt tired and achy. The part he hated most was that knowing this would hurt JC because JC knew what that particular pain felt like and he was always extra sensitive about hurting other people. JC sat two feet away, perched on the edge of the sofa as if he was going to bolt at any second, but he continued watching Chris. His mouth moved slightly, but no sound came out. "Damn it, C, would you just stop it? Stop looking like I'm going to...to do something crazy." Chris almost flinched at the unintentional harshness of his tone, but he felt so empty now that JC wasn't touching him that he refused to feel guilty for it. JC didn't flinch. He just blinked lazily and smiled. "Isn't that what you usually do?" Chris grinned--mostly because JC was smiling at him with all his teeth showing and his eyes crinkled up in a way that rarely made it into professional photos--and reached out to wrap his fingers around JC's wrist. He tugged JC back down to his end of the couch and said, "Where you going?" "Well, I thought I should probably go home. I didn't think you'd want me to stay." "Why? Just because you've got it bad for Justin?" Chris caressed the soft skin of JC's wrist with his thumb. "I don't want to. I love...you all. You know? And it's weird having four best friends and being a little in love with them all at once." JC shrugged and picked at the seam of Chris's pants on the outside of his thigh, his long elegant fingers pinching and tugging, his short shiny fingernails scratching, occasionally digging into Chris's skin through the worn denim. Chris had to wonder if JC had any idea what he was doing to Chris's libido. Ordinarily, Chris would think that it was totally intentional, but right now, JC seemed so far inside his own head that he was hardly aware of what his hand was doing. Afraid he was going to embarrass himself in a way he hadn't done in a very long time, Chris grabbed JC's hand, unsurprised when JC turned it around so that they were holding hands in a more equal manner, a sort of romantic manner, actually. Although he could be the most unromantic person ever, Chris didn't mind holding hands with JC. JC had beautiful hands, slim and soft yet masculine and strong, just like the rest of him. "You love us all, but you love Justin the most, huh?" JC jumped as if he'd forgotten Chris was even there, but his hand tightened in Chris's and he smiled. "Maybe...but maybe not." "Don't you fucking tease me, JC." Chris pulled his hand away, but didn't get up off the couch, even though his knee was bouncing with barely repressed energy. "Just...don't. I shouldn't have said anything." "But you did and now I can't go back to not knowing how you feel." "You don't know how I feel." "You said it was the same as how I was feeling." "Was? What? You can turn it on and off like that?" "No. I'm trying to figure out if there really is a difference." "A difference in what?" "The love I have for you guys. Maybe it's all equal, and maybe I just can't tell without experimenting a little." Chris opened his mouth to ask what the hell that meant, but found JC's lips attached to his and JC's tongue making itself acquainted with Chris's teeth. Chris was surprised that JC didn't taste like anything in particular. In his fantasies, JC always tasted like pixie sticks or cinnamon chewing gum or tequila and lime. Instead, he just tasted like...JC and that was good enough for Chris. After a couple of years, JC pulled back, looked at Chris and touched his own mouth with the tips of two fingers. Chris blinked and wondered hazily why they'd stopped. JC's brow wrinkled and he pressed his fingers hard against his lips. Chris was oddly fascinated by the white lines biting into the puffy redness of that kiss-swollen mouth. He was still staring when JC dropped his hand and asked, "Have you ever fallen in love with someone just from a kiss?" Chris smiled. "No, C, I can't say that I've ever done that." "I think I have." JC looked at Chris with wide, disbelieving eyes. "I think I just did." Chris refused to take that seriously, even though he desperately wanted to. "What about Justin?" "Justin who?" JC blinked and shook his head. "No, he is...he's still Justin. Still one of my best friends. But you..." "I'm not?" Chris couldn't help being amused at the turn this conversation had taken. "You are, but...more." "Don't say it if you don't mean it." "I wouldn't." "You just did." At JC's questioning look, Chris elaborated. "About Justin, a few minutes ago." "But I've never kissed Justin." "So you love us all, but I get to be the boyfriend just because you kissed me before any of the others? That is...you are fucked in the head." "See there? We're perfect for each other!" JC beamed as if he'd finally given the right answer to an often missed question. "I don't know. Maybe I need convincing." Chris tried to smile innocently, but could feel the edge of mischief in it. "Right." JC nodded earnestly. "Yes, we should experiment some more." "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" Chris stood up and pulled JC to his feet and out of the living room. "Come up to my laboratory, little boy." Chris looked over his shoulder as he led JC up the stairs and laughed when JC flipped him off while wearing the sweetest smile ever. The End. Back |