October 2002
| Good Morning
by coreopsis pairing: Nick/Howie rating: PG |
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Nick walked out of the television studio with his bodyguard just in front of him and a fleet of management and PR people a respectable distance behind. Their discussion over the rest of the week's schedule was like the distant buzzing of bees and he had a sudden desire to try to outrun them. But between the imposing dead end of the bodyguard's back in front of him and the walls of fans on either side screaming and waving bits of paper to be signed, he had nowhere to go. So he smiled and posed for the cameras. When he signed autographs, he asked for names and pretended that he would always remember them. But really all he wanted was to go home...or at least to the hotel of the day. He didn't want to answer another question or give another piece of himself away, he just wanted to be. Just for a little while, until the drive came back and he couldn't wait to get out there and share his music with the world again. He loved his life and his career very deeply. But sometimes, he didn't like it much. The constant travel and the airplanes and the constant barrage of new faces asking the same questions over and over again. He could barely remember when he'd slept in his own bed, could hardly remember when he'd last woken up and not been alone. And that was his problem. He wanted all these people to leave him alone for a while, but he didn't want to be totally by himself. He wanted someone that he loved and trusted with him, someone that he didn't have to talk to because they already knew what he wanted to say. There were at least a dozen fans outside his hotel when the car pulled up hours later. He himself hadn't even known where they were going, but they always seemed to find out. It still amazed him a little that anyone would be that obsessed with seeing him in person that they would go to such incredible lengths to find out where he was going to be at any given time. It was flattering and scary at the same time. But all he could do was take a deep breath, climb out of the car, and go give them the attantion that they'd worked so hard for. It was the least he could do for the people who'd be buying his record. He waited until he was inside the lobby before taking a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wiping the sparkly pink lip gloss off his cheek. The girl hadn't been more than twelve, but she'd been wearing more makeup than her mom, who'd been gazing lustfully at him over her daughter's head. They'd both made him uncomfortable in completely different ways, but he'd just smiled and accepted the kiss on the cheek and signed the copy of "Black & Blue" that had been shakily thrust into his hand. He waited until he was in the elevator, relatively alone with his bodyguard and only one PR flack, before he stopped smiling and leaned his head against the wall. His nerves were strung so tight he was surprised he wasn't vibrating. "Do you want to go out tonight, Nick?" The flack looked at him hopefully. Nick stared back and finally said, "No." "I did some research and the hottest club is--" "I said no." "But...you need to be seen out having a good time and there's a VIP--" Nick didn't grit his teeth--he'd had any such habit drilled out of him as a very young child, gotta take care of that killer smile, don't you know--but he was very close to growling. "Not. Tonight. All I want is room service and sleep." The flack must have gotten a glimmer of how close to the edge Nick was because he actually took a step back and held up one hand. "You probably need to rest anyway. We've got that radio interview at seven-thirty in the morning." The elevator bumped gently to a halt and the doors slid open quietly, so Nick didn't bother to respond. He'd said all he was going to say, even if it was only half the truth. He wanted so much more than just room service and sleep, but that was all he was going to get, so he might as well pretend it was enough. Nick was dreaming of the ocean, as he so often did. This time he was swimming in it and there was no land anywhere in sight, but this didn't bother or scare his dream-self at all. He felt free and loose, with the sunlight gentle on his face and the water just on the edge of cool. He sensed someone nearby, but he couldn't see anything but some dolphins playing in the distance. Just as he decided to swim closer to the dolphins, a hand shook his shoulder and the water and dolphins and sun dissolved away to be replaced by a darkened hotel room when he opened his eyes. The hand was still on his shoulder and he shook it off as he rolled over to see who was waking him up in the middle of the night. The bedside light clicked on and Howie grinned down at him. "Good morning, Nicky." "Howie? What are you--" He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the bedside clock where a four and two zeroes glowed red and evil. "--doing here at four o'clock in the morning? I thought you were in LA this week." "I was but now I'm not." Howie walked over to the closet and started rummaging through Nick's clothes. "I came to see you, so get up and let's go." "Go where?" Nick yawned and threw the covers back instead of protesting. "I don't know." Howie shrugged and didn't even look at Nick, just pulled out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that he handed to Nick. "That's not the point." "D, you're getting me up before daybreak, there better be a fuckin' point." "There is." Howie smiled mysteriously and walked over to the telephone. "Go shower and dress, and leave the rest to me." Nick started to ask the rest of what, but decided he wasn't awake enough to know. He went to the bathroom and did all the things he'd hoped to be doing some two hours from now. "Cool convertible." And it was. Sleek and black and powerful, and the top was already down. "I found a great rental place online." Howie slid into the driver's seat, handed Nick the paper sack and cardboard carrier of coffee cups he'd picked up in the hotel restaurant, and grinned. "Ready to go? Nick looked around and noticed the two burly men in the discreet grey SUV parked a few yards behind them. "We gonna shake them?" Howie shook his head and started the car. "We won't need to. They have orders to stay back as far as possible." "Bet they loved that." Nick laughed and opened the flap on his coffee cup enough to take a sip. Howie chuckled and pulled out into the street. Neither of them said anything as they drove through city streets and out into the suburbs, finally pulling over into a picnic area next to a narrow slow-flowing body of water that was purported to be a river, but mostly looked like a creek with ambition. They ambled down to the edge of the water and sat on bench next to small boat ramp. As they pulled sausage biscuits out of the bag and started to eat, the fishy smell of the water almost overpowered the warm buttery smell of the biscuits and the sharper scent of the coffee. It was heady and wonderful,and Nick wished he could stay there all day with no one but Howie and the occasional fisherman for company. "Why'd you cut your hair so short?" "Because I could." Nick finished off his biscuit and licked crumbs from his fingers. "I wanted to." "Looks good." "Thanks. Are there any more biscuits in that bag?" "No, but there's an apple and a banana." "I'll take the apple." "Okay." Howie pulled out a plump red delicious and handed it to Nick. Nick had eaten half the apple and watched Howie polish off his banana and dispose of their trash before he asked, "Why'd you come?" "You sounded a little rough when we talked on the phone the other day. Lonely." Nick snorted. "That stupid magazine article." "No. Your voice. I could hear it." Howie bumped his shoulder against Nick's. "I don't read any magazines that would have articles about us in them." Nick had to laugh at that, feeling strangely lighter than he had in weeks. "Good for you. It can be fucking depressing." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Really? You're not getting depressed or anything?" "No, Howie," Nick said patiently. "I am not AJ." "No, I know. I just..." "It's okay. I do get lonely without you guys, and being away from home all the time." Nick got up to toss the apple core in a nearby trashcan, and then walked down to the edge of the water. It sure wasn't the ocean, but it was better than sitting in another stifling hotel room waiting to go to an equally stifling radio station. Howie walked up beside him and put a hand on Nick's shoulder, his forearm warm against Nick's back. "Remember that time in...was it Boston..." "Me and Brian snuck out--" "Yeah, and then AJ and I got--" "Kevin was so funny. I don't think he was half as mad as he acted--" "I don't think he ever was. He was protective, that's all." "Yeah." Nick sighed and looked up at the slowly lightening sky. "Sun's coming up." "Yeah. I talked to Brian day before yesterday." Howie squeezed Nick's shoulder and let go. Nick closed his eyes and swallowed. "How is he?" "He's good. He and Leigh are keeping pretty busy." "He still mad at me?" Nick hated how asking that question made him feel out of control. Howie's voice was gentle as he answered, and Nick wished he'd touch him again. "It's hard to tell." "I didn't have any trouble telling before. He was really crystal clear." "He's mellowed out a lot. Maybe he's...well, I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him soon." Nick snorted and didn't say anything. Brian would not call him first. He was way too stubborn for that. "He misses you, Nicky." Oh that hurt, hard and sharp, right in the gut. Nick had to change the subject. "You know you're the only one who gets away with calling me that." "Yeah." And Nick could feel Howie's smile even though he wasn't looking at him. "Did you ever wonder why?" "No. Well, maybe a little?" "You're the only one who can say it without making me feel like a little kid. Even when I was a little kid." "Yeah well...You've grown into a fine man, Nicky. I'm proud of you...and your album. I think you did a great job with it. It's really good." Nick felt tears well up in his eyes and didn't bother trying to stop them. He sniffled and wiped the his cheeks with his fingers. "That's all I've ever wanted to hear." "The others will come around. They love you too." Nick sniffed again and his voice hitched when he tried to say, "But not like you do." "It's the only way I know how. You've always been pretty loveable, you know." "Aww, now." Nick laughed, watery and weak but genuinely amused. "Don't start lying now. Or I'm not gonna believe anything else you said. And I want to believe." Howie grinned and started to hum the theme to The X-Files, and it took Nick a moment to get the joke, but when he did he laughed so hard he had to sit down on the damp grass. Howie sat down so close next to him that their sides were nearly pressed together. "I know you don't want to hear this, but it'll all work out--maybe not necessarily the way you want, but the way it is supposed to be. And no matter what, I will still love you." "Me too, D. I--" Nick stopped and stared at Howie for a minute. "I almost wish I could kiss you right now." "Almost? Gee, thanks. I feel really good about myself now." "No, no...I do. I just don't want to traumatize those fellas over there." Nick nodded toward a couple of older men who were fishing on the far bank, which was less than thirty feet away. He threw an arm around Howie and hugged him close anyway. "I'm supposed to fly out after the interview this morning. I don't suppose you want to come with me to...wherever it is I'm going next?" "Funny thing that...I just happen to have the rest of this week cleared." "You just happened to have that, huh? "It was coincidence. Fate. Luck. The pitiful sound of your voice last time we talked." "I did not sound pitiful." "Pathetic?" "Nuh uh." "Whatever it was, it got me here." "I'm glad it did." "Me too." "So why are we sitting here for?" Nick squeezed Howie tight and then pulled them both to their feet. "The sun's coming up and we've got a convertible. Let's go for a ride." By the time Howie delivered Nick to the radio station, they were both windblown and laughing. And Nick liked his life again. The end. Back |